S/O friends who can’t read a room

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My attitude on this is that when are rude or hurtful I say "that's rude" or "that's hurtful." If they keep doing it and I can't find a way to look past it, I tell them "I don't like being around you when you speak like this -- if you can't find a way to keep some of these thoughts to yourself, or to be more tactful in how you share them, I will choose to spend less time with you." And then follow through.

Don't get into an argument about whether what they are saying is actually rude or hurtful. As you can see from some of the responses so far, many people like to justify this behavior as "honest" or "telling it like it is." They are under the mistaken impression that people are looking for this kind of feedback, or benefit from unsolicited, harsh feedback. You won't change their mind. So don't. Just explain that you don't like it and will choose to spend your time elsewhere if they keep doing something that makes you feel unhappy.

Spending time with friends is supposed to be enjoyable, life is too short to waste it with people who don't get this.

Thank you!

I don't understand why people don't seem to understand that honesty is great but it should come with compassion. I find that most people who claim to be "brutally honest" are more into the brutality than the honesty.

Honesty is not great when your honest opinions are a) hurtful and b) wrong. Which is the case with hers. No amount of compassion in the world makes it okay for her to share her terrible opinions.

[Anonymous]

Like when rich people brag about their spending in a room full of people making a fraction what they make? Happens at work all the time.

[Anonymous]

I think the better questions is why are you friends with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With your follow up, I'm not sure how you fit in. In each case, the ppl she directly offended was more than capable of speaking up. Sure, she will sulk, but that's not your issue to solve.

Frankly, I'd do nothing and distance myself from her. She sounds very immature.

Op here,

Yes, those people have spoken up for themselves and most of them have ghosted her or otherwise dropped her. I'm still her friend and she still makes comments that are hurtful and rude.

For example, I was on the phone with her and asked her to hold on a sec because my dog walker was calling and it could be urgent. When I got back to the line, she said "Why do you need a dog walker? It's kind of lazy that you won't walk your own dog." I told her that was rude and she insisted "no but it's true! Your dog is so small, he can't need to walk that long.". I suppose she remembered that I have mobility issues and said "Well can't [partner] walk the dog?".

I told her there was a little more to it than that and that I had to go. She then proceeded to spam me with texts about how she "didn't mean anything by it" and she's sad that I "seem mad" at her.

I didn't want to explain to her that I'm busy and my husband is out of town so I pay someone to give the dog a longer walk than I can manage (about 20 mins). Also, culturally for me, calling someone lazy is offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like when rich people brag about their spending in a room full of people making a fraction what they make? Happens at work all the time.

OP here,

This friend isn't rich but she does things like this too. Like wearing nice shoes to volunteer and then complain that the homeless people in the soup kitchen kept eyeing her shoes. When someone says that maybe she shouldn't wear fancy shoes to a soup kitchen she retorts with "I have the right to wear whatever I want and not be shamed for it". So again, she's not wrong but she sounds like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

She sounds tiresome so I am not sure why you are keeping her around OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With your follow up, I'm not sure how you fit in. In each case, the ppl she directly offended was more than capable of speaking up. Sure, she will sulk, but that's not your issue to solve.

Frankly, I'd do nothing and distance myself from her. She sounds very immature.

Op here,

Yes, those people have spoken up for themselves and most of them have ghosted her or otherwise dropped her. I'm still her friend and she still makes comments that are hurtful and rude.

For example, I was on the phone with her and asked her to hold on a sec because my dog walker was calling and it could be urgent. When I got back to the line, she said "Why do you need a dog walker? It's kind of lazy that you won't walk your own dog." I told her that was rude and she insisted "no but it's true! Your dog is so small, he can't need to walk that long.". I suppose she remembered that I have mobility issues and said "Well can't [partner] walk the dog?".

I told her there was a little more to it than that and that I had to go. She then proceeded to spam me with texts about how she "didn't mean anything by it" and she's sad that I "seem mad" at her.

I didn't want to explain to her that I'm busy and my husband is out of town so I pay someone to give the dog a longer walk than I can manage (about 20 mins). Also, culturally for me, calling someone lazy is offensive.

OP, calling someone lazy is offensive in every culture.

She's rude and disrespectful and you just enable her by putting up with up.

You should not feel in a friendship that it's your obligation to explain your life choices to your friend and then she gets to evaluate them and approve or disapprove. That's just a toxic dynamic.

I would drop her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With your follow up, I'm not sure how you fit in. In each case, the ppl she directly offended was more than capable of speaking up. Sure, she will sulk, but that's not your issue to solve.

Frankly, I'd do nothing and distance myself from her. She sounds very immature.

Op here,

Yes, those people have spoken up for themselves and most of them have ghosted her or otherwise dropped her. I'm still her friend and she still makes comments that are hurtful and rude.

For example, I was on the phone with her and asked her to hold on a sec because my dog walker was calling and it could be urgent. When I got back to the line, she said "Why do you need a dog walker? It's kind of lazy that you won't walk your own dog." I told her that was rude and she insisted "no but it's true! Your dog is so small, he can't need to walk that long.". I suppose she remembered that I have mobility issues and said "Well can't [partner] walk the dog?".

I told her there was a little more to it than that and that I had to go. She then proceeded to spam me with texts about how she "didn't mean anything by it" and she's sad that I "seem mad" at her.

I didn't want to explain to her that I'm busy and my husband is out of town so I pay someone to give the dog a longer walk than I can manage (about 20 mins). Also, culturally for me, calling someone lazy is offensive.

OP, calling someone lazy is offensive in every culture.

She's rude and disrespectful and you just enable her by putting up with up.

You should not feel in a friendship that it's your obligation to explain your life choices to your friend and then she gets to evaluate them and approve or disapprove. That's just a toxic dynamic.

I would drop her.

This

[Anonymous]

Just be direct and tell her straight up when she is being rude! Why are you so worried if you are in the right and she is in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Okay, I'm not asking this friend to comply with "group think" or to sugarcoat her opinions. The funny thing about that is that she is the type who will ask for advice, but as soon as you give it, she's upset that you aren't "making her feel good about herself". Typically these instances of needing advice are from her making a fool of her self due to... you guessed it... not reading the room.

Ex. She's out to dinner with 2 friends. Both of those friends are immigrants who have been in the USA for a while. They are talking about planning trips to their home countries. Friend (I'll call her Larla) says "I don't know if you should go. A lot of those poor countries have issues with kidnapping and gangs". One of the others says, "I'm from (country) and my family is still there" in a very dead pan "WTF" type of way. Larla proceeds to get defensive as if she isn't the one who just offended these people.

Ex2. She harps on other people's decisions. So if a friend is buying a house that she thinks is "too much house", she will not let it rest. Even at this person's housewarming she was making a big deal about how it's "too much house for a small family". It has gotten to the point that the house buying friend has said to her, "Look Larla, I get that you wouldn't want a big house, but it's what's right for my family right now. I'd appreciate if you would stop bringing it up". Larla then proceeds to talk about it with mutual friends as if she's trying to get them to side with her about how the house is too big.

As some posters have said previously, it's not that she is wrong for having an opinion, it's just that she comes across like an A hole and then back pedals and makes herself the victim. It all could be avoided if she just thought about things before speaking.

Serious question: why invite her? I'd make invitations far less frequent. Can't change other people but don't have to give them an opportunity to pull all the attention to themselves with acting out.

[Anonymous]

If you're gonna dump her anyways, I'd give her a big what for first. Maybe she will stop being such a terrible person.