chores and cleanliness standards vs family fun

[Anonymous]

I come from a super tidy home and now live in clutter, due to our tiny home being too small for 4 people and pets.

Basically when I get too anxious about it, I clean. The problem is that no one else takes initiative, particularly my borderline hoarder husband who never cleans anything, and that makes me very resentful…

[Anonymous]

We do "big cleans" every other week. Full cleaning of bathrooms, dusting, vacuuming etc. On the off weeks we do a wipe down of the bathrooms and DH runs the vacuum in the high traffic areas. Sometimes the big cleans slide to every three weeks. We will NEVER choose to clean over doing something with the kids. Our house isn't pristine but clean enough.

[Anonymous]

It's a balance. About once every other week, we spend one weekend morning cleaning up. And then we do a pick-up every couple of days, we sweep the kitchen floor at least a couple times a week, plus as needed, vacuum once a week, wipe down the bathrooms as needed (at least once a week), etc.

I also view it as a life skills thing. I don't want to send a kid out into the world who has no idea what goes into keeping a decently clean house or how to do those things.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, it’s a balance. DH is a neatnik by nature, but also grew up in a chaotic household, so cleans as a way to keep calm. I wasn’t raised in total slobbery (thanks to my mom) but don’t enjoy cleaning as much as DH does. I’ve come to appreciate the benefits of order, though.

We insist our three kids keep their rooms clean. We’ve tried to encourage them to do small parts at a time, but it came to a head this week and we forced a big clean. It was a rough evening but we’re all better for it.

We insist on things like cleaning up after themselves, bringing dishes in, etc. Clean as you go, for sure. We had someone clean once every few weeks pre-pandemic, and hope to start that up again in the new year. For now, we take turns with the bathrooms, which are really the only area that would otherwise be neglected. We do also have robot vacuums and mappers, and run those twice a week.

[Anonymous]

My DD’s friend’s parents won’t let the 10 yr old kid play unless chores are done. They have made their kid miss so many chances to play. It makes me so sad for the kid. These were outside playdates during the few wintertime daylight hours.

I understand that children need to have responsibility, but they are children and folding laundry can wait. A huge part of responsibility is balancing chores and fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD’s friend’s parents won’t let the 10 yr old kid play unless chores are done. They have made their kid miss so many chances to play. It makes me so sad for the kid. These were outside playdates during the few wintertime daylight hours.

I understand that children need to have responsibility, but they are children and folding laundry can wait. A huge part of responsibility is balancing chores and fun.

We weren't allowed to play unless our chores were done. That seems a totally reasonable rule for a 10-year-old, assuming the chores themselves are appropriate and sufficient time was budgeted.

[Anonymous]

I think I tipped the balance a little far towards fun and now it's harder to get help cleaning. It's also harder now with teens that naturally sleep later. It used to be easy to say "you can't go to that 10:00 activity on Saturday until XYZ chore is done, when the kids were naturally awake by 6:30am.

[Anonymous]

I find it harder to have my kids get to their chores when their sports seasons are going strong. They wake up early for school, school, come home, short rest, homework,
Sports, shower, sleep. But I've never had high expectations. Our house is not always 5 minutes to clean. But I didn't grow up in a super clean house either. I would let fun go before cleaning, but that's probably why we don't always have a guest ready house.

[Anonymous]

I have neither a clean home nor a lot of family fun, but I do prioritize pretty much everything over cleaning. It really is anxiety provoking to have such a messy home, and I wish I was more like OP. The house is so big, and DH is a bit of a hoarder so it's cluttered, and we both work but can't afford cleaners, so.....it's a bit of a disaster and a real source of stress. Hard to have fun and enjoy life when you're stressed because your house is a disaster and you can't even have anyone over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a super tidy home and now live in clutter, due to our tiny home being too small for 4 people and pets.

Basically when I get too anxious about it, I clean. The problem is that no one else takes initiative, particularly my borderline hoarder husband who never cleans anything, and that makes me very resentful…

This is me, too. DH's hoarding is driving me nuts. I got so fed up this past weekend that I called the junk removal people and had them cart away half a dumpster of junk that he had collected (bits of scrap wood, cardboard boxes, etc.). And it didn't even make enough of a dent that he noticed. I feel like I can't really clean because I never get past the part that involves just throwing out junk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, recognize that it is probably about your upbringing and parents, not actual cleanliness. It won’t be solved just by not cleaning.

