Assure me I did the right thing!

[Anonymous]

Quite a while ago I posed about my overbearing and critical mother. You all advised me that I should just share less, I can’t have the relationship with her that I want, and that based on what I told you she’s likely depressed and anxious (she is, has been diagnosed) and it’s best she not know, and that’s what I’ve done. Most of the time it’s boring minutiae and she doesn’t even know what she’s missing, and sometimes it’s big stuff. She just discovered a “big” thing I kept from her (nothing life threatening or uprooting, just something a little expensive we decided to do (after Christmas vacation) that I would have normally discussed with her in conversation.) It was so awkward, and now she’s being weird and won’t speak to me as often as she was, which was like daily, or at least she’d try.

When she found out she was flabbergasted at first, really shocked I didn’t tell her upfront, but still got in a couple small digs So why do I feel so bad? I know I saved myself months of borrowed trouble and hard time by not disclosing, but it still feels awful. Why? Tell me I did the right thing!

[Anonymous]

Because you still care about what she thinks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you still care about what she thinks

I’m really trying not to. It is hard. This was a big step for me.

[Anonymous]

Have you been to therapy? If you have good emotional boundaries, this would be easier. Not that you wouldn't have feelings - you're a human, not a robot, but therapy works.

[Anonymous]

It feels bad because you crave her validation. That's it. You want her to approve of you and she's being disapproving and it feels bad. This is not atypical with parent-child relationships. All children want their parents to approve.

It does not matter if the thing she's disapproving is whatever it is you guys decided to do, or the fact that you didn't tell her before. Either way, she is disapproving a choice you made and it hurts because you want your mom to approve of you.

The fact that she has a history of being overbearing and critical has likely made this much worse for you. While all kids want their parents' approval, people who have been denied this a lot want it much more. If she was very critical of you as a child, you are probably still trying to make up for that and it's made you very insecure, at least we're your mom is concerned. I am like this with my dad, and to a lesser extent my mom. They are very judgmental people but my dad, in particular, simply never seemed to like or approve of anything I did as a kid and I just kind of carry that around with me. It can be hard.

I think in addition to sharing less with your mom, you need to work on detaching from her opinion of you. I would address it directly. When you feel those awful feelings, talk yourself through it: "I am sad because I want my mom to love me and validate me, and she doesn't. I want her to approve of this choice, and she won't. But I approve of this choice. I'm an adult and I made this choice thoughtfully and it is the right one for me. It is okay that my mom doesn't approve of it -- the important thing is that I do." Repeat as needed.

[Anonymous]

You DID do the right thing. My mother is dead, but for the last decade of her life I basically talked to her about stuff on tv, books, what was going on with Olympic gymnasts, and that's about it. Very VERY surface level. She viewed me as something she owned and anything I told her she felt free to tell any relatives regardless of whether I had a relationship with them or not. Info I gave her was then HERS to do with what she wanted. And she judged everything too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs. You feel this way because you still care what she thinks and crave her approval. I don't mean that in a snarky way! You've had YEARS of conditioning by her starting before your brain was fully developed. That's the hardest kind of conditioning to over come, especially when it was done and is about a parent.

So, remember that you are a work in progress. You cannot change things and expect them to be perfect right from the start. You DID do the right thing and are on the right path. Now you need to work on controlling your reactions/feelings to her disappoint. But, congratulations are in order because you DID do the first part correctly. Hugs.

Remember - whatever you practice, you get better at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels bad because you crave her validation. That's it. You want her to approve of you and she's being disapproving and it feels bad. This is not atypical with parent-child relationships. All children want their parents to approve.

It does not matter if the thing she's disapproving is whatever it is you guys decided to do, or the fact that you didn't tell her before. Either way, she is disapproving a choice you made and it hurts because you want your mom to approve of you.

The fact that she has a history of being overbearing and critical has likely made this much worse for you. While all kids want their parents' approval, people who have been denied this a lot want it much more. If she was very critical of you as a child, you are probably still trying to make up for that and it's made you very insecure, at least we're your mom is concerned. I am like this with my dad, and to a lesser extent my mom. They are very judgmental people but my dad, in particular, simply never seemed to like or approve of anything I did as a kid and I just kind of carry that around with me. It can be hard.

I think in addition to sharing less with your mom, you need to work on detaching from her opinion of you. I would address it directly. When you feel those awful feelings, talk yourself through it: "I am sad because I want my mom to love me and validate me, and she doesn't. I want her to approve of this choice, and she won't. But I approve of this choice. I'm an adult and I made this choice thoughtfully and it is the right one for me. It is okay that my mom doesn't approve of it -- the important thing is that I do." Repeat as needed.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. I’ve saved your affirmation in my notes on my phone and I will reference it when I need it. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I thank you.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't speak to you as often? Take with win, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You DID do the right thing. My mother is dead, but for the last decade of her life I basically talked to her about stuff on tv, books, what was going on with Olympic gymnasts, and that's about it. Very VERY surface level. She viewed me as something she owned and anything I told her she felt free to tell any relatives regardless of whether I had a relationship with them or not. Info I gave her was then HERS to do with what she wanted. And she judged everything too.

It’s really so hard. This is where I am now and it’s sad, it’s a mourning of its own. I’ll never have the mother I need. Hugs to you, PP, and thanks for your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PPs. You feel this way because you still care what she thinks and crave her approval. I don't mean that in a snarky way! You've had YEARS of conditioning by her starting before your brain was fully developed. That's the hardest kind of conditioning to over come, especially when it was done and is about a parent.

So, remember that you are a work in progress. You cannot change things and expect them to be perfect right from the start. You DID do the right thing and are on the right path. Now you need to work on controlling your reactions/feelings to her disappoint. But, congratulations are in order because you DID do the first part correctly. Hugs.

Remember - whatever you practice, you get better at.

Thank you. This means a lot. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy? If you have good emotional boundaries, this would be easier. Not that you wouldn't have feelings - you're a human, not a robot, but therapy works.

I haven’t, I’ve been dealing with it on my own. I consider it often. Maybe it’s time to pull the trigger.

[Anonymous]

You did do the right thing. If she doesn’t like it and wants to pull back, celebrate the win: less contact from her. Whatever, keep on keeping on. It will get easier.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“I didn’t feel like telling you. Hope you have a good weekend, I’ve got to run.”

[Anonymous]

OP, feeling a little bad is NO indication that your new approach isn't a good one. Do not use that as a measure. Mommy might get mad. You, as an adult, have to endure that. It's appropriate that you need to endure that. That is an ordinary part of an adult relationship (when the other person, would otherwise, be bossing you around)

[Anonymous]

End your relationship with her, and never speak to her again.