S/o: two working parents - do you get time to yourself?

[Anonymous]

It definitely was harder when kids were younger but DH and I coordinated so I could go on a run, grab coffee with friends, etc. Now that they’re in late elementary/middle school I have plenty of time. Even when they were preschool/toddlers I found time to train for a short triathlon and go to the occasional moms night but it took more coordinating. Now it’s more like “hey, I have a happy hour Tuesday. Can we figure out carpool?” Or “hey kids, I’m going on a run. Don’t burn down the house” or “my college friends are trying to plan a reunion - think it will work if I’m gone the first weekend in June?”

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is helpful! I think we need to make this more of a priority. We almost never divide and conquer with the kids on the weekends so perhaps that is the first step. Our youngest has some special needs so until recently it has been difficult for one parent to handle them alone but that has gotten easier this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, generally we don't. We have a nanny during the workweek, but we don't live near our families and when they come they usually don't take our two kids (I'm pregnant with our third). My mom will occasionally do this but then if she's upset at some point down the road she will throw it in my face ("I came and helped you with XYZ"), so it's at a point where it's not worth it. My husband's parents will take our older child, but that's it. It's exhausting.

I realize this is not helpful but I don’t understand why people like you choose to have more than two kids!

More than two kids requires at least one, and preferably two, of: SAH parent, Mary Poppins nanny, involved local grandparents

Otherwise, you’re dooming yourself to an unhappy, stressful marriage and life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, generally we don't. We have a nanny during the workweek, but we don't live near our families and when they come they usually don't take our two kids (I'm pregnant with our third). My mom will occasionally do this but then if she's upset at some point down the road she will throw it in my face ("I came and helped you with XYZ"), so it's at a point where it's not worth it. My husband's parents will take our older child, but that's it. It's exhausting.

I realize this is not helpful but I don’t understand why people like you choose to have more than two kids!

More than two kids requires at least one, and preferably two, of: SAH parent, Mary Poppins nanny, involved local grandparents

Otherwise, you’re dooming yourself to an unhappy, stressful marriage and life

Amen - this is why we stopped at 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you and your spouse both work, do you get non-work, kid-free time on a regular basis? If so, what happens to allow it?

First, know that it's temporary. In few years, you'll miss their childhood.

Second, you find paid or volunteer (family, in-laws, friends or neighbors) who are trustworthy and good with children so you can take some time for yourself.

Third, take turns with your spouse. Three hour a week one hour segment or full 3 hr in one go), one person holds fort while other does takes off personal time.

Fourth, leave work early once a week and use that time to do whatever you like to do while hubby and kids are at work and school.

Be fair and provide similar opportunities to your spouse as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had no close by family or good babysitters but we always made free time work. I’d go to the gym in the mornings before everyone else was up. I’m a big hobby person and always found time in the evenings. We’re super organized and everyone pulls their weight. Plus we have a house cleaner every other week.

Curious can you lay out how you do this?

Kids school start at 7 (we have 7, 8, and 9 am drop offs because we are “walk zone” but still really far). Do you go to gym at 5am?

We work 9-530, then start making dinner, usually have one kid activity and help with homework or cleaning something. Last kids go to bed at 9, and by then I still have dishes to clean from dinner, probably some other laundry.

We like spending time with our kids befor bed, so we dont rush them to bed but to get up at 5 after going to bed ourselves at 11 would be challenging.

How does your schedule look?

[Anonymous]

We have a weekly date night.

We rarely get time to ourselves, by ourselves and not as a couple. If I have free time I like to spend it with DH or one on one with one of my kids. My kids are so much fun when I take them out individually. Together they can be like a tornado

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have two young kids. We take one solo trip together every year (leave kids with our parents and our nanny for a few days.) we don’t have a ton of time for ourselves but have some time at night after the kids go to bed - used for chores, tv, time together, or go out for dinner if we have a babysitter.

Sort of want a third kid but feel somewhat stretched as it is between work and personal life.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids, 10, 8 & 5.

DH and I both work full-time plus. I have a hobby that I do two nights a week. I do dinner for the family and then head out while DH handles bedtime. Kids have their own activities two other evenings a week.

I also do this hobby on Saturday and Sunday morning either while everyone is still asleep or they’re still lounging around pre-weekend activity. DH is with the kids. I sometimes miss a weekend day of my hobby when a kid has an early game/competition.

