Independent Living w/ Supports?

[Anonymous]

Help! In a tough spot. Elderly (87) long widowed mom had Covid late Dec. Mild case but she developed? anxiety and depression and vacillates between both. Panic attacks give way to hopelessness and ruminating and spiraling that lead to her being exhausted. Disrupted sleep with self reported nightmares.

Multiple medical issues and is frail to fragile. Been throughly checked out by specialists and geriatrician. Diagnosis now is Long Covid and she needs rest. Prescribed Remeron to take at night. Ativan for break through panic attacks. Awaiting test results before she starts SSRI. Complains she’s too anxious to eat very much.

Prior to Covid, was fiercely independent and active. Loved living alone.

We were told that it will take up to 2 weeks for Remeron to take effect. We’re on day 4.

She was feeling better last week and together we made an appointment at a senior independent living place. She later canceled and said moving into independent living would mean she’d still be alone and she rather be alone in her house. Now I’m not so sure she can live independently.

Refuses all offers to stay with me (I’m one hour away), yet her doctor told me today that she can’t be alone tonight. My SIL and brother are helping (one is with her tonight). Brother thinks a hired home aide will help (we have already arranged) but I think she needs overnight, too. Not workable to have adult kids essentially move in. Since Covid, my mom has spent just two nights alone.

Another relative thinks forget IL and go straight for a “temporary” assisted living. I think I could get my mom to agree if she knew she was at least monitored by nurses in IL.

I know my mom would be happier in her home but it’s huge with multiple sets of stairs and her bedroom on top floor.

Sorry for the rambling. Please be nice.

[Anonymous]

Your relative is right-AL and make sure there is a memory care there if ever needed. Extreme anxiety was the road to dementia for both my parents. There was always (with them and grandparents) a stressors-emotional or physical that sped things along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your relative is right-AL and make sure there is a memory care there if ever needed. Extreme anxiety was the road to dementia for both my parents. There was always (with them and grandparents) a stressors-emotional or physical that sped things along.

Forgot to say, yes, it can be helpful to say it is temporary, but between you and me...no way is it temporary. The drugs will not work wonders.And she will be far less lonely once she makes a friend or 2. May get a new lease on life. Much better for her brain health too to be around peers. Sure it's depressing when peers decline, but she needs to keep exercising those social skills and your adult kids won't keep you in line when the social skills are not up to par.

[Anonymous]

I’d also suggest assisted living, and maybe a smaller facility so it will be easier for her to navigate. Does she have financial resources?

[Anonymous]

What was the reason the doctor said she cannot be alone tonight? Cognitive deficits/judgment concerns? Suicidal ideation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the reason the doctor said she cannot be alone tonight? Cognitive deficits/judgment concerns? Suicidal ideation?

Ok, thanks all for your reassurance. I heart dcum.

I guess I wasn’t ready to think about AL, kind of brainwashed by my mom that she wasn’t in need of this.

Tough to think that a week ago, she was easier to talk to and be with. We just can’t go on this way and I think we’re asking too much of a home health aide!

Someone else asked about finances. We’re good and she has LT care insurance.

And I think the doctor specified not being alone tonight because my mom voiced that she felt “out of her mind” (was specifically asked about self harm and that was a no) but did say she felt hopeless and depressed and exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your relative is right-AL and make sure there is a memory care there if ever needed. Extreme anxiety was the road to dementia for both my parents. There was always (with them and grandparents) a stressors-emotional or physical that sped things along.

Forgot to say, yes, it can be helpful to say it is temporary, but between you and me...no way is it temporary. The drugs will not work wonders.And she will be far less lonely once she makes a friend or 2. May get a new lease on life. Much better for her brain health too to be around peers. Sure it's depressing when peers decline, but she needs to keep exercising those social skills and your adult kids won't keep you in line when the social skills are not up to par.

Yes about he drugs not being magic pills. My brother is deep in denial. Thinks home health is answer and she’ll recover.

Huge concern that this extreme anxiety will hasten her death, especially if she can’t eat.

I know the stay wouldn’t be temporary and yes, the place she’d live has the whole gamut. Think she’ll be most upset not to go into her preferred cottage style place but that’s another hurdle that I can deal with later

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't keep her happy, you can keep her safe. She moves. Within a few months she will adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the reason the doctor said she cannot be alone tonight? Cognitive deficits/judgment concerns? Suicidal ideation?

Ok, thanks all for your reassurance. I heart dcum.

