Do you find “May I ask why you ask?” To be rude? Should you never ask why someone raises a question?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure the proper grammar/spelling but I have always gotten an odd feeling whenever someone has said this in response to me asking a question.

I can never read the situation or vibe. Are they nosy? Am I in the wrong for my question? Etc…

[Anonymous]

You are rude/nosy in your question. I assume you are not American. Maybe you don’t know cultural norms here?

[Anonymous]

Miss Manners and others like her have long recommended “Why do you ask?” as a polite response to a question that one seems to personal or otherwise inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

They're trying to make the point that you were rude to ask. I think it's a stupid question. People ask because they're curious.

[Anonymous]

You gave asked a rude question and they’re trying to deflect it.

[Anonymous]

It’s the Miss Manners-approved way of shutting someone down. It gently redirects the asker’s attention back to their own curiosity. In franker terms, it’s MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're trying to make the point that you were rude to ask. I think it's a stupid question. People ask because they're curious.

It’s not really a question, as you yourself point out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure the proper grammar/spelling but I have always gotten an odd feeling whenever someone has said this in response to me asking a question.

I can never read the situation or vibe. Are they nosy? Am I in the wrong for my question? Etc…

It’s this. And you’re supposed to have an odd feeling. The odd feeling of being corrected. If it’s happening often you’re rude often.

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example of some questions that people say that about? Without additional info, I think the PPs are probably correct.

[Anonymous]

Op here. It happens often enough to recall though I will say I never thought until I saw these responses that it could be a racial response. I didn’t notice until I began to think of examples of when it happened. I am not Caucasian and I never receive it from my minority group or other minority groups that I can think of but do receive it often from men and women who are Caucasian. I’ve gotten this response when asking for directions, when asking how far a city is from where I was, etc…

Those recent examples were when I was shopping and planning to return to decide on an item I asked the store hours and when the salesperson would be working again and then when I asked how far a town was from the one I was in at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It happens often enough to recall though I will say I never thought until I saw these responses that it could be a racial response. I didn’t notice until I began to think of examples of when it happened. I am not Caucasian and I never receive it from my minority group or other minority groups that I can think of but do receive it often from men and women who are Caucasian. I’ve gotten this response when asking for directions, when asking how far a city is from where I was, etc…

Those recent examples were when I was shopping and planning to return to decide on an item I asked the store hours and when the salesperson would be working again and then when I asked how far a town was from the one I was in at the time.

It is strange to receive this reply in response to the specific questions you mention. Usually people respond in this way to personal questions they don’t want to answer, like “why don’t you have children?” or “how much money do you make?”

[Anonymous]

Why did these responses make you think it’s racially motivated? No one said anything like that here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It happens often enough to recall though I will say I never thought until I saw these responses that it could be a racial response. I didn’t notice until I began to think of examples of when it happened. I am not Caucasian and I never receive it from my minority group or other minority groups that I can think of but do receive it often from men and women who are Caucasian. I’ve gotten this response when asking for directions, when asking how far a city is from where I was, etc…

Those recent examples were when I was shopping and planning to return to decide on an item I asked the store hours and when the salesperson would be working again and then when I asked how far a town was from the one I was in at the time.

Why would you ask when the salesperson works again in order to return something? Sounds stalkerish. The other items (store hours, distance from your city) are easily available on the internet. Try not to be so needy, it’s probably putting people off.

[Anonymous]

I could see where asking when a specific salesperson would be working again would be a little odd and make them think you are going to be demanding or expecting special treatment or wanting to make a complaint against them. Why should the specific salesperson for a store item matter at all? You can buy it no matter who's there. If I were the salesperson and a customer asked me when I specifically would be working again, my "this person may become a clingy, demanding nightmare" radar would start pinging.

A lot also depends on tone and what happened leading up to these questions. Your tone and manner may be causing people to think you are getting too personal or that there is something off about the interaction without you realizing.

[Anonymous]

I've also sometimes used this when the question was really vague and my answer would depend on more background, or when the question seemed really obvious/stupid/weird and I was trying to figure out if I was missing something or why I was the one being approached with this question.