When teens are no longer interested in close grandparent relationships?

[Anonymous]

DH isn’t close with his mom. Our kids aren’t “close” with her either, but they have an established relationship. They are all older elementary/tween aged now and grudgingly visit with her alone about once a month. She’s not the most maternal person and never has been, and as she/they are getting older, she’s more and more judgmental of not only the kids for basic kid things, but of everything. It’s gotten to the point where even DH has said that pretty soon, it’s going to be up to the kids to decide if they even want a relationship if she can’t stifle herself. It rolls off our DS’ backs, but some of the comments bother DD.

With summer approaching she’s begging them to come and spend a week with her. (My DD actually told me she’d never forgive me if I send them for that long.) She wants to take them to Disney World (we wouldn’t allow it even if MIL was perfect, because we don’t trust her judgment as far as medical care in an emergency is concerned.)

So I’m curious, if you’ve experienced similar with your tweens, how did you work these relationships? Like I said, DH isn’t close, so he’s not open to vacation with her at all, not happy about frequent visits, etc. MIL craves 1:1 time with them. They no longer love it, but oblige. But I can tell we are on borrowed time. So how do you move forward in this situation with teenagers? My kids aren’t sporty so there aren’t a lot of sports-related/busy excuses.

[Anonymous]

It's okay if she experiences the consequences of her treatment of others!

Why are you trying so hard, when nobody around you is making an effort, including your MIL? You can't fix this.

[Anonymous]

In these circumstances, I would leave it up to them. Have some standard family holidays that they can’t opt out of and then leave the rest of them.

My GM and I hung out all the time when I was a teen. I think your issue is less that they are teens and more that she’s not nice.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a horrible grandmother she only really likes babies and toddlers.

As the kids grew she never tried to develop relationships.

She has no interest. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a horrible grandmother she only really likes babies and toddlers.

As the kids grew she never tried to develop relationships.

She has no interest. Sad.

Maybe it was difficult for her to deal with the older age groups.

[Anonymous]

They’re busy. Let them decide how much time they want to spend with her. Once a month? Once a quarter?

After they decide, you and DH need to run interference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a horrible grandmother she only really likes babies and toddlers.

As the kids grew she never tried to develop relationships.

She has no interest. Sad.

Had to look at the date to see if I wrote this.

[Anonymous]

Wait you won’t send them because you don’t trust grandma’s judgment in the event of a medical emergency at Disney World, for teens??? That’s just wild. Teens spend full years as exchange students abroad. If they don’t want to go, fine, but that’s a terrible reason.

[Anonymous]

My MIL never tried to have a relationhip ith any of her grandchildren. he found children to be a nuience but she was completely an enabler in the addiction of my BIL and his subsequent divorce.

She never wanted to spend any time with her grandkids because she was very afraid that she would be used for babysitting by her sons and DILs. She is a little simple minded and so she happily chirped it to me after I had my firstborn. I only handed the babies to her for photo ops like she wanted. My SIL would not give her child to her because MIL adviced her to "dose" the baby with opium to get her to sleep. My SIL suspected that her husband became an addict because of her childrearing ideas.

My parents on the other hand helped all their children (sons and daughters) in raising the grandkids. As a result, their grandkids ranging from teens to 30s love them and have a relationship with them.

You actually reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

I never understand posts like this. You and your DH dislike her to the point that you don’t visit and have a close relationship yourselves. You send the kids alone, even though they don’t like it and you don’t trust her. Why are you doing that? You’d rather make someone you don’t like and don’t want to be around happy than your own children. I’ll never understand. It would be different if you value family time and you and DH were spending the same amount of time with her, but you’re just dumping it all on your kids because they can’t say no, or it doesn’t matter to you if they say no. Kids should be heard. You’re not teaching them to value family members who love them, you’re teaching them that kids don’t have autonomy and that they have to put up with loads of crap from elders out of a misguided sense of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand posts like this. You and your DH dislike her to the point that you don’t visit and have a close relationship yourselves. You send the kids alone, even though they don’t like it and you don’t trust her. Why are you doing that? You’d rather make someone you don’t like and don’t want to be around happy than your own children. I’ll never understand. It would be different if you value family time and you and DH were spending the same amount of time with her, but you’re just dumping it all on your kids because they can’t say no, or it doesn’t matter to you if they say no. Kids should be heard. You’re not teaching them to value family members who love them, you’re teaching them that kids don’t have autonomy and that they have to put up with loads of crap from elders out of a misguided sense of respect.

I actually agree with this. A lot on here in past posts feel that even if their parents were awful they should try to create a bond with the grandkids. I get it. It's a healing fantasy-hoping somehow kids will help create and better and more loving extended family. It doesn't work. Maybe when they are extra cute babies there is the illusion of a functional family, but doesn't last.

She is mean to your teens and they don't want to see her. Support that in the same way you support them distancing from a friend turned frenemy or a poor choice in dating partner. Just because she is family doesn't make it OK. Support them in distancing. If she is really bad, no need for the forced family holiday either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understand posts like this. You and your DH dislike her to the point that you don’t visit and have a close relationship yourselves. You send the kids alone, even though they don’t like it and you don’t trust her. Why are you doing that? You’d rather make someone you don’t like and don’t want to be around happy than your own children. I’ll never understand. It would be different if you value family time and you and DH were spending the same amount of time with her, but you’re just dumping it all on your kids because they can’t say no, or it doesn’t matter to you if they say no. Kids should be heard. You’re not teaching them to value family members who love them, you’re teaching them that kids don’t have autonomy and that they have to put up with loads of crap from elders out of a misguided sense of respect.

I actually agree with this. A lot on here in past posts feel that even if their parents were awful they should try to create a bond with the grandkids. I get it. It's a healing fantasy-hoping somehow kids will help create and better and more loving extended family. It doesn't work. Maybe when they are extra cute babies there is the illusion of a functional family, but doesn't last.

She is mean to your teens and they don't want to see her. Support that in the same way you support them distancing from a friend turned frenemy or a poor choice in dating partner. Just because she is family doesn't make it OK. Support them in distancing. If she is really bad, no need for the forced family holiday either.

It would be one thing if the kids enjoyed spending time with her and you/DH didn't. It's okay for kids to have their own relationships with grandparents. But here, she's not nice to the kids, they don't enjoy spending time with her, and neither do you or your husband. What's the point in forcing this? Just say that it won't work for you.

[Anonymous]

You don't like nor trust this woman, your DH is ambivalent at best, and the kids don't like her.

Why is this even up for discussion? Find something else to fret about.

[Anonymous]

My kids were never interested in socializing with my mother - she's always been critical and apt to say awkward or downright wildly cringy stuff. I have NEVER force them to stay with her. That would be psychological abuse (ex: she started calling my daughter fat when she was 2).

They loved being with my father for a while, but now he's in decline, they don't find it as fun, so I encourage them to communicate with him to keep his spirits up.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the issue is that your kids are growing out of a relationship with their grandma. The issue is that they're getting old enough to realize how annoying and judgmental Grandma is and don't want to be around that negativity.

Do the kind thing and have your husband tell his mother the kids will not be staying with her for a week, nor will she be taking them to Disney. Figure out what WILL work for your immediate family and offer up that. "Julie won't be able to do Disney or stay with you for a week but she can stay over from Friday to Sunday one weekend." Then let Grandma deal with her own feelings - she's a grown woman and her feelings are not yours to manaage.