Help me analyze/understand/empathize(?) with sister’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start by being less judgmental and sanctimonious.

Maybe something happened to her that you don’t know about.

Maybe she has internally struggled with mental illness.

Maybe you two had different childhoods in ways you do not understand or have insight or compassion for.

Maybe she is neurodivergent.

Maybe you got luckier in some way.

There’s more to this story than just “I’m perfect and my dysfunctional sister sucks.”

NP here: says someone who has not been on the receiving end of a family member's addiction.

OP, your sister is my brother, except he doesn't live with my parents but in a house they bought for him. I did Al-Anon sessions online, they also have great podcasts. Your sister can be a dry alcoholic/drug addict (the personality traits may still be there even after they get sober, the victimhood, the manipulation, the rudeness, the lying, etc). Disengage. Set up boundaries and stick to them. Take all of your emotion out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being less judgmental and sanctimonious.

Maybe something happened to her that you don’t know about.

Maybe she has internally struggled with mental illness.

Maybe you two had different childhoods in ways you do not understand or have insight or compassion for.

Maybe she is neurodivergent.

Maybe you got luckier in some way.

There’s more to this story than just “I’m perfect and my dysfunctional sister sucks.”

NP here: says someone who has not been on the receiving end of a family member's addiction.

OP, your sister is my brother, except he doesn't live with my parents but in a house they bought for him. I did Al-Anon sessions online, they also have great podcasts. Your sister can be a dry alcoholic/drug addict (the personality traits may still be there even after they get sober, the victimhood, the manipulation, the rudeness, the lying, etc). Disengage. Set up boundaries and stick to them. Take all of your emotion out of it.

This is exactly what we are all dealing with - it’s not just me, but parents, other sibling, cousins, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People often spiral downward with substance abuse. Sounds like the whole system is dysfunctional. Your parents may be enabling her. It's not your problem. Don't take her in.

I have a sibling like that with no substance abuse who lives on her own, but visits elderly mommy often to be doted on. My mother treats her like she is 6 and caters and feeds right into the victim mentality. That's her choice. She tries to get me involved doting on the 50 year old princess who takes no responsibility for her nasty actions. I refuse to join in unless she gets therapy. I swear even if my sister committed a crime she would rather cover up then have her get therapy and learn to be a decent independent human who takes charge of her life.

New poster in a similar situation (but sibling lives with my parent and is an alcoholic). I also, after many years, at age 40, set boundaries and refuse contact unless my sibling gets therapy. My mother (father is deceased) excuses him for everything and basically takes responsibility for his life. I really had to cut down on how often I see her as well, its all too disturbing and nothing I do makes any difference in their life (I once tried to set him up with a psychologist, but she cancelled the appointment.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People often spiral downward with substance abuse. Sounds like the whole system is dysfunctional. Your parents may be enabling her. It's not your problem. Don't take her in.

I have a sibling like that with no substance abuse who lives on her own, but visits elderly mommy often to be doted on. My mother treats her like she is 6 and caters and feeds right into the victim mentality. That's her choice. She tries to get me involved doting on the 50 year old princess who takes no responsibility for her nasty actions. I refuse to join in unless she gets therapy. I swear even if my sister committed a crime she would rather cover up then have her get therapy and learn to be a decent independent human who takes charge of her life.

New poster in a similar situation (but sibling lives with my parent and is an alcoholic). I also, after many years, at age 40, set boundaries and refuse contact unless my sibling gets therapy. My mother (father is deceased) excuses him for everything and basically takes responsibility for his life. I really had to cut down on how often I see her as well, its all too disturbing and nothing I do makes any difference in their life (I once tried to set him up with a psychologist, but she cancelled the appointment.)

I think in many cases the enabling parent IS the drug. I have a friend whose brother is like this; grown adults who lives w mom rent free; mom is just as heavily invested in this continuing as brother is.