Elderly parents hate each other

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their late 70s, and they can't stand each other. They currently live in a 4000 square ft house and claim they can't leave it mostly because they don't want to downsize into senior living and lose their space.

I wonder if living in a senior community - dad has major mobility issues and mom's losing her memory - would be better for them because of all the other people around. Now, it's largely just the two of them in a big house.

Any thoughts or experience?

[Anonymous]

What is their cognitive state and financial situation?

[Anonymous]

How do they live in this large house? Do they inhabit separate areas? If yes, then moving to a senior community may be complicated. If they are in the same small apartment/room after years of coexisting in different rooms in the same home, then that might be volatile. And to live in separate rooms at the same time can be cost prohibitive for some folks.

Moving to a memory care unit in a senior community was great for our mom. She needed the socialization, even if she sat to the side during activities and only offered opinions on what they were doing. "Gladys, you've used a lot of blue there. You may want to go with a new color." The staff was great - nothing but positive things to say about them.

My dad had already passed away when my mom moved to the community, so we were only carrying the cost for one room. How much it would run, if necessary, for your parents to be in separate rooms would be determined by the level of care each one needed as well as the location of the senior community. Findlay, OH is much less than Bethesda, MD.

[Anonymous]

Yes a senior community will be better. But they made need more care than you realize, which gets very expensive very fast.

But does any of that matter if they don't want to move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do they live in this large house? Do they inhabit separate areas? If yes, then moving to a senior community may be complicated. If they are in the same small apartment/room after years of coexisting in different rooms in the same home, then that might be volatile. And to live in separate rooms at the same time can be cost prohibitive for some folks.

Moving to a memory care unit in a senior community was great for our mom. She needed the socialization, even if she sat to the side during activities and only offered opinions on what they were doing. "Gladys, you've used a lot of blue there. You may want to go with a new color." The staff was great - nothing but positive things to say about them.

My dad had already passed away when my mom moved to the community, so we were only carrying the cost for one room. How much it would run, if necessary, for your parents to be in separate rooms would be determined by the level of care each one needed as well as the location of the senior community. Findlay, OH is much less than Bethesda, MD.

This. They don't want to give up their physical space, and they can't afford as much space in assisted living as they woudl need to be able to tolerate each other. They don't want to divorce for financial reasons and because neither is comfortable living alone. Even someone who totally hates your guts will call 911 when you fall down, and God forbid but there may come a day when that matters a great deal.

[Anonymous]

It probably would be better for them, but not if they have to share a small space. If you move only one of them, that might that person better off, leaving the other person living alone. They might potentially be happier, but also less safe-- having two people really makes a difference in an emergency and in making good choices. And of course paying for assisted living and keeping the house at the same time will be quite expensive in total.

Ask yourself if there are reasons they're not telling you. Like are they drinking more than an assisted living place will allow? Smoking? Any other thing that wouldn't be allowed? Is their financial situation as good as you think it is? There are LOTS of reasons they might be avoiding the move in order to conceal things from you. Sorry to be so paranoid but I've learned the hard way.

[Anonymous]

I visited a nursing home in Ohio where people lived two to a room. The administrator told me that many married couples split up and got different roommates (the same gender as them) because they couldn't stand their spouses.

[Anonymous]

How are there finances? Have you looked into assisted living for them?

[Anonymous]

If they don’t want to, you won’t be able to move them to a better situation while it’s still just the better option.

Instead, try to prepare for the inevitable crisis. Gather as much financial and insurance information as you can. Have a list of their doctors. Have the number of good rehab hospitals and nursing care facilities. That kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

They can move into two separate rooms in the same place. Of course it's $$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is their cognitive state and financial situation?

Dad sharp as ever but can barely walk

Mom always a bit nutty and critical, but getting worse with memory issues, too

net worth $2million

[Anonymous]

I agree the dream is move to a more appropriate senior setting and live a apart, but $2 million may not be enough to find what they want long terms at least in this area since neither is near passing away. If Dad is cognitively sharp and wants to stay put then you may need to let him make his own dangerous choices. Does mom pass the dementia screen?

You can suggest other options where they live together at AL. You can also make it clear that you won't always be available for emergencies given your own life circumstances and other concern you have.

There are a lot in the older generation who's own parents went to residential places and they didn't visit the parents enough to even know what aging looked like. They could bury their head in the sand because the place dealt with falls, food, emergencies. Now they are too special to move somewhere appropriate.