DH and I have a weekly date after the kids go to bed at 8:15/30 pm on Wednesdays. Grandparent or babysitter comes over for a couple hours.

DH and I usually watch at least one show together at night before finishing up any work for the day and then bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. What helps:

-partial - less than half-time - custody of older two (have a toddler at home full-time). Managing only one most of the time is much easier than three all of the time. When we have the three altogether a lot goes out of the window.

- we both WFH; DH entirely and I about 4/5 days a week. (I am not required to go in but do so to show I’m putting forth the effort; have some non-meeting conversations with colleagues and higher ups. I am 2 minutes from my workplace by car.)

-daycare is a two-minute drive and ten minute walk from our house

- we are very understanding and helpful in terms of facilitating alone/down time for the other parent. Today my husband is participating in a golf tournament. Sunday I’ll be attending a yoga workshop.

- We have grandparents who, while not local, visit fairly frequently and offer to babysit so we can sneak out for a dinner/lunch as a couple

I think it’s crucially important to maintain a sense of self/individuality outside of one’s role of parent and spouse.

Oh thank goodness those pesky first marriage kids aren't around more. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, generally we don't. We have a nanny during the workweek, but we don't live near our families and when they come they usually don't take our two kids (I'm pregnant with our third). My mom will occasionally do this but then if she's upset at some point down the road she will throw it in my face ("I came and helped you with XYZ"), so it's at a point where it's not worth it. My husband's parents will take our older child, but that's it. It's exhausting.

I realize this is not helpful but I don’t understand why people like you choose to have more than two kids!

More than two kids requires at least one, and preferably two, of: SAH parent, Mary Poppins nanny, involved local grandparents

Otherwise, you’re dooming yourself to an unhappy, stressful marriage and life

Amen - this is why we stopped at 2.

+a billion

We stopped at one!

Two would mayyybe be feasible but I'm pretty high-maintenance about the amount of adult time I need in my life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have two young kids. We take one solo trip together every year (leave kids with our parents and our nanny for a few days.) we don’t have a ton of time for ourselves but have some time at night after the kids go to bed - used for chores, tv, time together, or go out for dinner if we have a babysitter.

Sort of want a third kid but feel somewhat stretched as it is between work and personal life.

Do not have a third if this is your life, it sounds GREAT as it is. Celebrate the family you have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, generally we don't. We have a nanny during the workweek, but we don't live near our families and when they come they usually don't take our two kids (I'm pregnant with our third). My mom will occasionally do this but then if she's upset at some point down the road she will throw it in my face ("I came and helped you with XYZ"), so it's at a point where it's not worth it. My husband's parents will take our older child, but that's it. It's exhausting.

I realize this is not helpful but I don’t understand why people like you choose to have more than two kids!

More than two kids requires at least one, and preferably two, of: SAH parent, Mary Poppins nanny, involved local grandparents

Otherwise, you’re dooming yourself to an unhappy, stressful marriage and life

Amen - this is why we stopped at 2.

+a billion

We stopped at one!

Two would mayyybe be feasible but I'm pretty high-maintenance about the amount of adult time I need in my life

we just have the one! and no, we barely have any time for ourselves. we try, but its tough with no local help. this too shall pass!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. What helps:

-partial - less than half-time - custody of older two (have a toddler at home full-time). Managing only one most of the time is much easier than three all of the time. When we have the three altogether a lot goes out of the window.

- we both WFH; DH entirely and I about 4/5 days a week. (I am not required to go in but do so to show I’m putting forth the effort; have some non-meeting conversations with colleagues and higher ups. I am 2 minutes from my workplace by car.)

-daycare is a two-minute drive and ten minute walk from our house

- we are very understanding and helpful in terms of facilitating alone/down time for the other parent. Today my husband is participating in a golf tournament. Sunday I’ll be attending a yoga workshop.

- We have grandparents who, while not local, visit fairly frequently and offer to babysit so we can sneak out for a dinner/lunch as a couple

I think it’s crucially important to maintain a sense of self/individuality outside of one’s role of parent and spouse.

Oh thank goodness those pesky first marriage kids aren't around more. Gross.

Lol

[Anonymous]

We do. Because grandparents live down the street and take kids for an overnight nearly every weekend. Win win for everyone.