What is most helpful to say to someone with a serious medical diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

I have my own serious medical diagnosis and well meaning people will say "Oh I know someone with (fill in blank with serious illness) who is doing really great" (even though prognosis is not good.) Anyone with a serious diagnosis reads all about it and we know there are miracle cases and people who defy the odds and we read about every treatment option. We already know there are people who somehow defy the odds, but we also have to be realistic.

I realize I am guilty of this knee jerk reaction too in the past. I think in our own anxiety we want to make the person feel better and also soothe our worry. Now that I am on the other side I can recognize the caring behind the statement, but at the same time it feels like the person is minimizing things. I was trying to think of what I have found helpful in part so I don't ever make someone else feel diminished. I think it's maybe helpful to say "I am sorry to hear that. How are you doing with all this?" What have others found helpful? Do others find it frustrating when well meaning people are quick to say something as drastic as "Oh yeah, I knew someone with stage 4 cancer who is still alive and well and running marathons 40 years later!" (I don't have stage 4 cancer, but one person in a support group I am in got this statement and it stuck with me because she was crying saying how she felt she was being gaslit for struggling with her diagnosis.)

[Anonymous]

"I am so sorry this is happening to you".

Keep the focus on the person experiencing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I have my own serious medical diagnosis and well meaning people will say "Oh I know someone with (fill in blank with serious illness) who is doing really great" (even though prognosis is not good.) Anyone with a serious diagnosis reads all about it and we know there are miracle cases and people who defy the odds and we read about every treatment option. We already know there are people who somehow defy the odds, but we also have to be realistic.

I realize I am guilty of this knee jerk reaction too in the past. I think in our own anxiety we want to make the person feel better and also soothe our worry. Now that I am on the other side I can recognize the caring behind the statement, but at the same time it feels like the person is minimizing things. I was trying to think of what I have found helpful in part so I don't ever make someone else feel diminished. I think it's maybe helpful to say "I am sorry to hear that. How are you doing with all this?" What have others found helpful? Do others find it frustrating when well meaning people are quick to say something as drastic as "Oh yeah, I knew someone with stage 4 cancer who is still alive and well and running marathons 40 years later!" (I don't have stage 4 cancer, but one person in a support group I am in got this statement and it stuck with me because she was crying saying how she felt she was being gaslit for struggling with her diagnosis.)

I really struggle with this, too.

I think the problem with asking someone how they're doing with it is that they may not want to tell you how they're doing. They're probably really struggling, and may just not feel up for either telling you the truth - or for giving you the "oh, fine" line either.

I don't know what the right thing to say is, but I guess I would say try not to force them to do any emotional labor while talking to them. Or their loved ones. (I've had people do this to me, when I was dealing with my parent's health issues - try to force me to take on their distress, or make me talk about it endlessly.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I am so sorry this is happening to you".

Keep the focus on the person experiencing it.

+1,000

This is it. No need to read further.

Show compassion and empathy. Don't be dismissive ("I'm sure you'll be fine!") or fixit ("Just take ____and you'll get better.").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I am so sorry this is happening to you".

Keep the focus on the person experiencing it.

+1,000

This is it. No need to read further.

Show compassion and empathy. Don't be dismissive ("I'm sure you'll be fine!") or fixit ("Just take ____and you'll get better.").

Agree. and make sure the response is about them and not you. Do not revert to your own experience, your own anxieties. Offer support and concern and keep focus on them. Sick people tend to be pretty self-absorbed in general, for good reasons, and really notice when you make it about you.

[Anonymous]

Is there a way I can be helpful?

Offer to check in on them

In a light way ask "tell me what not to say"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I am so sorry this is happening to you".

Keep the focus on the person experiencing it.

+1,000

This is it. No need to read further.

Show compassion and empathy. Don't be dismissive ("I'm sure you'll be fine!") or fixit ("Just take ____and you'll get better.").

Agree. and make sure the response is about them and not you. Do not revert to your own experience, your own anxieties. Offer support and concern and keep focus on them. Sick people tend to be pretty self-absorbed in general, for good reasons, and really notice when you make it about you.

Also agree, second the PP who said to ask if there is anything you can do to help.

OP, I have not dealt with this for a life-threatening situation, but processing a dire prognosis involves coming to terms with all the possible outcomes. I agree that assurances of favorable outcomes, while well-intentioned, are invalidating and t feel as though the person making the statement does not understand the situation.

[Anonymous]

I've had a life altering diagnosis (not life threatening, but very much permanently life altering) and for those like me who aren't facing impending death, I suggest you remove the words "at least you...." from your response.

[Anonymous]

When I was in the thick of cancer treatment and surgeries, and had a kid in elementary school, the very best things I heard, by far, were words like this:
-let us just pick up Emma for school this semester, we can swing by at 7:45 each morning
-we're going to the WaterMine on Saturday, how about we pick up Mason for the day? We'll get pizza for lunch
-I'm going to Giant this morning, does Logan need a 2 qt container for his scout project? I'll grab some extra
And make the pick ups and drop offs quick - please don't come in my house. If I can chat, I'll meet you at the door and invite you in
Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in the thick of cancer treatment and surgeries, and had a kid in elementary school, the very best things I heard, by far, were words like this:
-let us just pick up Emma for school this semester, we can swing by at 7:45 each morning
-we're going to the WaterMine on Saturday, how about we pick up Mason for the day? We'll get pizza for lunch
-I'm going to Giant this morning, does Logan need a 2 qt container for his scout project? I'll grab some extra
And make the pick ups and drop offs quick - please don't come in my house. If I can chat, I'll meet you at the door and invite you in
Thank you!

Oh Lord, this times a million. When I was going through cancer treatment, my DS was in elementary school. Friends in the neighborhood were helpful with dropping off dinners, but my biggest concern was always my child. I didn't want cancer to affect his life at all. I would see friends on FB doing playdates with the kids or trips to different events that we couldn't attend and sometimes I would cry because I just wanted my kid to be in that mix. It was so hard.

If I was supporting a friend with a new diagnosis, I would be sure to say how sorry I am that he/she is going through this and then offer specific things I'd be happy to help with. I'd text when I'm going to the grocery store or Target and say something casual like, what can I grab for you? If they have children, I'd reach out with specific events that I can include their child in and then make sure to take and send photos, grab souveniers, take out for ice cream after, etc.

Medical crises can be so isolating and although people mean well when they say "let me know if you need anything", it's really just a throw away comment that puts the onus on the person who is sick to respond.

[Anonymous]

Do not tell them to be positive.
Let them feel what they feel.

Fear is normal in that circumstance but our society really prefers a “brave, chipper” cancer patient.

Not helpful at all!!

[Anonymous]

I have cancer and one thing I don't want to hear is advice like "maybe you should try a short hair style".

[Anonymous]

After you have offered sympathy. After you have offered to help. And helped if you could. There is the chance that the person will want the gift of normalcy.

[Anonymous]

Growing old is overrated.

[Anonymous]

I find the best responses I have had to people finding out I have a life limiting condition is this - I'm really sorry to hear it.

That's all I need. I don't want advice and I definitely don't want those stories about miracle recoveries / simple surgeries from which people bounced back as if nothing happened. Those are actually infuriating.