chores and cleanliness standards vs family fun

[Anonymous]

How do you balance all the chores and tasks associated with keeping a reasonably clean, well-functioning household with family activities outside the house?

Realizing that I grew up in a home with pretty insane standards for cleanliness. (I was expected to dust the top of the doors, for example.) Weekends during my childhood were for cleaning and shopping. As a parent in my own family now, I see so many other families doing fun things on weekends while we're at home, cleaning and doing chores. How do you all manage to have a functioning and clean home and still have time to do fun things as a family? Do you pay people to clean your house? Lower your standards?

Especially interested to hear from others who grew up in homes that might have been over the top when it comes to cleaning, but who found a way to break the pattern. Visual clutter and grime can be anxiety provoking for me. Hoping to learn how others learned to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Its a balance. Make the morning about chores and the afternoon about fun. Gotta go dust my doors...I have never dusted my doors. Hopefully the breeze opening and closing has kept some off.

[Anonymous]

We have a cleaning person every 2 weeks. I don’t clean bathrooms, change beds, etc…. I do obviously do regular cleaning, we have a dog so I vacuum the main level almost every day. My kid had to keep her room clean, empties the dishwasher, brings laundry up from the dryer, and generally helps when asked. I do t think our house is spotless but if someone stopped by unannounced I’d be ok inviting them in. I find if you keep up with keeping it tidy the cleaning doesn’t take long. Having a cleaning person is a huge help too though.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a home with a housekeeper. As an adult now we have cleaning people twice a week, and have our home deep-cleaned four times a year. Aside from cleaning up after a meal, our house is never more than ten minutes messy, though usually just five.

But we are clean-as-you-go people, everything has a place, the kids know the routines and where most things go, and we've worked hard with them to learn that. So they know to come in, take off shoes, hang up coat and backpack, etc.

[Anonymous]

We make a list with the kids at the beginning of the weekend for all the things we want and need to do that day, like chores/cleaning, homework, playing with toys, and other things like arts and crafts or baking cookies. We then schedule it (ex. Get clothes, backpack and lunch ready for school: 10:00-10:30). The schedule really works. Obviously, we might over/underschedule, so we try to be flexible . It motivates the kids towards their next play break and makes it seem less daunting. Leave your evenings free for something fun like movie night or bowling.

The problem is when they get older and don't do regular maintenance cleaning, like making beds or putting away dirty clothes. If you insist on those tasks getting done throughout the week, weekends can be saved for only the deeper cleanings.

[Anonymous]

Lower standards. But if I had the money to hire cleaners I absolutely would. I find it hard to keep up with dusting, mopping, and window washing.

[Anonymous]

We have biweekly cleaners for the major stuff. We do quick cleans every night, dishes away, laundry loads daily. I don't dust, screw that. Shows off inside and no pets. I spent my childhood saturdays cleaning bathrooms too. House is not too big to pick up and keep up between cleanings and kids do their own rooms. Clutter is managed by having less stuff and culling regularly and grime is not hard to manage with shows off, cleaning kitchens. Its not like we live on a farm and drag in mud etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have biweekly cleaners for the major stuff. We do quick cleans every night, dishes away, laundry loads daily. I don't dust, screw that. Shows off inside and no pets. I spent my childhood saturdays cleaning bathrooms too. House is not too big to pick up and keep up between cleanings and kids do their own rooms. Clutter is managed by having less stuff and culling regularly and grime is not hard to manage with shows off, cleaning kitchens. Its not like we live on a farm and drag in mud etc.

Ok but you also have biweekly cleaners! Surely that makes dust and grime MUCH easier to manage!

[Anonymous]

First of all, recognize that it is probably about your upbringing and parents, not actual cleanliness. It won’t be solved just by not cleaning.

I had to lower my standards. I grew up in a house where I did homework, went to my activities, and cleaned. You sat only at meals and laid down when it was bedtime.

I kept those standards for many years because I had been told I was an amoral pig who would shame my family if I didn’t. The strain of keeping those standards up while sharing a house with a husband who did literally nothing finally broke me. I was literally hospitalized with a heart condition from the physical strain of keeping a full time job and maintaining a house to the standards of southern European immigrant housewives trying to prove that they aren’t “filthy immigrants”- I think there’s some intergenerational trauma from my grandparents and great-grandparents. I read my husband the riot act after my hospitalization but also had to let some things go. It’s a process. I’m staring at the quarter-round in my kitchen as I type this and telling myself I shouldn’t watch a Hallmark movie until I clean it.

Listen to A Slob Comes Clean podcast. She says some really helpful things about a perfectionist mindset and the paralysis that comes from doing everything or nothing. I’m working on the guilt and the anxiety instilled in me by my family of origin but it will take a lifetime to unwind.

