Support for children of neurodivergent parents

[Anonymous]

After many years of therapy, I have recently come to the realization that one or both of my parents may be on the autism spectrum. It seems from other sections of this forum that diagnoses in adulthood, and perhaps support for spouses and minor children are becoming more available.

Does anyone know of resources for adult children of parents with autism? I am really struggling to process how some of the emotional neglect and abusive behaviors/volatility, while having empathy bag it was likely beyond their capacity to identify (much less address) for the sake of their child. I’m also an only child so don’t really have anyone I know personally who could understand.

[Anonymous]

While having empathy that*

[Anonymous]

Individual therapy has been helpful for me. I understand.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wonder if you might be able to find resources or a community through here: https://autismsociety.org/

They seem to have a helpline resource, and local networks.

Individual therapy has been what I have needed to cope with the effects of my parent's approach to raising me. I think that the challenge of finding ways to accept that your parents did the best they could is very common. It isn't just autism, but also mental illness, or many other things that might cause people to do terribly harmful things in the course of parenting.

So there are lots of us out here who could understand the fundamental goal and challenge, even if our specifics are different.

Good luck finding your way through it. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Read up on it, glad you ID’s it. Only do therapy with an asd/NT specialist. Also know it’s highly genetic so watch for it in your kids and get help when needed.

Tony Attwood.
Dr Sasha cohen
K marshack
M Sutton

There are books on Amazon too.

[Anonymous]

Have either of your parents actually been diagnosed with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have either of your parents actually been diagnosed with anything?

No diagnoses- would be near impossible for either of them to agree to testing. But there are a few things that have pointed me in this direction, for example 1) my teachers (starting in middle school) would sometimes ask me to explain to my mother why requests she made of them or certain actions were not socially appropriate, 2) sometimes when I describe events from my childhood to therapists, they describe one of my parents as acting narcissistic or cruel- but I think it often stemmed from a well-intentioned but very black-and-white/rigid way of thinking. It’s hard to explain to my therapist that the intention was almost innocent, rather than the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Thanks also to all the posters so far… your replies have been really helpful and I appreciate them.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Have either of your parents actually been diagnosed with anything? [/quote]

No diagnoses- would be near impossible for either of them to agree to testing. But there are a few things that have pointed me in this direction, for example 1) my teachers (starting in middle school) would sometimes ask me to explain to my mother why requests she made of them or certain actions were not socially appropriate, 2) sometimes when I describe events from my childhood to therapists, they describe one of my parents as acting narcissistic or cruel- but I think it often stemmed from a well-intentioned but very black-and-white/rigid way of thinking. It’s hard to explain to my therapist that the intention was almost innocent, rather than the opposite.[/quote]
So, it is entirely possible that your parents are just bad people. They probably aren't autistic. They may or may not have some personality disorder, again unlikely. You really need to stop trying to assign them a diagnosis that they do not have in order to explain away whatever issues you have with them.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Have either of your parents actually been diagnosed with anything? [/quote]

No diagnoses- would be near impossible for either of them to agree to testing. But there are a few things that have pointed me in this direction, for example 1) my teachers (starting in middle school) would sometimes ask me to explain to my mother why requests she made of them or certain actions were not socially appropriate, 2) sometimes when I describe events from my childhood to therapists, they describe one of my parents as acting narcissistic or cruel- but I think it often stemmed from a well-intentioned but very black-and-white/rigid way of thinking. It’s hard to explain to my therapist that the intention was almost innocent, rather than the opposite.[/quote]
So, it is entirely possible that your parents are just bad people. They probably aren't autistic. They may or may not have some personality disorder, again unlikely. You really need to stop trying to assign them a diagnosis that they do not have in order to explain away whatever issues you have with them. [/quote]

OP here- So what exactly would you recommend to literally any person whose parents may suffer from a personality disorder or other clinical diagnosis that might help to explain their behavior? Or to someone whose parents never actually admitted to have a substance use disorder? The point here is not to pathologize or to "explain away", but rather to identify a framework that is helpful in making sense of lived experiences- particularly in private contexts like therapy where one can explore these issues.

And sure, maybe my parents are not autistic. But learning more about the diagnosis would help to rule it out.

[Anonymous]

There are also some websites (most longer active) devoted to adult children of parents with autism. I seem to recall a few out of the UK. Although they aren't active anymore, I found the archived information very usual.

For what it's worth, just to give you food for thought, once I realized that my mother was likely autistic, it felt like finally finding the missing puzzle piece. For me, it has been really freeing to understand how much of my upbringing was about my mother trying to the best of her very low limit/ability rather than it being about me and something I had done or was.

To be clear, it's still difficult to deal with her and it's getting much worse with age. But understanding has changed the way I approach her.

[Anonymous]

Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a great read.

[Anonymous]

PP, Meant “Adult Children of …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a great read.

This book helped me so much with my parents-different issues. I gave up trying to have an actual real relationship and focused on being relational-just trying to be in the person's life without any expectation of a deep emotional connection. It also helped me with boundaries.= and not feeling so hurt. At times reading it I was freaked out wondering if the author knew my mother and had been watching our situation. LOL! Made me feel less alone.

Many of us struggle with parents who can't be what we want and some can cross the line into abusive behavior whether it's due to mental illness, neuro-divergence, personality issues or whatever. It's important to accept we cannot change them or force them to get help. Keep expectations low, learn to detach and stay calm, figure out your boundaries and try to find the right level of interaction where you can keep things peaceful. I used to be obsessed with empathizing with anyone in my family who treated me or others poorly and I don't think that was healthy. It can be helpful to try to understand why they are the way they are from brain wiring to multigenerational dysfunction, but I think when I had too much empathy I allowed too much poor behavior into my life and it was damaging for my kids. find the sweet spot of comfortable interaction. Figure out the safe topics and safe activities. Figure out what brings out their best behavior. Get the need for parental stuff-nurturing or whatever met elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After many years of therapy, I have recently come to the realization that one or both of my parents may be on the autism spectrum. It seems from other sections of this forum that diagnoses in adulthood, and perhaps support for spouses and minor children are becoming more available.

Does anyone know of resources for adult children of parents with autism? I am really struggling to process how some of the emotional neglect and abusive behaviors/volatility, while having empathy bag it was likely beyond their capacity to identify (much less address) for the sake of their child. I’m also an only child so don’t really have anyone I know personally who could understand.

Many ASD therapists and specialists across the county can do zoom session with you here in the dmv.
Check out Kathy marshacks website and books. Her mother was on the spectrum but she only figured it all out after her spouse was diagnosed.