Why does my mother think she knows better than medical staff?
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Anonymous
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It’s always something, this is just the latest example.
A decade ago my dad had replacement surgery on his knee. It was in-patient, it was performed manually (vs robotically), and his wound was closed with internal stitches and then staples and bandages that were replaced every other day by the at-home nurse until no longer needed. He just had the other knee replaced last week. It was out-patient, performed robotically, the wound closed with surgical-grade glue, and bandaged in the OR with a waterproof, semi-permanent silicone-type bandage that he would wear for a week. My mom immediately argued with the OR nurse about the glue, who assured her it’s safe and effective and added that only the most archaic doctors close up with staples anymore, and in fact no other surgeons in that hospital use them anymore. She argued that he didn’t need muscle relaxers, even when told why they were beneficial. When his bandage was finally removed, she sent pics and called to tell me that the wound looks like it could pop open at any moment and to tell me that basically she thinks the doctor is a quack, and the nurse who said the wound is healing perfectly must be, too. She is like this about EVERYTHING. From major medical things to minor things like pumping gas or getting groceries. It’s insufferable. I don’t know how to respond to her when she thinks she knows better than everyone about everything. Help! |
Anonymous
| Just sic her on the medical personnel. We are used to dealing with this. |
Anonymous
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My mom was like this. sometimes her tenaciousness pays off when advocating for my dad's care with doctors and nurses, other times it doesn't. She just didn't known when to stop arguing and accept that in certain areas, newer technologies have evolved beyond her comprehension.
As long as she's not actively harming anyone, I'd just nod along and change the topic. |
Anonymous
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I was there and was red in the face embarrassed the whole time! |
Anonymous
| She is just remembering how it went last time and thinking that is the only way. Cut her some slack OP she is old and trying her best. |
Anonymous
| LOL, we have one of the in our family and we call here Dr. MIL |
Anonymous
| As an old person I can verify that most of us do know better than almost everyone younger than us, even medical personnel. I took a poll. One day it will be you! |
Anonymous
| Um, OP, maybe you don't realize, but your mom hasn't only watched ALL the seasons of Grey's Anatomy, but also ALL the seasons of ER. She's basically a doctor, minus the formalities. Give her the respect she deserves. |
Anonymous
Lol |
Anonymous
lol then why bother even going to see a medical provider 
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Anonymous
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She’s anxious and wants to feel in control. That doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it explains it. The doctors and nurses and medical professionals will handle it as they are used to it.
She feels thrown for a double loop that not only is this happening, but the life experience she gained earlier doesn’t apply anymore, so she can’t even draw from it for reassurance or familiarity. That’s kind of jarring. Do your best to remain calm, reiterate what the medical team is saying, and be the one to pass on any questions about next steps if you can. |
Anonymous
| My mom is like this AND I'm an RN. It's frustrating and embarrassing and a pp was spot on about not knowing when to stop arguing when trying to advocate. As medical professional, we know it stems from anxiety and while it's frustrating, it is something we are used to dealing with. I usually try to be there with my mom so I can re explain things. |
Anonymous
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As a doc this used to bug me, but I was young and impatient. Now I recognize the abject terror people feel in the machine of the medical system, and as the RN above said, that the behavior is about anxiety and the need to control. It's human. Also sometimes the family member is right, and I've learned to listen if I have the gift of that time.
What I don't tolerate is disrespect. Anxiety and advocacy is one thing. Being an @sshole is another, and we get those folks too. I will always hear someone out but when they venture into insults or abuse I introduce them to my favorite 6'1 security guard show them the door. To survive in this job you need both kindness and boundaries. And sometimes the 6'1 guy. |
Anonymous
For the drugs, obviously. |
Anonymous
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I have a former friend like this. It's amazing that someone who's barely been to college knows more than medical staff, airline pilots, chefs, meterorologists, professional mechanics, and so on.
The likely diagnosis is superego. And there's nothing to be done. They always know better than everyone. |