Is a parent’s affair enough of a reason to pull back from them?

[Anonymous]

My father left my mother for another woman in his 50’s. That woman drained his bank accounts dry and now he wants me to help him out financially and move in with me. I spent a lot of time and effort getting him into a Medicaid nursing home when he became unable to care for himself. He constantly tells me he hates it there, feels lonely, hates the food, and is bored. He wants to leave and move in with me. He had a stint at my place already where he treated me like Uber, cook, housekeeper, tech support, financial planner, social coordinator, etc. He never once said thank you. I resented it so much and felt that he treated me that way because he is lazy and I’m a woman. I visit him regularly although not as much as he’d like. I used to visit nearly daily but he is such a downer and ungrateful that I started coming by less. What keeps me from taking him into my house is he got himself into this mess himself—squandering 7 figures nest egg and lonely because he left my mom and no one else wants him around. I work full time, have a husband and kids, and cannot be a nursemaid to an elderly man. He guilts me saying he will die there out of boredom and loneliness. I have a sibling who also doesn’t want him and neither do his own siblings. He burned all his bridges because he treats others like the help.

[Anonymous]

You do not owe him a bail out. These are the consequences of his selfish choices. Decide what YOU feel comfortable doing and only do that.

He is still not a nice person. A nice person does not use their child as he wants to use you.

[Anonymous]

You've seen that he has food, and a roof over his head. Leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

I would just nicely explain what while you love him, you have to much to do with the kids to also take care of him. Also explain you can’t physically lift him etc. and are afraid if he leaves this Medicaid home he will have a hard time or long wait to get into another.

I recommend you drop by at least several times a week if it’s close to help make sure he isn’t being mistreated.

Does he have an iPad? You could put hbo etc on the iPad. Books? Magazines? Reading glasses do he can see these things?

[Anonymous]

Oh man. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are not responsible for his boredom and loneliness. You’re his child and he should have cared for you better, not treated you poorly and now take from you as an adult.

Ignore him and go take care of your kids and yourself!

[Anonymous]

The affair led him to his current situation, but it doesn't sound like you are pulling back due to the affair, you are pulling back due to him being a user. I think you are setting boundaries that could be even firmer because he will keep using you if you let him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just nicely explain what while you love him, you have to much to do with the kids to also take care of him. Also explain you can’t physically lift him etc. and are afraid if he leaves this Medicaid home he will have a hard time or long wait to get into another.

I recommend you drop by at least several times a week if it’s close to help make sure he isn’t being mistreated.

Does he have an iPad? You could put hbo etc on the iPad. Books? Magazines? Reading glasses do he can see these things?

I got him an iPad with Netflix and it even has foreign language shows in his language. I showed him so many times how to use it and he can never remember how. He does not read and has never read a single book in my lifetime. He watches sports or news all day on the TV at his nursing home. He told me when the World Cup ended that he would have nothing more to look forward to and life would be not worth living. Meanwhile, I visit two or three times a week and took him out to family celebrations for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just nicely explain what while you love him, you have to much to do with the kids to also take care of him. Also explain you can’t physically lift him etc. and are afraid if he leaves this Medicaid home he will have a hard time or long wait to get into another.

I recommend you drop by at least several times a week if it’s close to help make sure he isn’t being mistreated.

Does he have an iPad? You could put hbo etc on the iPad. Books? Magazines? Reading glasses do he can see these things?

I got him an iPad with Netflix and it even has foreign language shows in his language. I showed him so many times how to use it and he can never remember how. He does not read and has never read a single book in my lifetime. He watches sports or news all day on the TV at his nursing home. He told me when the World Cup ended that he would have nothing more to look forward to and life would be not worth living. Meanwhile, I visit two or three times a week and took him out to family celebrations for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

You’re doing enough, then. Get him an iPad pillow and after every visit if it’s a good time, start a move on his language before you leave. That way he gets some variety to his entertainment

[Anonymous]

You're doing more than enough, OP. You are not his entertainment center nor are you responsible for alleviating his boredom.

Spend whatever amount of time with him that works for you. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Tell him it is up to him to make friendly connections where he is at and find things to do to fill his time. While he did not make his wife and kids a priority, you plan to make your husband and kids yours. Honestly I would say l aim to make myself a priority too, and drop my visits to twice a week at most.

Be blunt about him not moving back in with you. Then tell him to stop with the guilt trips. If he continues let him know you will be leaving each time he starts that line of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Not at all, but being an all-around chronic and demanding loser IS. A one-time mistake can usually be forgiven, but years of poor life management? No way.

[Anonymous]

OP, YOU will truly be a bad PARENT to your existing family IF you take him in.

You spent a lot of time and effort getting him into a Medicaid nursing home when he became unable to care for himself - you stepped up and dod what needed to be done.
If you stress and make this a daily concern/internal debate/worry, this takes you away from your family. They deserve your best self.

[Anonymous]

Actions have consequences.

He did get himself in this situation.

He did not treat his wife or daughter well. Misogyny should not be rewarded.

I absolve you of ALL guilt. By giving him a safe place to age, and even trying to take him in at first, you have done more than your daughterly duty.

Go take care of your (considerable) other responsibilities in peace.

[Anonymous]

You are doing plenty.

[Anonymous]

OP - You did what your dad needed in getting him into a level of care that he obviously qualified for, and you now can focus on your own family and yourself. Visiting a couple of times a week is appropriate support for him given all you have going on in your own life. He likely does not understand the level of care he needs.