I guess I wasn’t ready to think about AL, kind of brainwashed by my mom that she wasn’t in need of this.

Tough to think that a week ago, she was easier to talk to and be with. We just can’t go on this way and I think we’re asking too much of a home health aide!

Someone else asked about finances. We’re good and she has LT care insurance.

And I think the doctor specified not being alone tonight because my mom voiced that she felt “out of her mind” (was specifically asked about self harm and that was a no) but did say she felt hopeless and depressed and exhausted.

OP, I say this gently and with love, but your mom is 87. Assisted living is a great choice if she can afford it. There are alot of nice options out there.

Read the book "Being Mortal". It's a really good reflection on end of life issues.

[Anonymous]

OP back with my thanks and gratitude. We are moving my mom into AL ASAP. I got her doctor to essentially get a referral and the AL is so close to her hospital that the doctor does rounds or visits regularly.

My mom had a really tough day today but is relieved that she’s made this decision with her family’s full support.

And yes, I too was in denial about her age and ability and wasn’t ready for her decline to hit so hard and fast.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope it goes well. Fwiw we moved our dad with early Alzheimers into the independent living side of a continuing care community at 80 and one of the things I noticed was how much happier he was. He hated to leave his home, but it lifted a huge weight not to have to worry about all the things he wasn't quite capable of doing on his own. I only realized in retrospect how terrifying it must have been for him. And at his continuing care facility, he had tons of social interaction, which made him so happy! People here often have bad things to say about AL and other types of elder care facilities but I think it's easy to overlook how stressful it is to live alone, even in your long time home, when your capabilities are declining. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with my thanks and gratitude. We are moving my mom into AL ASAP. I got her doctor to essentially get a referral and the AL is so close to her hospital that the doctor does rounds or visits regularly.

My mom had a really tough day today but is relieved that she’s made this decision with her family’s full support.

And yes, I too was in denial about her age and ability and wasn’t ready for her decline to hit so hard and fast.

I'm glad to hear that op. I think assisted living places have come a long way. They are not the nursing homes we knew in our childhood. They really fill that space between living alone and a true medicalized facility.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could have convinced my mom, same age, to move into AL but she considers it a last stop on the train to death and cried and essentially begged not to go. So she is living with us, which is super hard. She is grateful to be here but she doesn’t understand how much additional work it is to care for her and to arrange things and all the background work with drs, insurance, etc.

She did finally agree to someone coming twice a week to help, we are allowing her some control to feel better and twice a week for a little while until she gets used to it but we need someone here every day to help up. It’s too overwhelming with the kids, two dogs, we both work, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could have convinced my mom, same age, to move into AL but she considers it a last stop on the train to death and cried and essentially begged not to go. So she is living with us, which is super hard. She is grateful to be here but she doesn’t understand how much additional work it is to care for her and to arrange things and all the background work with drs, insurance, etc.

She did finally agree to someone coming twice a week to help, we are allowing her some control to feel better and twice a week for a little while until she gets used to it but we need someone here every day to help up. It’s too overwhelming with the kids, two dogs, we both work, etc

Has she toured any of them near you? They really are a new concept in housing for the elderly, and your mom may be picturing a traditional nursing home. There are many assisted living places that are genuinely nice places to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could have convinced my mom, same age, to move into AL but she considers it a last stop on the train to death and cried and essentially begged not to go. So she is living with us, which is super hard. She is grateful to be here but she doesn’t understand how much additional work it is to care for her and to arrange things and all the background work with drs, insurance, etc.

She did finally agree to someone coming twice a week to help, we are allowing her some control to feel better and twice a week for a little while until she gets used to it but we need someone here every day to help up. It’s too overwhelming with the kids, two dogs, we both work, etc

Has she toured any of them near you? They really are a new concept in housing for the elderly, and your mom may be picturing a traditional nursing home. There are many assisted living places that are genuinely nice places to live.

I’m OP of this thread and have been non stop research. There are some temporary stay options and or care giver respite visits at some asst living communities.

Also, my mother’s (team!) of doctors have been instrumental in referring her to more appropriate, consistent care via an assisted living community. My mom has a health condition that needs regular monitoring; this alone qualifies her for AL and “med management.” The doctors are giving her a full work up so she can released to AL and I understand that the facility conducts their own assessment.

Also, we adult children needed to the doctors to know that our mom lives in a rambling, huge house with stairs to navigate. A genuine concern when her recent complaint was waking up confused and anxious. Safety paramount.

Just something to think about.