Also, ignore the dust and go have fun. My mom ruined a ton of special times by waking us up at 7 am beating the vacuum against our doors or cancelling plans due to failed “inspections”.

[Anonymous]

22:06 PP and want to add that my family’s hang ups around cleanliness were legitimate in their origins so it helps me forgive them. For example, they knew fellow immigrants who had perfectly normal communicable diseases that were blamed on poor hygiene and that was used as an excuse to block immigration or remove children from homes. They had 1-2 outfits and a few possessions that had to last for ages, so keeping a house free of coal dust and rust belt city soot was imperative. Hypercleanliness was their insurance plan and a way to control a sometimes unwelcoming, unforgiving new home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, recognize that it is probably about your upbringing and parents, not actual cleanliness. It won’t be solved just by not cleaning.

I had to lower my standards. I grew up in a house where I did homework, went to my activities, and cleaned. You sat only at meals and laid down when it was bedtime.

I kept those standards for many years because I had been told I was an amoral pig who would shame my family if I didn’t. The strain of keeping those standards up while sharing a house with a husband who did literally nothing finally broke me. I was literally hospitalized with a heart condition from the physical strain of keeping a full time job and maintaining a house to the standards of southern European immigrant housewives trying to prove that they aren’t “filthy immigrants”- I think there’s some intergenerational trauma from my grandparents and great-grandparents. I read my husband the riot act after my hospitalization but also had to let some things go. It’s a process. I’m staring at the quarter-round in my kitchen as I type this and telling myself I shouldn’t watch a Hallmark movie until I clean it.

Listen to A Slob Comes Clean podcast. She says some really helpful things about a perfectionist mindset and the paralysis that comes from doing everything or nothing. I’m working on the guilt and the anxiety instilled in me by my family of origin but it will take a lifetime to unwind.

Also, ignore the dust and go have fun. My mom ruined a ton of special times by waking us up at 7 am beating the vacuum against our doors or cancelling plans due to failed “inspections”.

Goodness. Kudos to you for breaking the cycle. That’s not easy, you are amazing!

My parents were also immigrants who cleaned a lot. They came from a place where many people had household help and were used to an insane standard of cleanliness. I do remember my mom waking me up on the weekend while cleaning and yelling at us about being lazy, but it was more like 10 AM (we were always sleep deprived because there were no bedtimes, but that was another issue).

[Anonymous]

We both work and have cleaners every two weeks. DH cleans the kitchen and dining room daily. I tidy other rooms and try to keep things semi organized. It helps having cleaners and guests, I find, otherwise those piles of random crap just build.

We don’t usually clean on the weekend. We could do more. I guess I just think it’s only going to be childhood once, and I had a tough time having my kids and want to squeeze out every fun moment. The only time I get uptight is about having people over because I do feel ashamed if things are untidy or disorganized. Over the years I have Kondo’d parts of the house but still have a lot to go. It’s a process. I try to balance being proud of the house and having a nice environment vs having fun and being chill. My child told me the other day our home was cozy and homey and I was glad they felt that way. I don’t put a lot of time into decorating and feel I could do more to make it even more of a haven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have biweekly cleaners for the major stuff. We do quick cleans every night, dishes away, laundry loads daily. I don't dust, screw that. Shows off inside and no pets. I spent my childhood saturdays cleaning bathrooms too. House is not too big to pick up and keep up between cleanings and kids do their own rooms. Clutter is managed by having less stuff and culling regularly and grime is not hard to manage with shows off, cleaning kitchens. Its not like we live on a farm and drag in mud etc.

Ok but you also have biweekly cleaners! Surely that makes dust and grime MUCH easier to manage!

Oh definitely. We didn't for a while and when we had a condo but its worth every penny and it takes them 2 hrs to do the house whole it would take me much longer alone and even with DH. Id rather spend the $ and use my free time for kids fun stuff.

[Anonymous]

I have kind of broken the cycle in that I let my kids have toys out. A famous story from my childhood is that my mom repeatedly threw away my homework because it was left on the kitchen table. I'm not that bad. But clutter and dirt also make me anxious.

We have a weekly cleaner and I tidy constantly. The key is to purge!!! If stuff is everywhere you have too much stuff. I have lots of hiding spots stuff goes into so I can quickly tidy up.

[Anonymous]

My mom kept a very clean house while I was growing up (she still does) but we lived in Asia and she had a full household staff that worked every day. She was not very happy when they came to visit right after I moved to the US for grad school. I wasn’t going to give up studying and enjoying student life to scrub bathrooms and I couldn’t afford cleaners then.
Now I have my own family, we hire weekly cleaners and also pick up every day. My home will never be as spotless as Mom’s but she doesn’t complain much now, LOL. And we definitely make time to have fun on weekends.