Father Resists Companion Care

[Anonymous]

My father, 85, moved in with us last year. He’s in pretty good shape for his age. Hearing and eyesight good, no major health issues. Some
arthritis, a little unstable and uses a cane, take high blood pressure meds but that’s it. He stopped driving when he moved in with us.

Things were fine until about 6 months ago when his memory started to get noticeably worse. After about three months it started to get worse pretty quickly. Saw a neurologist, nothing there of note that could cause this other than normal age related decline he said.

It’s to the point where he can be left alone for short periods ok, but not more than a couple of hours. I don’t worry about his wandering off, he just gets nervous and thinks we are away longer than we are and keeps calling to ask where we are every 15-20 min.

He also forgets things like whether he used the cash in his wallet or lost it, if he used his credit card recently, he can’t remember plans, whether he has had a bowel movement recently. I dispense all of his meds.
I encourage him to just use a credit card to keep track but he feels unsafe without cash, so he keeps some on him. He asks the same question 10 times. All of this has made it difficult to get my work done (I work from home) and even though I am not technically doing much during the day, he gets lonely and unclear about time, he wants to have long lunches and talk, or give me a synopsis of his TV show.

I hired a companion to keep him company and take care of things like his laundry and such, and to drive him to appointments. He resists this and says it is a waste of money since he just sits around at home most of the time.

He makes it unpleasant for the companions because he is in a grumpy mood around them and calls them babysitters to their faces. He goes into his bedroom and shuts the door and is alone a lot of the time anyway.

I just don’t know what to do about this situation. Advice? Thanks in advance especially if you have been there.

[Anonymous]

OP this is tough but also kind of what you expected, right? When you moved him in?

The doctors, especially the neurologists, have nothing for most of us at that age. For a few things they work miracles. For most things it’s hardly worth the trip.

Get over the idea that everything will be hunky dory or your dad will be content most of the time. He’s going through a very difficult and depressing process. It’s normal for all of you to be very upset by it.

There’s little you can do except try to prepare for each new phase and meet it as best you can.

You need to protect your work hours somehow if you need to keep your job. I’d suggest finding workspace offsite. The public library can be a good starting point in some locations.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. It is difficult. Did you post here before moving him in? It's all as the person before me said, typical of what happens. That's why so many of us suggested getting them acclimated to a residential facility before things decline so they develop a social network there, find the social activities they like and can be evaluated and properly medicated (and get therapy if willing) if they develop depressive symptoms, etc. Meds would probably help him and experts usually give their blessing for therapeutic lies like "this is just an extra BP/thyroid/diabetes med from the doctor that helps your other meds work better" or whatever to get them to take it and not worry about the stigma of mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP. It is difficult. Did you post here before moving him in? It's all as the person before me said, typical of what happens. That's why so many of us suggested getting them acclimated to a residential facility before things decline so they develop a social network there, find the social activities they like and can be evaluated and properly medicated (and get therapy if willing) if they develop depressive symptoms, etc. Meds would probably help him and experts usually give their blessing for therapeutic lies like "this is just an extra BP/thyroid/diabetes med from the doctor that helps your other meds work better" or whatever to get them to take it and not worry about the stigma of mental health issues.

No ethical doctor is going to tell you to lie about medications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP. It is difficult. Did you post here before moving him in? It's all as the person before me said, typical of what happens. That's why so many of us suggested getting them acclimated to a residential facility before things decline so they develop a social network there, find the social activities they like and can be evaluated and properly medicated (and get therapy if willing) if they develop depressive symptoms, etc. Meds would probably help him and experts usually give their blessing for therapeutic lies like "this is just an extra BP/thyroid/diabetes med from the doctor that helps your other meds work better" or whatever to get them to take it and not worry about the stigma of mental health issues.

No ethical doctor is going to tell you to lie about medications.

That's not our experience going through this with parents and inlaws. In fact the doctor even uses it. If the parent can accept it's for mental health, but needs to feel superior I have been there for the neurologist saying "it's just a tiny dose to take the edge off and we will work up to what is still a tiny dose- nothing like what we prescribe to those with anxiety disorders" when in fact it is the typical dose and typical plan-nothing special for the elderly who insists she is too special for these meds. Another doctor did use the blood pressure excuse and it wasn't a total lie. He did feel anti-anxiety meds would help with BP, but it was clear they would not be accepted if called "anti-anxiety meds."