***Warning, blunt and TMI about deaths from staying put.... Among my friends who also have stubborn parents...I am seeing quite a few parents die from stuff that could have been avoided if they moved like: falling down the steps, slipping on ice in their driveway, breaking a hip and then never coming out of anesthesia, burning down the house, and bashing head on new fancy kitchen counter during a fall and then hitting head again on new fancy kitchen floor only to be found days later. The thing everyone got out of therapy is...they all died on their own terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree the dream is move to a more appropriate senior setting and live a apart, but $2 million may not be enough to find what they want long terms at least in this area since neither is near passing away. If Dad is cognitively sharp and wants to stay put then you may need to let him make his own dangerous choices. Does mom pass the dementia screen?

You can suggest other options where they live together at AL. You can also make it clear that you won't always be available for emergencies given your own life circumstances and other concern you have.

There are a lot in the older generation who's own parents went to residential places and they didn't visit the parents enough to even know what aging looked like. They could bury their head in the sand because the place dealt with falls, food, emergencies. Now they are too special to move somewhere appropriate.

***Warning, blunt and TMI about deaths from staying put.... Among my friends who also have stubborn parents...I am seeing quite a few parents die from stuff that could have been avoided if they moved like: falling down the steps, slipping on ice in their driveway, breaking a hip and then never coming out of anesthesia, burning down the house, and bashing head on new fancy kitchen counter during a fall and then hitting head again on new fancy kitchen floor only to be found days later. The thing everyone got out of therapy is...they all died on their own terms.

This is exactly what I am worried about for my dad: he's on blood thinners for heart issues and is very unsteady on his feet. Refuses to modify his bathroom or home and is one slip away from death or rehab facility. He is too big for me or my mom to care for him physically. What a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree the dream is move to a more appropriate senior setting and live a apart, but $2 million may not be enough to find what they want long terms at least in this area since neither is near passing away. If Dad is cognitively sharp and wants to stay put then you may need to let him make his own dangerous choices. Does mom pass the dementia screen?

You can suggest other options where they live together at AL. You can also make it clear that you won't always be available for emergencies given your own life circumstances and other concern you have.

There are a lot in the older generation who's own parents went to residential places and they didn't visit the parents enough to even know what aging looked like. They could bury their head in the sand because the place dealt with falls, food, emergencies. Now they are too special to move somewhere appropriate.

***Warning, blunt and TMI about deaths from staying put.... Among my friends who also have stubborn parents...I am seeing quite a few parents die from stuff that could have been avoided if they moved like: falling down the steps, slipping on ice in their driveway, breaking a hip and then never coming out of anesthesia, burning down the house, and bashing head on new fancy kitchen counter during a fall and then hitting head again on new fancy kitchen floor only to be found days later. The thing everyone got out of therapy is...they all died on their own terms.

This is exactly what I am worried about for my dad: he's on blood thinners for heart issues and is very unsteady on his feet. Refuses to modify his bathroom or home and is one slip away from death or rehab facility. He is too big for me or my mom to care for him physically. What a mess.

It's a horror show, but they get to make their own choices until they are deemed incompetent, just don't let them bring you down with the ship. A little tip if he falls...you don't want to risk further injury to him and if he is big, you don't want to injure yourself. Call 911 and explain. They will send a fire truck and EMTs in ambulance. The EMT is trained to assess injury level to figure out safest way to get him up and they can assess if he needs to be admitted to hospital. You can even request that they not use the siren. If he needs to go to hospital, you have an ambulance there and people trained to carry him safely. Once he is admitted you let the social worker know how unsafe the situation is. They will not release someone to an unsafe situation. They will try to put the burden on you, but you turn it back on them.

[Anonymous]

One more thing...re"them hating eachother. Been there. My parents always had a volatile marriage, but dad's illness made mom lose it and become just awful. You try to offer options...dad goes to the community center during the day to do some activity he enjoys or mom does, senior day programs, etc. You can talk to the council on aging for ideas or whatever. You could try to get a geriatric social worker to helo them. Then if they throw out every idea and refuse, you have to detach and let them hate eachother. It is not your job to solve their marital problems. I learned that the hard way. Mom used to threaten to murder dad. Now she visits his grave daily. Some people are just dysfunctional and once again, don't let them bring you down with the ship.