Agree or disagree: having kids forces you to grow up?

[Anonymous]

And that is not a bad thing!

[Anonymous]

For some people. For others, they continue being immature, or they actually become even more immature (dads who are jealous the mom spends so much time with the baby, for example).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some people. For others, they continue being immature, or they actually become even more immature (dads who are jealous the mom spends so much time with the baby, for example).

Yup. Just depends.

[Anonymous]

My mother never grew up (had me at 20) and in many ways I acted at her parent while growing up. So, no.

[Anonymous]

I think it can but doesn't always.

I do think having a child creates an imposition of responsibility that is heavier than most other things you will experience as an adult. You lose a certain amount of freedom and it changes the way you make decisions in a really profound way. I think a lot of people, especially very privileged people (and there are a lot of those on this board) have never experienced that kind of obligation before. They might have had responsibilities at work, but you can always leave a job (especially if you are fairly privileged and can feel confident in getting another one, and have a financial cushion). But you can't just bail on being a parent if you don't like it. That weighs heavily on people and I think it's that transitions that feels like a step up in maturity for some people, especially people who have never really had that kind of burden of responsibility before.

I also think people who have kids young sometimes feel more mature than peers because of that responsibility. They see peers making choices that they cannot make (or would be deemed selfish for making) and they instinctually view it as immature. But it's not because their circumstances are different. What would be immature or selfish for a parent to do is neither immature nor selfish for a childless person the same age. It's hard for people to accept that.

Plus I know a lot of parents who are very immature in a whole variety of ways. I was raised by immature parents, actually. So becoming a parent is not a magic wand that suddenly grants you emotional regulation, restraint, etc. If you don't have those things before becoming a parent, you won't suddenly gain them by having kids. Best case scenario, having kids makes you realize that you need to mature and do the work to do so. But you can do that without kids too, and it's probably better if you do it before you have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother never grew up (had me at 20) and in many ways I acted at her parent while growing up. So, no.

+1, my parents were really young when they had us and same -- they were very emotionally stunted and then leaned on us to play parental roles in their lives. I had to deal with all that before I became a parent, too, or I probably would have just continued the pattern. I think this is really common.

[Anonymous]

Most definitely, at any age.

[Anonymous]

Somewhat. It forces you to confront your own personality flaws/habits/ability to cope and it makes you more resilient in some ways. Definitely forces you to get up early and go to bed early!

[Anonymous]

some do, some never

[Anonymous]

Parenting makes it really important that you grow up but doesn't force you to do so.

Most people respond to the importance of growing up by doing so, but the ones that don't really let down their kids.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t directly related to the question, but one thing that is sad is that you sort of have to practice on your first child. So often the first child is a “victim” (can’t think of a less dramatic word right now) of your immaturity. I was totally devoted to being the best mom I could be, but before I became a mom i just wasn’t as patient and calm as I should have been. I learned, but only because I saw the negative impacts of my actions on my first child. So it’s sad for kids who are making their parents grow up, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily. Having kids really young might actually stall your development. And some people mature, but others continue being irresponsible and immature.

[Anonymous]

Considering the number of threads there are here about parents (probably more-so dads) who don't step up/do enough/keep acting exactly like they did before kids...I'd say disagree.

[Anonymous]

If you’re driven to be a good parent, yes. You cannot continue to behave in immature, dysfunctional, or self-defeating ways and hope to be an effective parent.

However, many people do not heed the call to grow into the role, and model terrible behaviors for their kids and pit themselves first. I would imagine this is the rule rather than the exception, unfortunately.

For me personally, I grew by leaps and bounds when I became a mom. I had been pretty aimless and immature but it was only after becoming a parent that I finished college, stopped interacting with certain kinds of people, and prioritizing stability and financial wellness.

[Anonymous]

No. I have several family members who had kids and they did not become more mature at all. It was a sad situation all the way around.

Now the relative's children (who don't want to have kids because of their experience) are much more mature than their own mother and father.

Having kids to "mature" is what puts many kids in foster care or in the care of their grandparents.