Young adult kids dealing with mentally ill mom

[Anonymous]

My ex wife suffers from depression and mental illness. She is in her early 50s. She also drinks too much (among other things) as a way to cope. She works in the restaurant/bar industry so it's difficult for her to escape the party scene. I do not have a good relationship with her to step in and help so unfortunately it has fallen on my semi-adult kids. The problem is my kids are not equipped to handle her. They have their own problems but also just don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with the constant break downs, drama, and anger that is involved. My daughter, the youngest, has had the most difficulty with the situation. She witnessed her mom have a breakdown, which was obviously traumatic for her. The drinking and subsequent smaller break-downs has a triggering affect on her. Here is some of the advice I've given my kids. Would love to here what others think:

- therapy for themselves. My daughter has a therapist that is helping her work through the issues with her mom.
- confront their mom on the drinking. IMO, the drinking makes everything so much worse. I also feel she should have some exit plan from the bar scene. I don't think it's good for her to be constantly around alcohol.
- a total overhaul of her therapist/psychiatrist. She's had the same two for a few years now, and IMO, they have not helped at all.

Part of the issue is my ex is extremely sensitive and everyone around her is walking on egg shells. She has been told most of the above off and on over the years by various love ones and she usually gets upset, lashes out at the messenger, or has cut that person completely out of her life (i.e our divorce, estranged family members).

I'm kind of at a loss on how to navigate this situation, how much to be involved, and how much "advice" to give as I'm obviously not a professional. I have my opinions but that's kind of all they are, my opinions. Thanks for listening DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds like they need to figure it out on their own. You're divorced and you need to accept that being powerless to do much here is part of the deal.

[Anonymous]

Therapy is important. The rest isn't possible. Don't encourage your kids to try to fix their mother: she has to take responsibility for herself and it's an impossible burden to lay on your kids.

For your kids, encourage therapy and, maybe, Al Anon and let them know that they get to decide what relationship they have with their mother. They can see her when, where, and as much or as little as they want, including no.contact.

[Anonymous]

Do your kids live with their mother?

[Anonymous]

They can't fix her and you can't fix her. You need to accept that. You pushing them to try things is probably just making things worse. You are divorced and that means you can't really help very much.

I'm sure you mean well, but if this is coming from a place of divorce guilt, maybe you need therapy for yourself. You can get divorced but they can't-- distance and estrangement is their only real option. Divorce means the kids have to deal with things mostly on their own and you need to accept it.

[Anonymous]

"Part of the issue is my ex is extremely sensitive and everyone around her is walking on egg shells"

This is codependency. As the adult daughter of an alcoholic I have to say, she will not break if people are honest/tough love with her. Healthy boundaries need to be set. Often times we think deep down we'll be the cause of their drinking if we don't walk on egg shells, that simply isn't true. They need to get therapy, go to Al-Anon or something similar.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies. Guess I'm trying to help my kids navigate the situation more than trying to fix her, but I can see your points and in retrospect my advice is more oriented towards finding a fix and less about how to navigate the situation (except for the therapy advice). Just that I hate seeing my daughter come how crying every other time she sees her mom. The kids are in college and live with me when they are home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Part of the issue is my ex is extremely sensitive and everyone around her is walking on egg shells"

This is codependency. As the adult daughter of an alcoholic I have to say, she will not break if people are honest/tough love with her. Healthy boundaries need to be set. Often times we think deep down we'll be the cause of their drinking if we don't walk on egg shells, that simply isn't true. They need to get therapy, go to Al-Anon or something similar.

Thank you for your perspective, PP. If I were to venture an educated guess, part of the concern is being cut completely out of her life. I don't think my kids can wrap their heads around that possibility, and so they definitely handle her with kids gloves.

[Anonymous]

Real talk OP: If you were able to fix this problem, you would have fixed it already. Drop the rope and stop pressuring your kids, you're just adding more stress to their lives.

If you're sad that your daughter is upset, you need to work on yourself until you can cope with it. If you're feeling guilty about divorce, well, that's the price you gotta pay for your freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can't fix her and you can't fix her. You need to accept that. You pushing them to try things is probably just making things worse. You are divorced and that means you can't really help very much.

I'm sure you mean well, but if this is coming from a place of divorce guilt, maybe you need therapy for yourself. You can get divorced but they can't-- distance and estrangement is their only real option. Divorce means the kids have to deal with things mostly on their own and you need to accept it.

Yes, I'm sure therapy would be helpful for me as well, although I don't feel any guilt about the divorce. I tried everything I could to save my marriage, but ultimately it takes two people to want a marriage to work, and that wasn't the case in my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can't fix her and you can't fix her. You need to accept that. You pushing them to try things is probably just making things worse. You are divorced and that means you can't really help very much.

I'm sure you mean well, but if this is coming from a place of divorce guilt, maybe you need therapy for yourself. You can get divorced but they can't-- distance and estrangement is their only real option. Divorce means the kids have to deal with things mostly on their own and you need to accept it.

Yes, I'm sure therapy would be helpful for me as well, although I don't feel any guilt about the divorce. I tried everything I could to save my marriage, but ultimately it takes two people to want a marriage to work, and that wasn't the case in my situation.

I mean, do you feel guilt for dumping this problem on your children? Because it's a natural consequence of divorce that they're on their own to deal with her now.

[Anonymous]

I don’t feel guilt. I feel empathy.

[Anonymous]

Al-anon 12-step groups (mental illness and alcoholism usually tie together) or a support group would be amazing, even just reading some books to start.

But they should say this on repeat to themselves:

I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it


https://al-anon.org/blog/al-anons-three-cs/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can't fix her and you can't fix her. You need to accept that. You pushing them to try things is probably just making things worse. You are divorced and that means you can't really help very much.

I'm sure you mean well, but if this is coming from a place of divorce guilt, maybe you need therapy for yourself. You can get divorced but they can't-- distance and estrangement is their only real option. Divorce means the kids have to deal with things mostly on their own and you need to accept it.

Yes, I'm sure therapy would be helpful for me as well, although I don't feel any guilt about the divorce. I tried everything I could to save my marriage, but ultimately it takes two people to want a marriage to work, and that wasn't the case in my situation.

I mean, do you feel guilt for dumping this problem on your children? Because it's a natural consequence of divorce that they're on their own to deal with her now.

He didn’t dump the problem of his wife on them. They are taking it upon themselves. And they need to stop doing that.

I have been in this exact scenario as the young adult. For so long I tried to help my mom. I used to make her medical appointments, which she only some times made it to. I tried to get her on financial assistance but she never got together the documentation. I used to talk her down when she was depressed but those conversations always turned into her blaming everyone else for her problems, including me, and they were just exhausting. Finally a therapist convinced me that I needed to stop because a) trying was making life extremely hard for me and b) it wasn’t helping anyway. My mom was never going to get better no matter what I did.

My dad has helped out in ways that are actually useful. Before I was making good money and was in a position to help my mom financially, he sent her 200 dollars a month. This is a ton of money to her. Second, he is planning on helping the process of getting a conservator ship when she gets inheritance money.

[Anonymous]

And I will add that I am glad my parents divorced. It’s only because of that that I had a stable home to be raised in, even if it was just part of the time. My moms house was so chaotic and toxic, and the inconvenience and sadness of having divorced parents is a small price to pay for not having had to live with my mom my entire childhood.