How to keep it together for kids while going through serious anxiety/grief (family loss related)

[Anonymous]

Any advice please, I am trying to keep it together emotionally for my kids while I am experiencing the serious and potentially terminal illness of a sibling who is in the hospital. I also have anxiety which is a big part of the issue (it is severe, I take daily medication). I feel like I am not there for my kids. Even though they are older teens, one of them needs a lot of support due to emotional health issues. They are aware of what is going on and they are supportive with words, hugs, etc. but I can't focus on helping them. Any ideas or advice if you have gone through the same. I have been to therapy and will start again as soon as I can schedule it.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any real advice, as I haven't gone through this, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and the very fact that you're asking this questions shows that you're a great parent. Your kids will be ok. This is life, and it's not a bad thing for them to see you not keeping it together emotionally sometimes. That is what life looks like sometimes, and as long as you recover and move forward in the months/years ahead, they will learn a lot from you. Focus on yourself right now; they will be fine. Then you can focus on them again when you're ready. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

An aunt or uncle?? I think this is more about your mental condition, and they are mirroring that. I know you said you suffer mood disorders, but try to keep it together around your kids and tell them it's going to be ok. Try not to make them feel it's a crisis worthy of melting down. Even if you're in pain.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to talk to your kids about how you’re struggling. They’re older teens, you don’t need to get I to lots of details or depend on them etc, but you can tell them: you know your aunt/uncle is very sick with x. I’m very worried about them because I love them, etc and it’s super hard. Then ask them how they feel too. Good luck and yes, get yourself to therapy.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay for them to have to handle things a bit. You think it damaged me when I made tea for my mom when she was sick? Or when I folded laundry and took in the mail? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to talk to your kids about how you’re struggling. They’re older teens, you don’t need to get I to lots of details or depend on them etc, but you can tell them: you know your aunt/uncle is very sick with x. I’m very worried about them because I love them, etc and it’s super hard. Then ask them how they feel too. Good luck and yes, get yourself to therapy.

I totally agree with this advice. They are teens and at that age, parents can generally have more honest conversations with kids. You can tell them how you're feeling, that you're worried, feeling sad, etc. It's good to be open with your kids about these kinds of things. I get that you probably want to protect them, but I'm betting they already sense that you're worried and stressed. Kids know a lot more than we think they do. Take care of yourself - I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to talk to your kids about how you’re struggling. They’re older teens, you don’t need to get I to lots of details or depend on them etc, but you can tell them: you know your aunt/uncle is very sick with x. I’m very worried about them because I love them, etc and it’s super hard. Then ask them how they feel too. Good luck and yes, get yourself to therapy.

I totally agree with this advice. They are teens and at that age, parents can generally have more honest conversations with kids. You can tell them how you're feeling, that you're worried, feeling sad, etc. It's good to be open with your kids about these kinds of things. I get that you probably want to protect them, but I'm betting they already sense that you're worried and stressed. Kids know a lot more than we think they do. Take care of yourself - I'm sorry you're going through this.

This. Also reassure your child that you are working hard to be healthy, will be ok/will not die soon, you love them, etc. You all will take care of eachtoher, are strong, etc.

btdt with a sibling, although my kids were younger.

[Anonymous]

These experiences help kids and teens learn they can navigate hard things. You want to show them healthy coping, but that doesn’t mean life moves along as normal. You do what you can, only what is absolutely necessary. Strip things down.

This is a good time for your emotionally dependent child to find some other outlets and coping strategies too.

[Anonymous]

I realize your anxiety is exacerbating this so I would find help for that asap. Honestly your kids and your ill sibling do not need you to breakdown. I have cancer and my sister totally lost it - so incredibly unproductive for me and my kids and her husband and kids. You owe it to everyone to push forward, help as you can, and care for your own children. Have a mantra to keep it together. That's the gift you can give your sibling.

Sorry for harsh words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize your anxiety is exacerbating this so I would find help for that asap. Honestly your kids and your ill sibling do not need you to breakdown. I have cancer and my sister totally lost it - so incredibly unproductive for me and my kids and her husband and kids. You owe it to everyone to push forward, help as you can, and care for your own children. Have a mantra to keep it together. That's the gift you can give your sibling.

Sorry for harsh words.

I think this is true - take action to help your sibling's familiy and visit your sibling but try not to model wallowing. If you need to, ask for medication to help you through this tough time. When I was going through a similarly tough time, I got this advice from my kid's therapist. I also took meds for a year to stabilize my moods so I could be there for everyone who needed me.

This is a terrible time, and I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize your anxiety is exacerbating this so I would find help for that asap. Honestly your kids and your ill sibling do not need you to breakdown. I have cancer and my sister totally lost it - so incredibly unproductive for me and my kids and her husband and kids. You owe it to everyone to push forward, help as you can, and care for your own children. Have a mantra to keep it together. That's the gift you can give your sibling.

Sorry for harsh words.

There's no way you can know this. The only one you can speak about is yourself. Unless her husband and kids said to you direclty while you were sick "mom/wife is incredibly unproductive about her thoughts about your illness." Besides, everyone wants different things. I'm sorry that wasn't helpful for you though.

OP, give yourself some grace. Judging yourself will only exacerbate it. Find ways to take care of yourself, while not stuffing your emotions away: journal, walk, meditate. Explain to your kids that it's a hard time for you now. Can you plan Friday pizza nights or similar that give you time to look forward to and be focused on them.

[Anonymous]

Schedule it. Schedule your grief. You're going to grieve from 4:30 - 5:30pm (or whatever). And that's also the time to look at related emails/texts/return someone calls where they might mention it. Everything relate.

Not 4:30 yet? It's not time to worry about that now. I'll worry about it at 4:30p. No reason to tell others your plan. You will need to have alone-time scheduled and it needs to be the same time every day.

Eventually you know you're getting better when the time has passed. And you forgot to worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Schedule it. Schedule your grief. You're going to grieve from 4:30 - 5:30pm (or whatever). And that's also the time to look at related emails/texts/return someone calls where they might mention it. Everything relate.

Not 4:30 yet? It's not time to worry about that now. I'll worry about it at 4:30p. No reason to tell others your plan. You will need to have alone-time scheduled and it needs to be the same time every day.

Eventually you know you're getting better when the time has passed. And you forgot to worry.

+1

[Anonymous]

Someone I deeply love became fatally ill in 2021. It completely took over my thinking. I could not work or parent and it was a lot year. I don’t even know what I did for that year. I barely left my house and barely got kids to school often without lunches. I think they felt really abandoned and they basically were. I’m better now but between COVID and that year it’s like three years of my life just vanished.

[Anonymous]

^lost not lot