Burnt out parent volunteers
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Anonymous
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I do a fair amount of parent volunteering (scout leadership, sports coach, some school volunteering, but not PTA-level). Pre-COVID, I felt like I could manage it all much better. Now I feel like I am failing at all my volunteer activities and just burnt out. It takes me days to respond to emails and texts. I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum, and I feel guilty about it. Other organizations are asking for help (church, more school stuff), and I feel like I just don’t have the bandwidth, but I feel like I jerk for saying that.
I talk to some of the other moms in my organizations, and I know they feel the same way: we just can’t do it at the level we did before. What is happening to me (us)? Why do we feel this way? |
Anonymous
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No one else wants to participate in these volunteer activities- which puts a lot more work and responsibilities on the people that are willing to do it.
My advice: just stop. No one will miss all your hard work. The world will keep turning. So what you want and what you can reasonably handle, but don’t feel guilty about not taking on more. You are putting way more value on these activities than they are worth. |
Anonymous
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I felt the same way last year, OP. I just felt like I was coming apart at the seams. I was doing PTA stuff, activity stuff, and neighborhood stuff. I decided this year to do none of it. Just for a year. It's been amazing. And I've learned two things:
(1) It's okay for different people to do the legwork at different times. It's okay to take a break. Sometimes I feel guilty about not doing more this year, but I remind myself that I've done a lot in the past. I'm not freeloading, I'm taking a break. It's okay to take a break. (2) Some of that stuff really is make work and it's okay if it doesn't happen. Like there is one event that I used to run for the PTA and this year we didn't do it because I told them I couldn't do it and no one else wanted to take it on. And you know what, it was fine. I don't even think it's going to impact year end fundraising totals. So I might not do ever again, and it's honestly a huge relief. I think PTAs and volunteer orgs can make some shifts to require less of parents, fewer volunteer hours, fewer random activities. We can streamline and do less, but try to do the things we continue to do as well as possible, and also as efficiently as possible. Everyone is tired. So many people are burnt out. This year has been such a gift and it was one that was desperately needed after the Covid years. I want it for everyone. So my recommendation is: just stop. Take some time off. Get back into a good place and then see what you really want to do. I'm looking forward to getting back into some of this next year. But it will be less than I did before. I'm going to say no more often. |
Anonymous
Could it be because you got used to a less stressful way of life during COVID and don't want to return to the old way, with so many obligations? My kids are older, so I don't have as many opportunities to volunteer for their activities, but I still do some work in the community. However, to some extent, and especially when it comes to kids' activities, I am working to come to terms with where I stand following the pandemic. Before COVID, I loved giving my time to volunteer organizations, even though it made my life stressful. It was a source of pride and made me happy. Since COVID, I have felt empty. I never volunteered so that I would get something in return. But my motivation was based on a world view of interconnectedness and a moral purpose in using my privilege (especially flexible work hours) to serve others. Now, I can't get myself to feel that same "we are all in it together spirit." Personally, due to my family's experience, I'm depleted so volunteering feels more like an unwelcome demand and not something I look forward to. |
Anonymous
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I only volunteer for stuff I actually want to do or realize needs done. So I’ve agreed to take on a role in the extracurricular my kid adores as it needs done and she loves that activity and I like the people involved in it.
DH agreed to step up and get involved in one of my son’s activities - more active than he’d like I think but way less than some other parents do for it. Aside from occassional chaperoning of stuff I’m decidedly not volunteering to get more involved in that one. |
Anonymous
| There is a lot of mission-creep. You don’t actually need to have 10 fundraisers, elaborate receptions, etc. |
Anonymous
This, so much this. I am doing the same things as before, or even less in some cases, but the sense of community that made volunteering rewarding and enjoyable, even when it was stressful, is gone. |
Anonymous
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A lot of this volunteering is make work that was created by stay at home moms to make them feel useful. And a lot of it roots back to years when sahms had more household help.
Just stop doing it unless you feel you get something back that’s worth the time. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
| Think back to your elementary school years. How many bingo nights/restaurant nights/carnivals etc did they have? 3 a year? Now it's 3 a month. It's too much. |
Anonymous
This. Its all part of this "performative parenting/parenting as a competitive sport" phenomenon. |
Anonymous
| I said no more after 3 years as assistant troop leader for GS. Now I help at Church and volunteer at my kids school when I can. I’m not in charge of anything though. I’m on the PTA big don’t attend the meeting because 7pm twice a month is too much when I’m usually driving at that time. I sign up for stuff during the day though, like tomorrow we’re doing a Valentines snack and drink cart for teachers. I didn’t set it up and organize it but im happy to go for 2 hours and hand out snacks as I’m not working tomorrow. Now I’ve dialed back I feel much better for it.. |
Anonymous
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One thing that has helped me is to choose my volunteer commitments carefully. Your time is valuable, just like your money, so spend it wisely.
The other is to block out time to do these things. So I organize activity X on Tuesday evenings 8-9 pm or M-W-F for 20 minutes right after dinner, or whatever. And then I do my best to not think about it or deal with it outside of those times. But yes, I agree, everyone is burnt out and it is best just to streamline or downsize a lot of parent volunteer work. A lot of events work just fine if you leave out some details that were a lot of work for little return. |
Anonymous
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I lead a volunteer group (not kid-related) and was getting burned out to the point where I was ready to quit. I really enjoyed the work but the amount was stressing me out and I was judging myself negatively.
I brought it up in a group meeting, said I was feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. Turns out a few other people were feeling overwhelmed as well and everyone was sympathetic. The group agreed to meet less frequently, to stop taking on so much, and to break for two months in the summer. I ended up feeling really supported and not so alone in my feelings. I'm learning to say no to some requests and to give myself more time. I also learned to quit judging myself. Its taken a little time and focus to feeling better, but its working. Maybe drop a few activities and focus on the ones you value more. And set your emotional health as a priority. Feeling burned out isn't a good way to live. |
Anonymous
| Just tell them no. It's fine. It's normal for school parents to be motivated for a few years and then phase out, and that's okay. Make room for new people to step up. Every year of school brings in a new class of preschool and K parents, all dumb and psyched. Let them deal with it. |