Mother passive-aggressively criticizes my/millennial parenting - how can I respond?

[Anonymous]

My mother by any measure is not a good one. She was verbally and physically abusive and emotionally neglectful. She was dutiful (made sure we were fed, had clean laundry, got to school) but treated us as annoyances and really couldn’t be bothered by our human-ness. She’s just not maternal. She’s also from a culture in which physical abuse of children is normalized, and one in which children should be “seen and not heard.”

Sometimes when we’re talking she’ll critique the intensiveness of modern parenting and ridicule parents who are patient with their children, focus on them, respect them etc. She derides this approach as soft and recently said “until very recently you were just responsible for making sure your children were fed and safe.” I said that indeed the landscape has changed and parenting has become a lot more intensive. I also noted that it’s become a lot more difficult in society to become successful and that this intensiveness is probably needed. Sue rebutted by saying that college admissions are down

It always feels like a thinly veiled criticism of my own parenting, as I am patient with my kids, allow them to have a voice, and am not punitive (as she was). She also manages to make this a racial issue - I am half-white, and she associates these “soft,” “ridiculous” parenting approaches as being entirely in the purview of white people.

She’ll also be very condescending to me about having kids, being a working mom, being a wife etc and speaks to me as though I have no personal experience in these realms (recent example: she said “kids are expensive!”’and I said “yes, I have three kids, I know.”)

I get very annoyed by these conversations and really need some advice on how to assertively shut them down.

[Anonymous]

My parents came from very patriarchal, authoritarian cultures, but I know several members of my family who had loving and emotionally available parents.

So I would start strongly pushing back on your mother's assertions. When my mother says something stupid, I call her out on it immediately. It's the only way she can respect me. I've done this since I was a teen, and realized she wasn't exactly in the running for best parent of the year. She knows what my values are, because I've explained them to her, and over the years she's become way less critical.

It's also a function of your children's ages and her own decline. My kids are now tween/teens. My mother is in her 70s. She both realizes that I'm doing a great job of parenting (even though this is not something she'd ever articulate directly), and she's getting a little tired herself. I feel friction is inevitable when you're just getting started as a mother, your kids are little, and the grandparent inevitably feels impelled to weigh in, in case their child fails in their parenting. It's typical.

So: be a lot more blunt about what a poor parent she was and how you're doing a much better job. And do that much better job! No quarter unless you want criticism your entire life.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp. Don’t think you are going to change your mother, because you almost certainly won’t. But you can make it clear to her that she can’t express her views aggressively to implicitly demean your choices without pushback. If she asserts her views, you assert yours, in a way that makes it clear that you suffered somewhat from the choices she made.
She will back off if you defend yourself clearly and calmly and persistently.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like that. For instance, I asked them not to put blankets in the crib with my newborn and my mom scoffed that "you survived." I got similar comments about always using a car seat. I constantly hear how my kids would be happier or better behaved with a SAHM. They tell me my DH does too much and judge that I don't do all the childcare while working a FT job. In some ways I think my mom wants me to fail professionally or in raising my kids just so she could give me a big told ya so.

It's not a good feeling, OP, but I don't know how to shut it down. I just do my best to ignore it and limit contact.

[Anonymous]

She jealous and probably traumatized bc she sees you raising your kids with love she didn’t receive. My sister (much older than me) was similar to the way your mom acts and she would criticize me. Than her adult kids told her that “I wish you raised us the way our aunt is raising our cousin “

[Anonymous]

OP, so on this board there is a lot of criticism on the awkwardness of DCUM scripts. I'm not going to give you one because I don't know how you normally speak with your mother.

Script aside, here are a couple points:

(1) you need to enforce whatever you are requesting with a boundary. i.e., get clear in your mind what you are going to do when she continues to criticize. And regardless of how beautiful/sharp/perfect your words, your mother will criticize; she's spent a lifetime doing it.

(2) read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents. Your mom is seeing your parenting as somehow a reflection on her - she didn't do enough, she misses what she personally lacked. Something. Whatever is going on, is her problem and not yours to carry.

