Why is my mother like this?

[Anonymous]

I think maybe if I know what’s going on in her head, I’ll better understand how to respond to her.

Latest example:

A couple years ago my mom fell and broke her wrist. She had to have surgery including screws. She HATES physical therapy and thinks it’s a useless waste of money. She will go one time (which she did with her wrist) and then reject going again, and will then try to duplicate the exercises herself until she gives up. With her wrist, she quite obviously never regained complete mobility again, and even has pain because a screw has shifted. She also refuses to have surgery to remedy that, and so she just complains about pain and limited of range of motion.

An acquaintance of hers similarly broke her own wrist and stayed the course, and it’s like nothing ever happened. It drives my mother insane that this women is almost 10 years older than her and had such vastly different results. When pointed out that she refused physical therapy and surgery to correct the screw, she balks and complains about how life treats her.

What is this? Is it anxiety? Is it something else? Any references to videos online on how to deal with a parent like this?

[Anonymous]

Stubbornness? The older they get the worse it is. My mom is the same exact way she is also an narcissist, alcoholic. Fun times. I've been backing off, grey stone, it works for me.

[Anonymous]

Some people don't believe anything can help health if it doesn't come from a doctor. So they wouldn't believe a PT, a registered dietician, a podiatrist, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe if I know what’s going on in her head, I’ll better understand how to respond to her.

Latest example:

A couple years ago my mom fell and broke her wrist. She had to have surgery including screws. She HATES physical therapy and thinks it’s a useless waste of money. She will go one time (which she did with her wrist) and then reject going again, and will then try to duplicate the exercises herself until she gives up. With her wrist, she quite obviously never regained complete mobility again, and even has pain because a screw has shifted. She also refuses to have surgery to remedy that, and so she just complains about pain and limited of range of motion.

An acquaintance of hers similarly broke her own wrist and stayed the course, and it’s like nothing ever happened. It drives my mother insane that this women is almost 10 years older than her and had such vastly different results. When pointed out that she refused physical therapy and surgery to correct the screw, she balks and complains about how life treats her.

What is this? Is it anxiety? Is it something else? Any references to videos online on how to deal with a parent like this?

Don’t respond. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

I know on the surface it looks as if your mother's outcome is entirely self-inflicted, but every medical situation is different. So don't say "I told you so" too often, as you can see, it doesn't have the desired effect anyway. Just stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

She thinks she's not treated with respect. One of many things people do to deflect responsibilities on others.
Refuse to be told what to do. She can't just accept responsibility and accept what happened to her happened. Spending too much time reacting to it. You go no where with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people don't believe anything can help health if it doesn't come from a doctor. So they wouldn't believe a PT, a registered dietician, a podiatrist, etc.

And some people don't believe anything that comes from a doctor. Just nod, smile wanly and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

My mother is similar. Thinks that everything that happens is a personal slight on her event though she inflicts these things on herself. For example, she will go to a fast-casual restaurant, change every single thing about the item she orders, they screw up the order and she acts like she is the only one who this happens to. Maybe order things as they are trained to make them!

Or she will call a contractor once and then they wont call her back. She gets mad that the work still isn't done. Maybe follow up with them??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe if I know what’s going on in her head, I’ll better understand how to respond to her.

Latest example:

A couple years ago my mom fell and broke her wrist. She had to have surgery including screws. She HATES physical therapy and thinks it’s a useless waste of money. She will go one time (which she did with her wrist) and then reject going again, and will then try to duplicate the exercises herself until she gives up. With her wrist, she quite obviously never regained complete mobility again, and even has pain because a screw has shifted. She also refuses to have surgery to remedy that, and so she just complains about pain and limited of range of motion.

An acquaintance of hers similarly broke her own wrist and stayed the course, and it’s like nothing ever happened. It drives my mother insane that this women is almost 10 years older than her and had such vastly different results. When pointed out that she refused physical therapy and surgery to correct the screw, she balks and complains about how life treats her.

What is this? Is it anxiety? Is it something else? Any references to videos online on how to deal with a parent like this?

Maybe instead of trying to figure out why she keeps doing the same thing that she always does, try to figure out why you do? Why are you pointing out that she refused physical therapy, etc. etc. You know she's not going to say, "You know, OP, you're right." If she complains about pain and limited range of motion, just agree that must be difficult (it must be, right?) and don't play into the why's and wherefore's. It doesn't help. Learn to tune her out more.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this with a variety of things, both physical and social/emotional. It irks her that other people maintain a lower weight, have loving marriages, go on great vacations, etc. She is a perpetual victim and everything is done to her. She can’t do anything unless all conditions are perfect and when they aren’t perfect it’s never her fault. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She won’t plan a vacation - she won’t offer any input when asked - but then she will pout about not having a vacation or the vacation not being what she wanted. In my mom’s case, she would never admit to not completing PT. She would say: the steps were too icy to leave the house, it was raining, she got lost driving there, she doesn’t feel comfortable driving there because there is a highway, the parking lot was too busy for her, the receptionist was rude to her, the PT didn’t listen to her (excuses or actually asked her to try harder), their hours were not convenient, and on and on. It’s never HER fault.

