When did you know your child was trans?

[Anonymous]

Raising a gender nonconforming 5 year old. He’s amab, and has had a strong preference for “girly” things for about 9 months. Wearing dresses, wanting to grow his hair out, Barbie themed birthday, princess obsessed. You get the picture. He’s always said he’s a boy until recently. Two weeks ago he randomly mentioned how he wishes he was a girl. Same thing today. In the meantime he’s been happy being a “brother” called a “boy, no issues with his very masculine name.

[Anonymous]

My child has been gender nonconforming since they were three. I know that people have no experience with this will Think that’s crazy, but it’s just the way it is. We have not influenced any of this and we just let our child be who they are. I will tell you we are now in puberty, and they have not identified themself as transgender at this point. Speaking with doctors for advice on how to best handle the emotional aspects of the whole situation, they told us that gender is a spectrum and not all kids who present as opposite of the gender they were born with will means that they will end up being transgender. I would just let your child be who they are for now and follow their lead. It’s a journey.

[Anonymous]

Coming back to say, I am not insinuating that There’s anything wrong with being transgender at all! It’s just that people seem to jump to that foregone conclusion, when a child does not present as “main stream”.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree! We try very hard at home to send the message that there aren’t boy toys or girl toys, just toys. Same with clothes and use inclusive language.

I’m so worried I’m going to miss something. My gut is that he is not trans, but is figuring himself out. Totally fine if he is, just obviously a more challenging road ahead for him.

I want to support him but don’t want to push him into a direction he’s not. Like him saying he wants to be a girl. Is he trans? Should we start social transitioning and let it play out? Do we continue to watch and wait? Rhetorical here, just stressful. I also worry about him being eaten alive in kindergarten. Kids can be cruel and he’s sensitive.

I appreciate the replies!

[Anonymous]

We have a friend that was a girl in K, but after that summer was trying out a boys name, in 1st they would have been called a tomboy by most outside of the family, by 2nd they were using the boy name, playing on the boy rec sports teams, and really came out of their shell. Once they were really to identify as a a boy he was so much happier. He is in middle school now and no one thinks twice about it. Granted he is not my child, but has made me look at these issues through a different lens. Most Kids in general (depending on where you live) are open to either transgender or non conforming kids.

[Anonymous]

After talking about short hair and hating skirts and dresses for years, child who was afab came out as NB and cut their hair short at 11 years and 3 months.

[Anonymous]

There’s a difference between gender non conforming and transgender. There’s a difference between wishing you were something and saying that you are that thing. You are supportive of your child regardless of how he/she/they ultimately identify. That’s great. Just let your child take the lead. It’s not your journey.

[Anonymous]

OP ask your child why they think they’re trans. What does it mean to them. Because nail polish and wearing clothing usually marketed to girls doesn’t make him trans. Talk to him about societal expectations vs how he feels and wants to dress. ( im the PP with a 10yo DD)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raising a gender nonconforming 5 year old. He’s amab, and has had a strong preference for “girly” things for about 9 months. Wearing dresses, wanting to grow his hair out, Barbie themed birthday, princess obsessed. You get the picture. He’s always said he’s a boy until recently. Two weeks ago he randomly mentioned how he wishes he was a girl. Same thing today. In the meantime he’s been happy being a “brother” called a “boy, no issues with his very masculine name.

Much of that sounds like classic childhood MTF dysphoria. You should ask them if they pray to god every night to wake up a girl. That’s not a uniform experience but extremely common with trans women when they were children. It’s what led me to realize that there is no god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ask your child why they think they’re trans. What does it mean to them. Because nail polish and wearing clothing usually marketed to girls doesn’t make him trans. Talk to him about societal expectations vs how he feels and wants to dress. ( im the PP with a 10yo DD)

OP's child doesn't think he's trans though. When my son was around 4 he liked princesses and dress up and watched Frozen a lot, and would pretend to be Anna. He also had mostly female friends. That was all fine with us, and we never discouraged it. He also said something along the lines of how he wanted to be a mommy when he grew up. We didn't intervene. Now he is 7 and he is very stereotypically boy. Kids change a lot and this could just be a phase. If it persists for another 5 years then that's a different conversation. Just let it go for now.

[Anonymous]

My child is non-binary. They came out to me when they were 11, but I remember thinking something like that from when they were very young. I have a boy who likes pink and has long hair and to me there is a big difference between that and somebody who is actually gender non-conforming.