[Anonymous]

First, you don’t need to talk to your abuser so much. I would go lower contact.

Second, you have to just be comfortable with your own choices and not care what an actual abuser thinks.

Third, you can decide how much you want to push back versus just nod and smile. My mantra is “you can’t argue with crazy.” An actual abuser thinking they can provide parenting wisdom is truly ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP, you could be my sibling. You get to decide if you want to spend time around your mother and if you want an abusive person around your kids. You can't change her, but you can decide to spend much less time with her. If she asks why, tell her.

I know this isn't easy but it can make your life so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, so on this board there is a lot of criticism on the awkwardness of DCUM scripts. I'm not going to give you one because I don't know how you normally speak with your mother.

Script aside, here are a couple points:

(1) you need to enforce whatever you are requesting with a boundary. i.e., get clear in your mind what you are going to do when she continues to criticize. And regardless of how beautiful/sharp/perfect your words, your mother will criticize; she's spent a lifetime doing it.

(2) read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents. Your mom is seeing your parenting as somehow a reflection on her - she didn't do enough, she misses what she personally lacked. Something. Whatever is going on, is her problem and not yours to carry.

I will also note that your examples read like you are trying to get her approval and to understand what you are doing. This is the wrong approach; you are not a child who still needs her approval. Just continue to make the decisions for your children that you believe in. Don't expect that any particular language is okay.

Also I note that the posters after my comment use the word "abuse." This can be difficult to hear and it might be something hard to accept given all of the cultural issues surrounding your mom and how she was raised. But I think it's worth separating the culture and just looking at the behavior and deciding whether or not, it's okay. And you don't have to invite unkind or abusive behavior into your house.

[Anonymous]

Why are you talking with someone who abused you, so often, if at all? Also, you’re over sensitive and defensive- I’m not a parent and can say kids are expensive based on how I was raised and inflation. Why can’t you just agree without feeling she is educating you?

[Anonymous]

This Xer tells you to ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be my sibling. You get to decide if you want to spend time around your mother and if you want an abusive person around your kids. You can't change her, but you can decide to spend much less time with her. If she asks why, tell her.

I know this isn't easy but it can make your life so much better.

This and if/when you do talk to her, seriously limit what you're sharing about your kids. Just say they're fine and move to other topics. But less contact seems like the best solution for you both. Neither respects the other in the scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This Xer tells you to ignore her.

This one too. I go "gray rock" with my passive-aggressive / aggressive-aggressive MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, so on this board there is a lot of criticism on the awkwardness of DCUM scripts. I'm not going to give you one because I don't know how you normally speak with your mother.

Script aside, here are a couple points:

(1) you need to enforce whatever you are requesting with a boundary. i.e., get clear in your mind what you are going to do when she continues to criticize. And regardless of how beautiful/sharp/perfect your words, your mother will criticize; she's spent a lifetime doing it.

(2) read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents. Your mom is seeing your parenting as somehow a reflection on her - she didn't do enough, she misses what she personally lacked. Something. Whatever is going on, is her problem and not yours to carry.

I will also note that your examples read like you are trying to get her approval and to understand what you are doing. This is the wrong approach; you are not a child who still needs her approval. Just continue to make the decisions for your children that you believe in. Don't expect that any particular language is okay.

Also I note that the posters after my comment use the word "abuse." This can be difficult to hear and it might be something hard to accept given all of the cultural issues surrounding your mom and how she was raised. But I think it's worth separating the culture and just looking at the behavior and deciding whether or not, it's okay. And you don't have to invite unkind or abusive behavior into your house.

And you are trying to get her approval by getting her to see that your way is better. This is a doomed enterprise.

[Anonymous]

OP she's not going to stop and she's not going to change. The only thing you can change is your response. You can cut contact / reduce contact you can tell her outright what you just posted and say unless she can make some differences you don't want to see her as much. You can also just challenge her on every single point - and probably end up in a confrontation, but that seems pointless and exhausting.