DC overwhelmed with college decision

[Anonymous]

DS shuts down, retreats to his room if we try to discuss anything related to picking a school. He was accepted to 4 schools - he did the applications himself. However, he won’t open emails from the schools that admitted him or sign up for any admitted student tours. He refuses to meet with a therapist. He does not have a diagnosis but family members have indicated to us that he might be on the spectrum. He has not had any difficulties like this until this year.

Any advice for how to approach the college decision for a kid with autism? We are not sure how to help him. If he can’t decide, should we pay the deposit at one of the schools and ask for a gap year?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he’s just not ready. I would ask him if he wants to defer a year and look into school policies/deadlines for that.

[Anonymous]

He is not ready to go to a 4-year school & live on-campus away from home.

[Anonymous]

I’d take him to visit everywhere you can and help him make a pro/con list, emphasizing that there is probably no wrong choice. If he’s ambivalent then I would make cost and proximity to home the tiebreaker.

Offer the option of community college or gap year, but it just sounds like anxiety to me.

[Anonymous]

Our child does not have autism but went through a really protracted and difficult bout with anxiety about four months before the fall semester. It was so bad I looked into deferrals and the school our DC had chosen allows a deferral for up to two years, no questions asked. Definitely look into it as a viable option at all the schools in which your son has been accepted. Also check out what supports the schools have with respect to mental health and autism.
Good luck to you and your son!

[Anonymous]

Ask him if he WANTS to be in college next year. If yes, do what PP said and go visit the schools/help him make a list of pros and cons. The Common Data Sets can be helpful with this, as can guidebooks like Princeton Review, which has comments on what each school is like.

Also, make sure he understands that there is no WRONG answer. He'll almost be certainly be successful and contented at whichever he chooses. This will relieve some of the pressure.

And maybe the school counselor could help with this? That's part of their job.

Do any of the schools offer options for not having a roommate? Having worked with people on the spectrum for many years, I know sharing space with someone you don't know can be a big problem.

[Anonymous]

college acceptance blue is real! Happens on lots of seniors. Give them a couple days to relax and cool down, visit somewhere to take mind off, eventually peer influence will kick in and they will start making decisions. Talk to school counselors to see if they see this a lot and have any input. Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

Tell him that all of the schools are great choices, but that if he doesn’t decide differently, the default choice is the least expensive. That is the one you will commit to and pay the deposit for at the decision deadline.

[Anonymous]

Sign up for accepted students day yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the helpful responses. This gives me some ideas to think about. I like the idea of telling him we will pick the least expensive if he can’t decide. If his anxiety doesn’t fade after the decision is made we can request a deferral. I did some research and 3 of the 4 schools allow a deferral for admission for 1 year.

[Anonymous]

Try community college .

[Anonymous]

I would also maybe send a text rather than face to face if he shuts down--just send a text saying your plan (You need to decide by April 30, if you haven't made a decision by then we will send a deposit to x school since it is the least expensive --or whatever criteria you want to use). I agree that it's important to find out if it's the decision that is producing anxiety or something beyond that and then adjust plans accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I am having similar issues with my DD, who has been admitted to some great places, and can't decide on any of them. She just says "I don't want to talk about it anymore"

I quite honestly think that kids have too many choices now - if they got into five of the 12 schools they may have applied to! I only had one choice and that was the affordable state school back in my day. The choice was easy.

I did talk to a relative who told me that kids sometimes can't make the choice and you have to make it for them. We also sat down and talked finances and what was affordable.

You may have to make the best choice. Hopefully, he will just go and learn to love where he goes. I know in my DD's situation, none of the schools in the affordable range are bad. All good. Just got to go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that all of the schools are great choices, but that if he doesn’t decide differently, the default choice is the least expensive. That is the one you will commit to and pay the deposit for at the decision deadline.

The default choice will be none of the above, because he hasn't made a decision and his spot is going to be released on May 1.

[Anonymous]

This is tough. I’ve found with my kid two thing’s marginally worked.
1. We had to be very direct about what we were willing to do and what we weren’t and any deadline/consequences. So if we weren’t willing to pay three times the amount for a private college unless they visited an in-state college, we had to say, if you haven’t signed up by x date (and pick the date assuming they won’t even look/start until that date so don’t wait until the last minute) this is what happens and stick to it. Anything other than that had us stressed out because we felt like we would be the ones dealing with the consequences of their inaction while they were unbothered and living their lives
2. We set aside a specific agreed upon time when we would talk about colleges and set a time limit. My kid got very agitated and felt pressured by all college/adulting talks even though they wanted to go off to college. For me, my parents were strict as heck,I was a latch key kid responsible for watching younger siblings, and I had a job since I was 14 so I felt like I was getting a lot more freedom and not a big leap in more responsibilities by going off to college. For my kid, the jump in responsibilities between high school and college was pretty steep and it wasn’t as big of a step up in having more freedom. I think they wanted to enjoy that longer …probably even more so after losing almost a year/year and a half to virtual school and COVID protocols.