Mother passive-aggressively criticizes my/millennial parenting - how can I respond?

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you simply say, “Mom, you raised your children. Now, I get to raise mine.”

[Anonymous]

When she sees the contrast with your parenting approaches, she feels shame over how she failed you. And as someone who obviously doesn't have the tools to deal with a big feeling like shame, she tries to turn you into the one who did something wrong.

But understanding why she's messed up doesn't make it any easier to be around her. Set those boundaries. You're doing great. Imagine if your mom did praise your parenting? Then you'd be worrying that you're doing it all wrong.

[Anonymous]

I don’t agree with how children are being raised. They shouldn’t get respect until they earn it. You don’t just get a trophy for showing up. You must earn it. Sparring the rod has ruined this generation. My generation was beaten. Then next generation had time outs. Now it’s a gentle conversation. IMO beating works best. Your children should fear you . I’m still terrified of mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t agree with how children are being raised. They shouldn’t get respect until they earn it. You don’t just get a trophy for showing up. You must earn it. Sparring the rod has ruined this generation. My generation was beaten. Then next generation had time outs. Now it’s a gentle conversation. IMO beating works best. Your children should fear you . I’m still terrified of mine.

My mom was raised as you suggested and she hated it. And she hated her parents. Her parents failed her. Her parents died alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t agree with how children are being raised. They shouldn’t get respect until they earn it. You don’t just get a trophy for showing up. You must earn it. Sparring the rod has ruined this generation. My generation was beaten. Then next generation had time outs. Now it’s a gentle conversation. IMO beating works best. Your children should fear you . I’m still terrified of mine.

Raise your own kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother by any measure is not a good one. She was verbally and physically abusive and emotionally neglectful. She was dutiful (made sure we were fed, had clean laundry, got to school) but treated us as annoyances and really couldn’t be bothered by our human-ness. She’s just not maternal. She’s also from a culture in which physical abuse of children is normalized, and one in which children should be “seen and not heard.”

Sometimes when we’re talking she’ll critique the intensiveness of modern parenting and ridicule parents who are patient with their children, focus on them, respect them etc. She derides this approach as soft and recently said “until very recently you were just responsible for making sure your children were fed and safe.” I said that indeed the landscape has changed and parenting has become a lot more intensive. I also noted that it’s become a lot more difficult in society to become successful and that this intensiveness is probably needed. Sue rebutted by saying that college admissions are down

It always feels like a thinly veiled criticism of my own parenting, as I am patient with my kids, allow them to have a voice, and am not punitive (as she was). She also manages to make this a racial issue - I am half-white, and she associates these “soft,” “ridiculous” parenting approaches as being entirely in the purview of white people.

She’ll also be very condescending to me about having kids, being a working mom, being a wife etc and speaks to me as though I have no personal experience in these realms (recent example: she said “kids are expensive!”’and I said “yes, I have three kids, I know.”)

I get very annoyed by these conversations and really need some advice on how to assertively shut them down.

Tell her to shut up and you are treating your children with the respect you always desired as a child. And that your children will need to tell you to shut up.

[Anonymous]

What is millennial parenting?

[Anonymous]

What culture is your mom from? Maybe she was just doing what’s typical in her culture for that time period?