Neighborhood friendships...why am I struggling with this?

[Anonymous]

We live in a family friendly neighborhood with kids running about from house to house. We became very close with at least one family and spent a lot time together. Another family moved to the street and although they're friendly and I've tried to foster a relationship, I don't really feel the potential for any close friendships between us or their kids and my kids for various reasons.

Fast forward, the newer family is now heavily connected in the community, they've become friends with our original neighbor friends and although I don't feel aggressively excluded, I definitely feel shut out. Every weekend we can hear their get togethers, music etc. and I see their Instagram posts talking about how amazing it is to have great neighbors etc.

I feel like I've reverted back to middle school anxiety, navigating being shunned by the cool kids and I hate that I'm allowing myself to feel this way. The truth is, my husband and I are introverts and not truly made for big get togethers every weekend (especially with people I don't particularly feel close to) so what the hell is my problem? My husband seems unbothered by all of it, my kids have noticed the shift in our relationship with the original neighbor friends but seem to be navigating it well. I've found myself daydreaming about selling it all, moving far away and starting fresh which seems drastic but I can't stop ruminating on these feelings of being the left out family on the block. How do I move past this and get my shit together?

[Anonymous]

Don’t be hard on yourself. All of these people can sense your insecurity and that is why you’re not included. Work on you and loving you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be hard on yourself. All of these people can sense your insecurity and that is why you’re not included. Work on you and loving you.

Thank you, pp, I appreciate that and I agree, I'm sure they can sense my insecurity but I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm going through a difficult patch in my life having recently lost my sister to breast cancer so I imagine that's complicating everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be hard on yourself. All of these people can sense your insecurity and that is why you’re not included. Work on you and loving you.

Thank you, pp, I appreciate that and I agree, I'm sure they can sense my insecurity but I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm going through a difficult patch in my life having recently lost my sister to breast cancer so I imagine that's complicating everything.

PP here. Focus on YOU and be selfish! And don’t by any means feel guilty about being selfish- there is nothing wrong with it. I don’t care what anyone else says!

[Anonymous]

Therapy. This has less to do with your current adult situation than your unresolved feelings (“trauma”) from your youth. Memory reprocessing can help with this. It’s not just for PTSD. Trauma is a big word but it’s a spectrum of behavior and reactions ranging from bullying and neglect to assault, rape, war, etc.

Basically, trauma as used in a therapy setting is a euphemism for feelings that are unprocessed and “stuck” in the body.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't have to change you to be treated well. Mean girl behavior and negative group bonding are about THEM.

If you are more introverted, maybe just wasn't the best fit.

Try to cultivate relationships with others when you are feeling up to it. Grief is hard. Very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Feeling left out or excluded from social circles can be a difficult and uncomfortable experience, especially when it's happening in your own neighborhood. In your case, it sounds like you're struggling with feelings of rejection and anxiety because you don't feel as connected to the new family in your community.

It's okay to have different levels of connection with different people. You don't have to be friends with everyone in your neighborhood, and it's okay if some relationships are closer than others. It's also important to recognize that neighborhood dynamics can change over time, and new people and relationships can enter and exit your life.

Instead of focusing on the negative feelings of exclusion, try to shift your perspective and focus on the positive aspects of your current relationships with your original neighbor friends. Remind yourself of the good times you've shared with them and the things you enjoy about their company. You can also make an effort to strengthen these relationships by planning outings or activities that you all enjoy.

If you're feeling particularly down about the situation, it can help to talk to someone about your feelings. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with support, guidance, and strategies to manage your emotions.

Ultimately, it's important to remember that you have control over your own happiness and well-being. Pursue activities that bring you joy, even if they don't involve your neighbors. Focus on your own interests and hobbies, and don't be afraid to seek out new experiences and friendships outside of your immediate community. By doing so, you may find that you're able to form new and meaningful connections that bring you fulfillment and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't have to change you to be treated well. Mean girl behavior and negative group bonding are about THEM.

If you are more introverted, maybe just wasn't the best fit.

Try to cultivate relationships with others when you are feeling up to it. Grief is hard. Very sorry for your loss.

Why are you posting this ridiculous response? OP never said they’re engaging in “mean girl” behaviors. Her two neighbors can connect without being meanAND OP can feel left out. Both things can be true at the same time. If you actually read OP’s post, she states that no one is doing anything to “aggressively exclude” her.

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t get sucked into therapy to revisit trauma ad nauseum. It only serves to keep it going.

[Anonymous]

This is normal, OP. Definitely not just you. My advice is to keep inviting the friends you do have over and you’ll slowly expand your social circle. Try not to compare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is normal, OP. Definitely not just you. My advice is to keep inviting the friends you do have over and you’ll slowly expand your social circle. Try not to compare.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't have to change you to be treated well. Mean girl behavior and negative group bonding are about THEM.

If you are more introverted, maybe just wasn't the best fit.

Try to cultivate relationships with others when you are feeling up to it. Grief is hard. Very sorry for your loss.

Why are you posting this ridiculous response? OP never said they’re engaging in “mean girl” behaviors. Her two neighbors can connect without being meanAND OP can feel left out. Both things can be true at the same time. If you actually read OP’s post, she states that no one is doing anything to “aggressively exclude” her.

They certainly are not being KIND AND SUPPORTIVE when she just lost a SIBLING TO CANCER. You know, like friends a and neighbors might be friendly and neighborly and inclusive at a difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be hard on yourself. All of these people can sense your insecurity and that is why you’re not included. Work on you and loving you.

Thank you, pp, I appreciate that and I agree, I'm sure they can sense my insecurity but I don't know how to get rid of it. I'm going through a difficult patch in my life having recently lost my sister to breast cancer so I imagine that's complicating everything.

PP here. Focus on YOU and be selfish! And don’t by any means feel guilty about being selfish- there is nothing wrong with it. I don’t care what anyone else says!

Thank you pp, navigating the grief and insecurities I'm having have been challenging.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you’re human, OP. Humans (most of them, anyway) are wired, neurologically, to feel hurt by being excluded. Are you not invited to these parties, or do you choose not to go? If the latter, go occasionally, if the former, that completely sucks.

Also, block these people on IG. Find other things to do weekend nights so you don’t have to hear them all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feeling left out or excluded from social circles can be a difficult and uncomfortable experience, especially when it's happening in your own neighborhood. In your case, it sounds like you're struggling with feelings of rejection and anxiety because you don't feel as connected to the new family in your community.

It's okay to have different levels of connection with different people. You don't have to be friends with everyone in your neighborhood, and it's okay if some relationships are closer than others. It's also important to recognize that neighborhood dynamics can change over time, and new people and relationships can enter and exit your life.

Instead of focusing on the negative feelings of exclusion, try to shift your perspective and focus on the positive aspects of your current relationships with your original neighbor friends. Remind yourself of the good times you've shared with them and the things you enjoy about their company. You can also make an effort to strengthen these relationships by planning outings or activities that you all enjoy.

If you're feeling particularly down about the situation, it can help to talk to someone about your feelings. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with support, guidance, and strategies to manage your emotions.

Ultimately, it's important to remember that you have control over your own happiness and well-being. Pursue activities that bring you joy, even if they don't involve your neighbors. Focus on your own interests and hobbies, and don't be afraid to seek out new experiences and friendships outside of your immediate community. By doing so, you may find that you're able to form new and meaningful connections that bring you fulfillment and happiness.

OP here, thank you for this kind and thoughtful response. I've said many of the same things to my kids as they've struggled with friendships here and there and I agree with all the things you said. It was comforting to read your advice and a good reminder that I have the control to shift my own focus.