But OP, I have heard that most people who are trans know from an extremely young age, even younger than five. That was a big surprise to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child has been gender nonconforming since they were three. I know that people have no experience with this will Think that’s crazy, but it’s just the way it is. We have not influenced any of this and we just let our child be who they are. I will tell you we are now in puberty, and they have not identified themself as transgender at this point. Speaking with doctors for advice on how to best handle the emotional aspects of the whole situation, they told us that gender is a spectrum and not all kids who present as opposite of the gender they were born with will means that they will end up being transgender. I would just let your child be who they are for now and follow their lead. It’s a journey.

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is non-binary. They came out to me when they were 11, but I remember thinking something like that from when they were very young. I have a boy who likes pink and has long hair and to me there is a big difference between that and somebody who is actually gender non-conforming.

But OP, I have heard that most people who are trans know from an extremely young age, even younger than five. That was a big surprise to me.

That was what was said in the WaPo articles that they have been profiling lately. Very interesting. Check out this weeks WaPo for all this info they compiled.

[Anonymous]

My afab NB kid was very gender conforming as a young kid. I was anti-pink until I had them, and they really showed me how to make peace with pink and enjoy it. Princesses, dresses and leggings, the whole girly deal.

That changed in late elementary school when being a gender conforming female started to have more of a sexuality component to it. My kid first came out as asexual and later NB, but both around 11. It was the beginning of “crushes” and “dating” and having to fit into hetero relationship norms that seemed to bring out my child’s discomfort and not wanting to be a part of any of that. They definitely feel much more at home and accepted in LGBTQIA communities and friend groups.

I don’t know what it all means and where it will go (kid is only 13) but letting them lead the way and define who they are has worked well for us. They identify as trans, and the grouping of NB trans with more binary identified trans confuses me sometimes, but I figure it’s not mine to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raising a gender nonconforming 5 year old. He’s amab, and has had a strong preference for “girly” things for about 9 months. Wearing dresses, wanting to grow his hair out, Barbie themed birthday, princess obsessed. You get the picture. He’s always said he’s a boy until recently. Two weeks ago he randomly mentioned how he wishes he was a girl. Same thing today. In the meantime he’s been happy being a “brother” called a “boy, no issues with his very masculine name.

I'm a binary trans woman who sometimes posts on DCUM and here's my take on it. I knew I wanted to be a girl from when I was five years old and maybe even younger but I don't have many memories before that. I didn't have the option of dressing as a girl and I was taught that it was wrong. I would sneak into my mom's room and try on her skirt and shoes like many cisgender girls would do but I was ashamed of it and took a mental image of how everything was arranged and put everything back just as it was. I would stick a ball in my shirt and imagine I was pregnant or two tennis balls and imagine I had breasts. I desperately wanted to be a girl and go through female puberty and live as a woman. I would see the brownies and girl scouts wearing their uniforms and be so envious. I wanted that so badly. Instead I was in cub scouts/boy scouts and I hated it. When I saw girls wearing dresses, I was so jealous.

As I got older, I became an expert at hiding my gender identity. We would watch movies on TV and I would fake laugh along with everyone else at something like Ace Ventura (the ending of that movie is disgusting sexual assault played off for laughs because she's trans). I would fantasize about being an adult. Not so I could go drive around and be free in the world or whatever most cis people imagine. I fantasized about renting an apartment for myself and just living on my own as a woman in private (while still presenting as a man in public) because I was ashamed of who I was and I also didn't realize transitioning was feasible (and in many ways it wasn't feasible for a lot of people until after the ACA passed).

So I'll say this, I knew I wanted to be a girl my whole life. I knew I wanted to be a woman as an adult. Eventually I transitioned. That doesn't mean that every kid that is gender nonconforming at five is transgender. Kids experiment with a lot of different things. They absolutely go through phases. My gender identity and desire to be the other gender was never a phase. It never wavered. It was with me from the beginning and never changed.

My advice is to be open to your child being a trans girl, nonbinary, gay, or some other queer identity. They may also identify as a cishet man. You won't know for some time. Just make it clear that you accept all LGBT people just as you accept all straight cisgender people. Don't push any ideas like being queer is shameful or make any assumptions that he is queer. Just try to help him have a happy and healthy childhood to look back on fondly. Wait for him to be old enough to tell you who he is. If he is queer, he will eventually come out to you. If you've told him while growing up that you accept queer people, he will probably come out sooner than later. If you reject queer identities, he will likely feel shame and remain closeted for way too long. He may also end up being a straight cis man. You'll get more signs one way or the other as he gets older but it's best to just not make any assumptions and wait for him to tell you who he is. Good luck.<3