If an elder can accept that it is not a big deal to need antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds then of course no therapeutic lies are needed.

[Anonymous]

There is a memory drug (Donepezil) that works for a short period of time (6 months or so). That might buy you some relief for a few months. Also make sure he doesn't have a UTI.

[Anonymous]

One thing I've had to accept about my dad, op, who also is starting to get cared for by respite to give my mom a break-is that he is not cognitively able to make the decision about respite or companion care, and neither is your dad. You have to make that decision for him. It's hard to accept that your parent is no longer cognitively able to make these kind of decisions, but unfortunately it's the case.

I mean, you've got to be able to work without your dad wondering off or turning the stove on and starting a fire potentially or any of these other crazy things, I know because my dad is like that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can find a companion he likes better. One who will watch his favorite TV shows with him and then rehash them, play cards with him if he likes that, listen to him talk about his memories and ask relevant questions, just somebody he views as more of a buddy than a babysitter. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Ironically, he sounds like my 6 year old when I was trying to work from home during the first covid wave. It's crazy how aging really is the backwards progression through childhood.

Is there a senior center where the aide can take him? So that it's not just a random stranger sitting in his living room but more like a driver to take him some place else? Once they get to know each other and build a rapport, sitting around the living room might be fine. But forced companionship (while absolutely necessary!) might be awkward at first.

There are a few senior centers near us that will go pick up members and bring them to the center. I see their little bus in our neighborhood a lot.

[Anonymous]

Op have you looked into Senior day programs in your area? They will take for the whole day and even some offer transport. If he becames a safety risk at some point they can't work with it though. The other issue that people learned over Covid is they shut down for pandemics of course, but even norovirus spreading. Then you have to quickly stop work and figure out WTF you are going to do. It is so much better to get them socially acclimated to an AL or some other residential situation. Much easier to visit and check on things then to have the entire decline in your home.

[Anonymous]

Hi this is OP and no have not posted before about this. I guess it is just a very usual thing, a story told over and over.

I just hate how he makes me feel guilty over it, like I am treating him like a child and getting him a “babysitter.” I told him it’s so he can go anywhere and do anything he wants to do, the person is at his disposal, he doesn’t have to sit around avoiding her.

The truth is, as another poster said, the companion really is sort of a babysitter. He’s not wrong. But like when my kids were young, they did need a babysitter and so does my dad.

It might be better if I could find a man, he might feel like he could talk to him more about things and not feel so infantilized but I have had zero luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is OP and no have not posted before about this. I guess it is just a very usual thing, a story told over and over.

I just hate how he makes me feel guilty over it, like I am treating him like a child and getting him a “babysitter.” I told him it’s so he can go anywhere and do anything he wants to do, the person is at his disposal, he doesn’t have to sit around avoiding her.

The truth is, as another poster said, the companion really is sort of a babysitter. He’s not wrong. But like when my kids were young, they did need a babysitter and so does my dad.

It might be better if I could find a man, he might feel like he could talk to him more about things and not feel so infantilized but I have had zero luck.

I wonder if a senior center might have people/members who do this sort of thing? You could have 5 people, each one comes on a different day. They would be older and so more relatable, but they would be more aware and cognizant than your dad. In return, they get some income and an easy job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is OP and no have not posted before about this. I guess it is just a very usual thing, a story told over and over.

I just hate how he makes me feel guilty over it, like I am treating him like a child and getting him a “babysitter.” I told him it’s so he can go anywhere and do anything he wants to do, the person is at his disposal, he doesn’t have to sit around avoiding her.

The truth is, as another poster said, the companion really is sort of a babysitter. He’s not wrong. But like when my kids were young, they did need a babysitter and so does my dad.

It might be better if I could find a man, he might feel like he could talk to him more about things and not feel so infantilized but I have had zero luck.

13:47 here-same! I've tried, but the labor shortage makes it hard to even find anyone consistently.

[Anonymous]

Something that worked for us early on is having the person stay sometimes in another room with a baby monitor. We called it a “radio.” So the elderly person could “radio” for help by just speaking up. If your dad tends to wander away it might not work. But if he is just sitting and watching tv and doesn’t want a stranger on the couch, it’s an option.

[Anonymous]

I am thinking of the movie Driving Miss Daisy where the driver sat for a long long time doing nothing but eventually was loved and appreciated.