In laws never come over to our house

[Anonymous]

My in-laws live in a different city but have a condo in our town and they visit many times a year. They are always eager to host us and the kids at their condo but when we invite them over to our house for a meal they generally decline. They don’t give a reason. Or actually they will hem and haw about it and ultimately not come over. Is this weird? It makes me feel kind of bad—any thoughts about how not to feel bad about it? I also find it annoying because we sort of plan our weekend around the possibility they will join us for a meal. I think the right thing to do is just not plan around them but I find this hard to pull off in practice.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a standing appointment for dinner?

Do you have a cat or dog that may be the problem?

[Anonymous]

What does your DH say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a standing appointment for dinner?

Do you have a cat or dog that may be the problem?

We do have a cat and I have wondered if that’s the problem—my husband doesn’t think so but who knows! The standing appointment is a good idea and has worked well with my family, but I honestly think they wouldn’t show up. I think at this point I don’t want to put much energy towards “solving” the problem because I suspect there may not be a solution. But I would like to figure out some strategies for feeling less bad about it, especially the resentment of going to their condo (which isn’t huge and is in an area with tough parking) while they don’t reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH say?

He says he asks them but they “never listen to him” in general.

[Anonymous]

Crazy idea, but why doesn't your husband just talk to his parents?

[Anonymous]

You give up. Fewer guests to clean up for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crazy idea, but why doesn't your husband just talk to his parents?

Sounds great to me (this is OP), but I think this is unlikely to happen at this point, unfortunately. I’m aiming for acceptance that I can’t make DH have s real conversation about this and I can’t make his parents come over. But stumbling a bit on how to get to acceptance.

[Anonymous]

Do they have pets or a cat?

It really could be that one or both are allergic or just don't like cats. My dh is so allergic to cats we can only stay maybe less than an hour in a house with a cat because his allergies just become overwhelming, even with premedication.

Or they are just control freaks who have to be in charge all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You give up. Fewer guests to clean up for!

This is a good thing to repeat to myself! Like today I keep telling myself—no need to clean the house today because we aren’t having guests.

[Anonymous]

It could be: anxiety, incontinence, memory problems, being afraid of parking or driving to your house, being too cold at your house, general persnicketiness, finding your children loud and overwhelming, the list could go on and on. Old people are difficult.

I would continue to invite them over just not to be rude, but also let it go and not take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have pets or a cat?

It really could be that one or both are allergic or just don't like cats. My dh is so allergic to cats we can only stay maybe less than an hour in a house with a cat because his allergies just become overwhelming, even with premedication.

Or they are just control freaks who have to be in charge all the time.

Definitely have wondered if it’s the cat, although you would hope that they would feel close enough to DH to tell him. And they did have a cat when DH was growing up. But maybe I will just go ahead and assume it’s the cat as a coping mechanism. Kind of like ascribing the best possible reason to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws live in a different city but have a condo in our town and they visit many times a year. They are always eager to host us and the kids at their condo but when we invite them over to our house for a meal they generally decline. They don’t give a reason. Or actually they will hem and haw about it and ultimately not come over. Is this weird? It makes me feel kind of bad—any thoughts about how not to feel bad about it? I also find it annoying because we sort of plan our weekend around the possibility they will join us for a meal. I think the right thing to do is just not plan around them but I find this hard to pull off in practice.

We are in the reserve situation we never get invited by son and daughter n law. I know they love our house, but it would be nice once in a while. I appreciate that we get the time to together no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be: anxiety, incontinence, memory problems, being afraid of parking or driving to your house, being too cold at your house, general persnicketiness, finding your children loud and overwhelming, the list could go on and on. Old people are difficult.

I would continue to invite them over just not to be rude, but also let it go and not take it personally.

Thanks, this list of possible reasons is helpful (in the vein of thinking the best of them).

[Anonymous]

Why do you care? You don’t have to host them, that is awesome.