Discovered 14 y/o son is smoking weed

[Anonymous]

DS was acting unusual so I decided to do a spot check of his phone and sure enough, I discovered he has been smoking weed via cartridge a few times over the past month. We discovered he was vaping last year (8th grade) but the phase passed and he ultimately said it wasn’t worth it and said it was "stupid"

DH is furious and is taking the approach of “if you choose this life, we choose to not support you “no longer paying for private school after this year, basketball training, etc. I had a really healthy conversation with DS today and he has remorse and assures me this is not an addiction. DS has ADHD so this is going to be something he has to be very careful with.

From a parenting standpoint, we know we cannot control him but have to figure out reasonable consequences. We took his phone and we’re deciding what our next steps should. We are having ongoing discussions on the risks and trying to minimize the social influences where this occurs most often. Wondering if anyone has words of wisdom? TIA

[Anonymous]

I don't have a teen. But I know for certain the pothead kids from high school is the same group from which the hard core drug addicts emerged in college. I'm talking crack, injecting opiates, failing out of college, their car + TV missing because had to give it to the dealer, and renting out apartment to a pimp for cash or meeting dealer at gas station to use merchandise to buy drugs kind of kids. Of course these days, those kids would've probably died of fentanyl. Your kid should rethink what group he wants to associate with now.

[Anonymous]

well this is not helpful for OP.

[Anonymous]

I think the most important thing is to figure out your line in the sand. You are delusional to think that everything is fine because he’s remorseful- he’s remorseful that he got caught, not that he did it, and he’ll either be brazen or he’ll become an amazing liar in the future. Your DH is delusional because threatening to take everything isn’t likely something you’d do so you’ll be backpedaling and he’ll never believe you again when you threaten. It’s a process and better decided in calmer times. Consequences don’t need to be immediate for teens.

Things to think about are when you will be requiring chaperones, not allowing driving (I know he’s 14 but it will come fast and he might have friends that drive), allowance (my money will not be spent on drugs), etc.

I’m a BTDT mom who has sent her kid to residential treatment due to MH and drug issues. It took calm thinking but we have agreed on our lines and everyone is on the same page. And remember, lots of kids try things and don’t end up ruining their lives and don’t need hospitalization.

[Anonymous]

My freshman daughter isn’t smoking pot but many of her friends do and it seems much more pervasive now that it’s legal in most states - there seems to be less drinking though than when we were young.

I’d identify if there is a heavy pot culture at his school, it’s just his friend circle, or if it’s him seeking out that with new friendships that are into that.

They are so heavily influenced by peers that I’d consider a school move, if it’s more pervasive or his social circle. If it’s just him, changing his influence by keeping him busier with sports or restricting access to certain friends could work.

[Anonymous]

14 is way, way too young. He risks permanently affecting his brain-I’m no puritan but 14 is not ok for this and I would approach it like the highly risky behavior it is. I would go at home drug tests routinely with very specific plan for if a test is positive.

[Anonymous]

He isn’t in a position to judge if it is an addiction, OP. Or to single handedly stop it from becoming one.

[Anonymous]

Drug test him since he won't be honest with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My freshman daughter isn’t smoking pot but many of her friends do and it seems much more pervasive now that it’s legal in most states - there seems to be less drinking though than when we were young.

I’d identify if there is a heavy pot culture at his school, it’s just his friend circle, or if it’s him seeking out that with new friendships that are into that.

They are so heavily influenced by peers that I’d consider a school move, if it’s more pervasive or his social circle. If it’s just him, changing his influence by keeping him busier with sports or restricting access to certain friends could work.

It's not legal in most states LOL

And it's not legal for anyone under 21 in any state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a teen. But I know for certain the pothead kids from high school is the same group from which the hard core drug addicts emerged in college. I'm talking crack, injecting opiates, failing out of college, their car + TV missing because had to give it to the dealer, and renting out apartment to a pimp for cash or meeting dealer at gas station to use merchandise to buy drugs kind of kids. Of course these days, those kids would've probably died of fentanyl. Your kid should rethink what group he wants to associate with now.

I do have a teen and I think this is still relevant. The kids who started young ended up exactly like you thought they would. It's very different to start vaping in 8th grade vs junior year.

I would actually support your DHs scorched earth policy. This is two years of the same behavior - ask yourself where he goes from here without a major shift.

[Anonymous]

OP

Your DH response of pulling the kid from Private is absurd.

Calm down. Reframe the way you talk to your son. Your DH made some huge mistakes at the moment.

1. Is it the school that is the problem? Ie a friend group? If you think that, changing schools is not going to change anything. If they want it they find it.
2. If you want to switch him out of private do it for better reasons. This has nothing to do with private vs public. Why is your kid at a private? Is this the best academic place for them? Are they thriving academically why would you mess with that? Both private & public have drugs they want it they find it.
3. Do your research to find out better ways to talk to your kid.
4. You need to do better knowing where your kid is outside of school.
5. 14 is young for this. That means the friend group is not good. Take a hard look at those friends. Not blaming them but something is off here. You are missing something not like they can drive so how in the world did your 14-year-old get his stuff?

[Anonymous]

How did grabbing his phone help you figure it out?

[Anonymous]

I went into snapchat and went to deleted items

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a teen. But I know for certain the pothead kids from high school is the same group from which the hard core drug addicts emerged in college. I'm talking crack, injecting opiates, failing out of college, their car + TV missing because had to give it to the dealer, and renting out apartment to a pimp for cash or meeting dealer at gas station to use merchandise to buy drugs kind of kids. Of course these days, those kids would've probably died of fentanyl. Your kid should rethink what group he wants to associate with now.

You are very dramatic and unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

You need to get him away from his other pothead friends.