I had to lower my standards. I grew up in a house where I did homework, went to my activities, and cleaned. You sat only at meals and laid down when it was bedtime.

I kept those standards for many years because I had been told I was an amoral pig who would shame my family if I didn’t. The strain of keeping those standards up while sharing a house with a husband who did literally nothing finally broke me. I was literally hospitalized with a heart condition from the physical strain of keeping a full time job and maintaining a house to the standards of southern European immigrant housewives trying to prove that they aren’t “filthy immigrants”- I think there’s some intergenerational trauma from my grandparents and great-grandparents. I read my husband the riot act after my hospitalization but also had to let some things go. It’s a process. I’m staring at the quarter-round in my kitchen as I type this and telling myself I shouldn’t watch a Hallmark movie until I clean it.

Listen to A Slob Comes Clean podcast. She says some really helpful things about a perfectionist mindset and the paralysis that comes from doing everything or nothing. I’m working on the guilt and the anxiety instilled in me by my family of origin but it will take a lifetime to unwind.

Also, ignore the dust and go have fun. My mom ruined a ton of special times by waking us up at 7 am beating the vacuum against our doors or cancelling plans due to failed “inspections”.

OP here. This is similar too my upbringing. Not the immigration part, but the rest of it. My adoptive father believed that work and cleaning would "purify" me of the sin/bad blood I'd inherited as a result of being born to an unwed, "loose" woman. And my adoptive mother, who divorced and left my adad, would only let me live with her if I kept the house clean and stayed out of sight. I was also subject to inspections and cancelled plans, by both parents.

So, yes, I know this is all about mindset. I'm not raising my kids this way in that I don't use chores to control or punish them, but it kinda does affect them because they don't get to go anywhere if all I do all weekend is clean. I know the answer is that I have to find a way to be ok leaving the house for fun even if the living room floor is wall-to-wall train sets and there's toothpaste in the sink. I guess I just don't know where to begin to let it go. Thanks for the recommendation of the podcast. I'll check that out.

[Anonymous]

Lower yiur standards for now and have a cleaning company every 2 weeks. It's about priorities: for example, would you rather go strawberry/blueberry/blackberry picking as a family and then bake pies, crisps and cobblers, or have a clean house? Each family is different, but I choose family time, every time.

As your kids get older, they can help with more de-cluttering. As young kids, ours had to pick up their rooms only, so that the cleaning service could change sheets, clean floors and surfaces. If they let it get gross until the day before the cleaners came, they wouldn't do anything that day after school until their room was picked up.

Older kids can help more

[Anonymous]

My entire family straightens the house for 10 minutes, twice a day. We all put away 15 things each in its correct place. I do the sweeping and mopping. They do the vacuuming. I clean the bathrooms. Do all the laundry. They water indoor plants, replenish TPs, towels and soaps, they order grocery and panty items and they put away groceries, they take care of trash and recycling. DH does all the cooking.

It does not take too much time. We have some nice tips, tricks and hacks to keep the house humming.

[Anonymous]

I schedule a party, hosting/entertaining every two weeks like clockwork.

Guess what? We have to clean because we are having a party or guests over. Works every time. And each time, I curse my idiocy for inviting people and putting the pressure of cleaning and cooking on myself.

But, without the fear and shame of knowing that I will be judged by others if my home is dirty, I would never clean my house or do the daily maintenance cleaning. I am a secret lazy slob.

[Anonymous]

I used to spend all weekend cleaning, and then had kids, and still spent all weekend cleaning and tidying and doing laundry.

And then I realized that I would rather spend time with my kids than doing all the cleaning. And we made room in our budget for weekly cleaners, and I just did tidying and laundry. And then we moved to a large home (I know how privileged this sounds) and we eventually got a daily housekeeper to tidy the house daily, so laundry, and do grocery shopping. So we obviously spend a small fortune on keeping the house up to my standards (DH does really care).

At most moments, we are ready to host guests and the house looks perfectly clean and tidy. We have 4 young kids so this is no small feat.

I grew up with an immigrant SAHM and we spent several hours each weekend cleaning. Our house growing up always looked clean and tidy, and I didn’t appreciate how much that was ingrained in me until I had my own place (I was a slob for a few years in my college dorm). It stresses me out to live in messy or dirty spaces.