S/O friends who can’t read a room

[Anonymous]

What do you typically say to these types to get them to realize they are rude/hurtful/etc?

[Anonymous]

All too often “read the room” means comply with groupthink.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's actually better to hear an honest perspective about something rather than one that is designed to make the receiver feel good about themselves. You feel it's rude, but maybe we all need more of this.

[Anonymous]

OP you'll have to give an example.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, OP, you just really need to hear your drunk uncle’s feelings about your Jewish in-laws. It would be rude not to.

[Anonymous]

I usually don’t say anything. It’s their own issue to deal with.

[Anonymous]

What some consider "rude" can be anything these days.

And the reaction by "the room" could actually be what's rude or hostile. Lord of the Flies group think style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you'll have to give an example.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have an Aspie husband who can't read a room. He's learning... very slowly.

[Anonymous]

My attitude on this is that when are rude or hurtful I say "that's rude" or "that's hurtful." If they keep doing it and I can't find a way to look past it, I tell them "I don't like being around you when you speak like this -- if you can't find a way to keep some of these thoughts to yourself, or to be more tactful in how you share them, I will choose to spend less time with you." And then follow through.

Don't get into an argument about whether what they are saying is actually rude or hurtful. As you can see from some of the responses so far, many people like to justify this behavior as "honest" or "telling it like it is." They are under the mistaken impression that people are looking for this kind of feedback, or benefit from unsolicited, harsh feedback. You won't change their mind. So don't. Just explain that you don't like it and will choose to spend your time elsewhere if they keep doing something that makes you feel unhappy.

Spending time with friends is supposed to be enjoyable, life is too short to waste it with people who don't get this.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Okay, I'm not asking this friend to comply with "group think" or to sugarcoat her opinions. The funny thing about that is that she is the type who will ask for advice, but as soon as you give it, she's upset that you aren't "making her feel good about herself". Typically these instances of needing advice are from her making a fool of her self due to... you guessed it... not reading the room.

Ex. She's out to dinner with 2 friends. Both of those friends are immigrants who have been in the USA for a while. They are talking about planning trips to their home countries. Friend (I'll call her Larla) says "I don't know if you should go. A lot of those poor countries have issues with kidnapping and gangs". One of the others says, "I'm from (country) and my family is still there" in a very dead pan "WTF" type of way. Larla proceeds to get defensive as if she isn't the one who just offended these people.

Ex2. She harps on other people's decisions. So if a friend is buying a house that she thinks is "too much house", she will not let it rest. Even at this person's housewarming she was making a big deal about how it's "too much house for a small family". It has gotten to the point that the house buying friend has said to her, "Look Larla, I get that you wouldn't want a big house, but it's what's right for my family right now. I'd appreciate if you would stop bringing it up". Larla then proceeds to talk about it with mutual friends as if she's trying to get them to side with her about how the house is too big.

As some posters have said previously, it's not that she is wrong for having an opinion, it's just that she comes across like an A hole and then back pedals and makes herself the victim. It all could be avoided if she just thought about things before speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My attitude on this is that when are rude or hurtful I say "that's rude" or "that's hurtful." If they keep doing it and I can't find a way to look past it, I tell them "I don't like being around you when you speak like this -- if you can't find a way to keep some of these thoughts to yourself, or to be more tactful in how you share them, I will choose to spend less time with you." And then follow through.

Don't get into an argument about whether what they are saying is actually rude or hurtful. As you can see from some of the responses so far, many people like to justify this behavior as "honest" or "telling it like it is." They are under the mistaken impression that people are looking for this kind of feedback, or benefit from unsolicited, harsh feedback. You won't change their mind. So don't. Just explain that you don't like it and will choose to spend your time elsewhere if they keep doing something that makes you feel unhappy.

Spending time with friends is supposed to be enjoyable, life is too short to waste it with people who don't get this.

Thank you!

I don't understand why people don't seem to understand that honesty is great but it should come with compassion. I find that most people who claim to be "brutally honest" are more into the brutality than the honesty.

[Anonymous]

With your follow up, I'm not sure how you fit in. In each case, the ppl she directly offended was more than capable of speaking up. Sure, she will sulk, but that's not your issue to solve.

Frankly, I'd do nothing and distance myself from her. She sounds very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Okay, I'm not asking this friend to comply with "group think" or to sugarcoat her opinions. The funny thing about that is that she is the type who will ask for advice, but as soon as you give it, she's upset that you aren't "making her feel good about herself". Typically these instances of needing advice are from her making a fool of her self due to... you guessed it... not reading the room.

Ex. She's out to dinner with 2 friends. Both of those friends are immigrants who have been in the USA for a while. They are talking about planning trips to their home countries. Friend (I'll call her Larla) says "I don't know if you should go. A lot of those poor countries have issues with kidnapping and gangs". One of the others says, "I'm from (country) and my family is still there" in a very dead pan "WTF" type of way. Larla proceeds to get defensive as if she isn't the one who just offended these people.

Ex2. She harps on other people's decisions. So if a friend is buying a house that she thinks is "too much house", she will not let it rest. Even at this person's housewarming she was making a big deal about how it's "too much house for a small family". It has gotten to the point that the house buying friend has said to her, "Look Larla, I get that you wouldn't want a big house, but it's what's right for my family right now. I'd appreciate if you would stop bringing it up". Larla then proceeds to talk about it with mutual friends as if she's trying to get them to side with her about how the house is too big.

As some posters have said previously, it's not that she is wrong for having an opinion, it's just that she comes across like an A hole and then back pedals and makes herself the victim. It all could be avoided if she just thought about things before speaking.

She's only ever going to change if SHE wants to. You can't force her to change and it's not your responsibility to do so, anymore than it's her responsibility to try and dissuade people from traveling to certain countries or to buy smaller homes. Set your boundaries and then follow them. Spend less time with her or don't invite her out with others if she can't get her $hit together.

Also, it sounds to me like other people are handling her comments well by telling her directly to stop. Are you following their lead? For instance, when your friend with the new house shut her down on the subject and she kept trying to bring it up with your to get you "on her side" did you state clearly that you were not interested in talking about it? Or did you say "you're right, it is too big of a house, but still, you should SAY that to her Larla!" Are you playing both sides of this and in your own way encouraging her behavior and even participating in it in an underhanded way? I've seen that before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My attitude on this is that when are rude or hurtful I say "that's rude" or "that's hurtful." If they keep doing it and I can't find a way to look past it, I tell them "I don't like being around you when you speak like this -- if you can't find a way to keep some of these thoughts to yourself, or to be more tactful in how you share them, I will choose to spend less time with you." And then follow through.

Don't get into an argument about whether what they are saying is actually rude or hurtful. As you can see from some of the responses so far, many people like to justify this behavior as "honest" or "telling it like it is." They are under the mistaken impression that people are looking for this kind of feedback, or benefit from unsolicited, harsh feedback. You won't change their mind. So don't. Just explain that you don't like it and will choose to spend your time elsewhere if they keep doing something that makes you feel unhappy.

Spending time with friends is supposed to be enjoyable, life is too short to waste it with people who don't get this.

Thank you!

I don't understand why people don't seem to understand that honesty is great but it should come with compassion. I find that most people who claim to be "brutally honest" are more into the brutality than the honesty.

+1, and OP's follow up shows that this is an example of someone claiming to be "honest" but who is actually just really opinionated and doesn't understand that most people are not that interested in your opinion on their lives and choices.

It's not the truth, it's just her judging people, and she's so arrogant that she thinks it's truth.