Help me analyze/understand/empathize(?) with sister’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

Sister is 44F. (FWIW we are very close in age). Practically went to high school, college, and even lived together after for a few years. She was always the pretty, fun, outgoing one. Smart, graduated top of her class, master’s degree, big 4 job. Had boyfriends/friends/normal relationships growing up. Was fit and active.

Sometime in adulthood, casual drinking turned into alcohol and some drug abuse. After years of fighting, finally got sober in late 30’s. Has taken a variety of SSRI’s over time and now Xanax as far as I understand. Eventually fired from job for poor performance, didn’t work for two years or so, then had to sell house and move in with parents.

Now has lived with parents for around two years, makes excuses for any poor behavior or decisions, has a woe is me/victim attitude anytime something goes wrong in her life, seems to get a kick out of upsetting 70+ year old parents (including my mother who is in poor health), argumentative about any topic with everyone (for example, something as mundane as whether cats know/like their owners), on trips with family spends half her day in bed vaping and watching tv on iPhone, her space in parents’ home is filthy/smelly/clothes and stuff everywhere on the ground, etc. (and it was like this when she lived in her own place so it is not a lack of space issue), apparently does have a job making 180k according to her. . . .

What is this behavior/physiological condition? Originally I wondered if there was some bipolar or other psychiatric condition, but I don’t think it is. Probably some depression. She definitely has some anxiety, but that can’t be the only thing going on.

What is the solution? Tough love? I have already made the mistake of trying to protect my parents, but have come to the conclusion it’s not up to me to set boundaries for my parents. She hasn’t done anything to me to want to cut her off, but after years of trying to help her, I’m tired of losing sleep about her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like depression and the assholery that results from bitterness over the way life has gone.

[Anonymous]

People often spiral downward with substance abuse. Sounds like the whole system is dysfunctional. Your parents may be enabling her. It's not your problem. Don't take her in.

I have a sibling like that with no substance abuse who lives on her own, but visits elderly mommy often to be doted on. My mother treats her like she is 6 and caters and feeds right into the victim mentality. That's her choice. She tries to get me involved doting on the 50 year old princess who takes no responsibility for her nasty actions. I refuse to join in unless she gets therapy. I swear even if my sister committed a crime she would rather cover up then have her get therapy and learn to be a decent independent human who takes charge of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People often spiral downward with substance abuse. Sounds like the whole system is dysfunctional. Your parents may be enabling her. It's not your problem. Don't take her in.

I have a sibling like that with no substance abuse who lives on her own, but visits elderly mommy often to be doted on. My mother treats her like she is 6 and caters and feeds right into the victim mentality. That's her choice. She tries to get me involved doting on the 50 year old princess who takes no responsibility for her nasty actions. I refuse to join in unless she gets therapy. I swear even if my sister committed a crime she would rather cover up then have her get therapy and learn to be a decent independent human who takes charge of her life.

They definitely are, and I made the mistake of trying to stop it in the beginning, but I realize it’s falling on death ears and I suppose not my place to intrude on their relationship either, unless she is actively physically harming or putting them in danger. But the mental harm she is doing to them is real.

[Anonymous]

I really do not like to spend time with her or enjoy being around her in any way. Do I not invite her to family events at my house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not like to spend time with her or enjoy being around her in any way. Do I not invite her to family events at my house?

I don't think you can invite your parents without her if they are so enmeshed. Maybe meet them in public places where you can make an excuse to leave if it is too much.

I too thought my sister was making mom so miserable always sharing all her self-created problems (starting dramas at work and then wondering why people distanced themselves). I finally realized in therapy mom needed this as much my sister did. They had a whole codependent insanity going on. The problem is my mother kept trying to drag me into the dramatics and I kept pushing back with saying these are things she needs to work out in therapy and I will not get involved.

When my mom has a brief respite from my sister's latest drama mom doesn't seem to enjoy it. She just gets herself wrapped up in her housekeeper's dramas with her family or a random friend's dramas and mom goes on and on and takes sides and obsesses. It's like soap opera addict I suppose. And she tries ti suck me into gossiping about her housekeeper's daughter in law or her friend's daughter. I just get off the phone or make an excuse to leave. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

[Anonymous]

Maybe attend a few Al-anon meetings, a support group for family members of addicts. They'll tell you that you can't fix a person who doesn't want to be fixed, whether it's getting sober or finding the right meds. You just have to step away and set boundaries that work for you.

It does sound like she needs therapy and a re-evaluation of her meds. You could push for that.

[Anonymous]

She is an addict. Even if she is sober, which it doesn’t sound like she really is, she is still an addict. She has no coping mechanisms that are not selfish, blaming others, lying, etc.

You will never fix this. Try Al anonz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe attend a few Al-anon meetings, a support group for family members of addicts. They'll tell you that you can't fix a person who doesn't want to be fixed, whether it's getting sober or finding the right meds. You just have to step away and set boundaries that work for you.

It does sound like she needs therapy and a re-evaluation of her meds. You could push for that.

Definitely tried that and her general response is that she is on top of things, doesn’t need help, or gets super defensive. Thanks all for the input. Sometimes writing it out just helps.

[Anonymous]

Start by being less judgmental and sanctimonious.

Maybe something happened to her that you don’t know about.

Maybe she has internally struggled with mental illness.

Maybe you two had different childhoods in ways you do not understand or have insight or compassion for.

Maybe she is neurodivergent.

Maybe you got luckier in some way.

There’s more to this story than just “I’m perfect and my dysfunctional sister sucks.”

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP it doesn’t sound like anyone is being abused here. It sounds like your parents are competent to make their own decisions about her. So this is pretty low on the scale of family crises. She’s living really differently than you, with her own problems. Let her be. Try to include her graciously in family events but no, you don’t have to.

[Anonymous]

You can make boundaries. There would be NO vaping in my house. Full stop. No, you don’t have to invite her to your home. Be prepared for your parents to come to her defense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start by being less judgmental and sanctimonious.

Maybe something happened to her that you don’t know about.

Maybe she has internally struggled with mental illness.

Maybe you two had different childhoods in ways you do not understand or have insight or compassion for.

Maybe she is neurodivergent.

Maybe you got luckier in some way.

There’s more to this story than just “I’m perfect and my dysfunctional sister sucks.”

Triggered much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start by being less judgmental and sanctimonious.

Maybe something happened to her that you don’t know about.

Maybe she has internally struggled with mental illness.

Maybe you two had different childhoods in ways you do not understand or have insight or compassion for.

Maybe she is neurodivergent.

Maybe you got luckier in some way.

There’s more to this story than just “I’m perfect and my dysfunctional sister sucks.”

So you agree she’s dysfunctional though?

[Anonymous]

+1 that she’s an addict whether she’s sober or not. I suspect she’s not. Xanax is highly addictive. A relative was in rehab and said that benzos were the reason the majority of people were there. I’d be willing to bet she’s abusing these and likely other substances.