The truth is she’d rather be miserable and blame / alienate everyone around her than take responsibility for her choices, make an effort, and potentially fail. I have no idea what would happen to her mentally if she tried her best and failed at something and didn’t have anyone or anything to blame. I don’t think she’s ever taken responsibility for anything, ever, even a burnt meal. It was the oven or the recipe’s fault - not hers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this with a variety of things, both physical and social/emotional. It irks her that other people maintain a lower weight, have loving marriages, go on great vacations, etc. She is a perpetual victim and everything is done to her. She can’t do anything unless all conditions are perfect and when they aren’t perfect it’s never her fault. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She won’t plan a vacation - she won’t offer any input when asked - but then she will pout about not having a vacation or the vacation not being what she wanted. In my mom’s case, she would never admit to not completing PT. She would say: the steps were too icy to leave the house, it was raining, she got lost driving there, she doesn’t feel comfortable driving there because there is a highway, the parking lot was too busy for her, the receptionist was rude to her, the PT didn’t listen to her (excuses or actually asked her to try harder), their hours were not convenient, and on and on. It’s never HER fault.

The truth is she’d rather be miserable and blame / alienate everyone around her than take responsibility for her choices, make an effort, and potentially fail. I have no idea what would happen to her mentally if she tried her best and failed at something and didn’t have anyone or anything to blame. I don’t think she’s ever taken responsibility for anything, ever, even a burnt meal. It was the oven or the recipe’s fault - not hers!

As to why she is like this? She met my dad when she was 14 and married him at 18. She’s been married to him 50+ years. She taught junior high for 30+ years with a bunch of catty, gossipy women. I am convinced she is emotionally a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this with a variety of things, both physical and social/emotional. It irks her that other people maintain a lower weight, have loving marriages, go on great vacations, etc. She is a perpetual victim and everything is done to her. She can’t do anything unless all conditions are perfect and when they aren’t perfect it’s never her fault. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She won’t plan a vacation - she won’t offer any input when asked - but then she will pout about not having a vacation or the vacation not being what she wanted. In my mom’s case, she would never admit to not completing PT. She would say: the steps were too icy to leave the house, it was raining, she got lost driving there, she doesn’t feel comfortable driving there because there is a highway, the parking lot was too busy for her, the receptionist was rude to her, the PT didn’t listen to her (excuses or actually asked her to try harder), their hours were not convenient, and on and on. It’s never HER fault.

The truth is she’d rather be miserable and blame / alienate everyone around her than take responsibility for her choices, make an effort, and potentially fail. I have no idea what would happen to her mentally if she tried her best and failed at something and didn’t have anyone or anything to blame. I don’t think she’s ever taken responsibility for anything, ever, even a burnt meal. It was the oven or the recipe’s fault - not hers!

As to why she is like this? She met my dad when she was 14 and married him at 18. She’s been married to him 50+ years. She taught junior high for 30+ years with a bunch of catty, gossipy women. I am convinced she is emotionally a teenager.

Wow, PP, this is OP and this sounds exactly like my mother. Right down to being married at 18 (and still being married) to the vacations (or lack there of.) It is exhausting. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s nice to commiserate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people don't believe anything can help health if it doesn't come from a doctor. So they wouldn't believe a PT, a registered dietician, a podiatrist, etc.

Not to mention that dieticians, physical therapists, podiatrists, etc. create actionable plans for their patients. Which many people, like OP's mom, are resistant to do - too much work, too painful, and so on. They's rather get in a loop of "other people have it so easy" or whatever gets them through the day.

[Anonymous]

Victim mentality. Cheer her on when she tries any of the suggestions, but don't enable when she quits. Don't get sucked into the quicksand of her endless complaints. Been there done that. Learn to detach with love. If she wants to self destruct by ignoring doctor's orders and feeling sorry for herself it is her choice. You do you and take care of yourself. Love her, but don't be so enmeshed it makes you miserable. Accept that this is who she is. Try to find topics of conversation where you can enjoy her company.

[Anonymous]

It's her personality and it's not for you to fix or change her. If you can find a way to tolerate her quirks that's great. If not, minimize contact or at least minimize opportunities for complaining conversations. Maybe you could work on not letting it bother you so much.