Why does the silent treatment hurt so much?

[Anonymous]

My husband does this to me regularly. Any small thing I say that he doesn't like will lead to this treatment for days on end. The last thing that happened was when, in front of my kids and their friends, he made a comment about not going to my nephew's wedding because "I don't want to watch two dudes get married".

To be clear, we didn't go to his wedding because it was on a cruise and was lasting 5 days and we couldn't afford it. Otherwise I would have gone to my nephew's wedding. But I said "That was rude, and was NOT why we didn't go" when he made his remark that he thought was so funny. He made a nasty comment to me, left the room, and hasn't spoken to me since. But he will talk to the kids (they are teens), and anyone else that is around. Any time I attempt to talk he ignores me completely. I just got back from an important appointment (not medical), and he hasn't asked me anything about it. I told my adult daughter something about what happened at the appointment, and he purposely walked out of the room and won't engage at all.

I find myself feeling humiliated, embarassed, hurt, etc., but I don't think I did anything wrong. But the feelings come nonetheless. I feel small.

Although my kids are older, I know they don't understand this dynamic that is happening to me because he talks to them a lot, goes out for coffee with them, etc., while I'm sitting here feeling like a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

[Anonymous]

He’s an avoidant. It’s a classic anxious/avoidant dynamic and the more he ignores you the worse you spiral inside. He’s also A real piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Why are you staying? Seriously question. You feel like a piece of $hit because you’re being treated like one. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. He needs to punish you because you challenged him. Being seen and acknowledged are basic human needs. He’s decided to deny you that.

Again, why haven’t you told him you’re done being treated like this. You deserve so much more, OP.

[Anonymous]

You’re staying with an abusive and homophobic man why, exactly? Your kids won’t thank you for it.

[Anonymous]

Because it is dehumanizing.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't care about you. I'm sorry, but people who care don't do this for days on end. I get needing an hour or two to cool off/process a fight. But when you hold silence for longer, it's a power play. I would start saving money and get a job if you don't have one.

[Anonymous]

He treats you terribly and doesn't respect you or your family (he doesn't "want to watch two dudes get married" - grow TF up). Your kids are older, so they do recognize what he's doing to you and you're teaching them that it's ok. Do you want your daughter's husband to treat her this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you staying? Seriously question. You feel like a piece of $hit because you’re being treated like one. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. He needs to punish you because you challenged him. Being seen and acknowledged are basic human needs. He’s decided to deny you that.

Again, why haven’t you told him you’re done being treated like this. You deserve so much more, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He treats you terribly and doesn't respect you or your family (he doesn't "want to watch two dudes get married" - grow TF up). Your kids are older, so they do recognize what he's doing to you and you're teaching them that it's ok. Do you want your daughter's husband to treat her this way?

See that’s the thing. The kids don’t seem to be aware at all except for my oldest daughter. But they love him
Because he is nicer to them and because the way he treats me is so subtle and hidden . And if I react to disgusting things he says or does then he acts like me being angry or upset is the problem . And then it’s basically “look at mom she’s angry” and then I am somehow the wrong one.

It just all sucks. Really really sucks

[Anonymous]

Your kids are not dumb. Yes, they may love him because he is their father, but they will get older and either repeat the cycle of abuse and/or wonder why you allowed him to treat you that way and allowed them to grow up in that environment.

[Anonymous]

This is no way to live. I think therapy could be helpful for you. Hoping someone chimes in with a similar pattern of abuse and how therapy helped.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to F off. He’s not talking to you anyway. Or just ignore him indefinitely. Build your life without him, without any expectation that the two of you will interact again. Move to the guest room.

Honestly, why bother with this clown? He’s not a husband or partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to F off. He’s not talking to you anyway. Or just ignore him indefinitely. Build your life without him, without any expectation that the two of you will interact again. Move to the guest room.

Honestly, why bother with this clown? He’s not a husband or partner.

I bother and have taken this shit for so long because I don’t think it’s who he really is and I know he loves. People he works with love him . So it makes it very confusing to know what to do

[Anonymous]

When you do something that deserves withdrawal of his attention, he withdraws his attention.

Cause and effect.

Real question is why it’s so hard for you to learn to stop doing the things that cause him to withdraw his attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He treats you terribly and doesn't respect you or your family (he doesn't "want to watch two dudes get married" - grow TF up). Your kids are older, so they do recognize what he's doing to you and you're teaching them that it's ok. Do you want your daughter's husband to treat her this way?

See that’s the thing. The kids don’t seem to be aware at all except for my oldest daughter. But they love him
Because he is nicer to them and because the way he treats me is so subtle and hidden . And if I react to disgusting things he says or does then he acts like me being angry or upset is the problem . And then it’s basically “look at mom she’s angry” and then I am somehow the wrong one.

It just all sucks. Really really sucks

If you think your kids don’t know, you’re delirious. And also…SO WHAT??? Someone is treating you like crap and you’re worried how it will look to the kids. You can respond in the calmest voice possible with: “Your refusal to speak to me for days is abusive. I deserve better than that. You can be upset and mad about something between us. What you can’t do is give me the silent treatment for days on end. You can choose to stop, get help to stop, or end this marriage. Those are the choices I can live with. What I cannot live with is your continued abusive and disrespectful behavior towards me.”