Bereavement and Grief

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else struggling with the deaths of loved ones, or irreparable loss? Traumas that can't be "fixed" no matter what? Then maybe this is the thread for you. Tonight I am coming to terms with the loss and devastation and death that has filled my life and carved out pieces of my soul.

The people in my life dismiss me unintentionally with their toxic positivity and their clear discomfort with the depth of my emotion. Let's not do that here. You don't have to make the negativity go away. F*** that. Those of us who have seen death are beyond that rubbish. Hopefully this can be a thread where mourners can share a quiet virtual beer and relate to each other.

I'll start. I have barely survived a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. My failures also haunt me. And I couldn't fully accept the death of my boyfriend (3 years ago) until this weekend. He was my hope for a better life. Grief for him made me crazy. I literally convinced myself at some point that Jesus would resurrect my boyfriend from the dead. (Please do NOT tell me I'll meet someone new. I don't want to hear that right now.)

You're next. Here's a virtual drink of your choice.

[Anonymous]

I'm right here with you, except for the drinking and the Jesus resurrection. I can say frankly that one of the hardest aspects of mourning for my lost child is the constant thoughts of my child returning somehow, some way. I think this is a stage of mourning that we all have to live with. Don't punish yourself and you are not crazy. Joan Didion wrote that she couldn't give away her husband's shoes for a year because he was going to come back and need them.

Peace for you.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of you both, and Yes to the “Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion.

I too recently have entered the grief club in a more intense and intimate way than I have before in life. It has made me realize how bad we are as a society at being able
to hold space for one another. I feel guilty at the lack of
care I was able to hold for others in the past due to not “knowing”. A few close friends and family have made all the difference to me in what has been my first week. One sent lunch without asking more than “will you be home on this day”. Another sent a heartfelt card and cake. Another showed up with a potted plant. While this all may sound material, they were tangible and useful reminders of being held by my community. They were acknowledging that I was numb and staring into space. Another friend has just texted daily and let me say all the things. Others who know, good friends and acquaintances….are clearly where I was before. They want to be thoughtful but don’t know how or what to say. They expressed their immediate condolences and then moved on to asking me about mundane things or trying to distract me. I know they are well intentioned.

[Anonymous]

OP here - hugs to you both. I heard of Didion a few times but never really showed interest before...too wrapped up in what I was going through. I think the time might be right for me to read her book now.

Accepting reality as it is...it's a heartbreaking process. I also agree that we never really stop grieving, and it's a relief to take that pressure off of myself.

It's okay that grief made me full-on crazy, and that frankly I'm still grief-crazed. It's okay.

[Anonymous]

grief feels like I am physically dying, even though there is no direct threat to my health. It's scary and lonely tbh.

[Anonymous]

This is me. Someone say something kind, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me. Someone say something kind, please.

The only thing I have heard that made sense was that grief was the price of love. You would not feel it (grief) had you not loved deeply and that love will remain in your heart forever. Your grief will fade but the love will stay.

Hugs to you, PP.

[Anonymous]

OP and others: thank you for sharing your grief and connecting with others who can feel empathy for you.
I was my mother’s care partner (new name for caregiver) until she died of cancer. It was a very sad cancer battle lost, I was a brand new mother, and I was overwhelmed with grief. I used to clear out the seat next to me on a couch or the bed, imagining that her spirit would need it cleared away so she could sit next to me!
I needed her. And I have found ways to stay connected to her through tangible items, writing stories, noticing things that she would like (like buying a purple flowering plant, to keep something of her liking around).
I hope you can find comforting connections, despite the grief of the absence.
I have buried many other loved ones, including my grandparents and a niece; and for each one: it is important to me to do more than keep their memory alive. I want a thing on this earth that will be connected to them.
I don’t mean to sound preachy. I’m just sharing my no-longer fresh grief story.
Hugs to all of the posters here. This is hard, and not everyone understands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me. Someone say something kind, please.

The only thing I have heard that made sense was that grief was the price of love. You would not feel it (grief) had you not loved deeply and that love will remain in your heart forever. Your grief will fade but the love will stay.

Hugs to you, PP.

Weeping. Thank you. Thanks to the other PP too.

[Anonymous]

I see you, I hear you, and I appreciate you making this thread.

[Anonymous]

My birthday is coming up- how do I have a “birthday” when my father is not around anymore?
The grief is real.

[Anonymous]

OP are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I think this would be a strong step in the right direction for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My birthday is coming up- how do I have a “birthday” when my father is not around anymore?
The grief is real.

What would be a good thing to say to a person like you? Do you want this acknowledged?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this thread. No one understands how it feels. IYKYK. I cared for my best friend, my Mom until she passed away in my arms when I was 29 and a Mom of a toddler. She passed away in my house and I had to move after that. Just when I was recovering, out of left field, my only little brother jumped to his death. This was right before the pandemic. Then, the pandemic hit. That was a special kind of crazy. I had a therapist and I just kind of teetered between automatic and suicide ideation. I finally emerged from the depth of that in 2022. I felt like I came out from underwater and everything was in color again. But, I still suffer sometimes from just heart-wrenching grief. My Dad is the only biological family member left and he travels throughout most of the year so I never see him. I am so lonely it hurts sometimes. Physically hurts. There is no one to care for me, no one to listen to me, no one to relate to or who knows much about my life before marriage. Man, it is rough. Somedays I still think about an end but most days I try and find something positive or go hiking. That and birdwatching has helped.

Alone and in a cocoon. ( Swallows a shot) Next.

[Anonymous]

I lost my dear mother in 2020 during the pandemic, but not due to Covid. She was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and after a brief but mighty 3 month fight, she passed peacefully while I was in the shower and my dad was asleep. My sister was on her way to tag-in.

I didn’t realize how I did not deal with this loss and grief as we rallied to make sure Dad was okay. 57 years of marriage and he was devastated. Last fall, Dad had surgery to repair an aneurysm. He was succumbed to complications following surgery and died with me by his side at the hospital.

Last month, my sister passed away unexpectedly.

I grieve my mother when my father died, and am still in shock over my sister’s death. Some days I can barely breathe. Other days, I chug along fine until I see something that reminds me of one of them, or think “Oh I need to call Dad to ask him about my HVAC system” or some other such thing. I am drowning in my sadness. I can’t believe I am the only one left of my family of origin.