From an Independent School Coach--Do's and Don'ts for Parents

[Anonymous]

I coach at the high school level at an Independent school in the area. I know many on this board have younger kids, but it is worth putting out there for future parent generations So here are some thoughts from the coaching sidelines, in handy "do's and don'ts" format:
1. DO come to some games/matches if your schedule permits-- your kid will really appreciate it even if they don't tell you.
2. DO cheer. But . . . Not with props like a cowbell or drum or horn-- your child will be mortified.
3. DON'T hassle/berate/boo the officials. Why? Check out these reasons and pick one that appeals! Very few parents know the rules well enough to truly critique some of the more technical calls. Not every call against your team is a bad one (Law of averages supports this novel thought). The officials on the field are sometimes screened from the vantage point that sideline fans have. It is the coach's role, not the players' or fans,' to "work" the officials if they feel it necessary. Parent bodies who scream at officials does not put your school in a good light. It is tough to teach the kids sportsmanship if their parents whine/moan/protest about officiating. The officials are not highly paid, and many are trying to give back something to a sport they care about.
4. DON'T contact the coach about your kid's playing time--if you must be involved, perhaps before or after the season you can discuss with the coach your child's potential and off-season strategies for improvement. (Still don't recommend it.) If you want strong, self-reliant kids, they need to (1) occasionally deal with some disappointment in their lives; and (2) learn to have those conversations ("I feel like I could contribute more/is there a way I could improve so I can help the team more in competition") directly with the coach.
5. DON'T buy into DCUM - type conspiracy theories about the team (rich kids don't get cut! Etc) Coaches make their own decisions and want to win--they often don't know "who" the parents are in terms of stature etc.
6. DO pay attention to overuse issues. Playing the same sport 300 days a year can overstress joints, tendons etc., not to mention burnout. Consider having your child try a "new" sport or play multiple sports for the school -- your future Mia Hamm might turn out to be a whiz at cross - country or crew or lacrosse or field hockey or track and field. Same goes for your future Hopkins laxer-- maybe he would enjoy football or wrestling too.
7. DON'T assume that it is a bad experience just because your kid's team didn't win the league or (GASP!) even have a winning season. You don't see what goes on at practice, for one thing. The coach that shouts in games may be an incredibly encouraging teacher in a practice setting. And as for the total experience? Did your child get exercise? Make good friends on the team? Improve in skills? It is not all about the "W"s ( at this level, anyway!).
8. DON'T make the experience all about getting into college. That is a valid reason to pursue a sport at a high level but make sure you and your family enjoy the experience for itself.
9. DO give yourself credit for making the sacrifices you've made (tedious Saturday afternoons, long drives, cutting up the proverbial half time oranges) ton help your child be involved in athletics at any level. It is worth it!

[Anonymous]

Bravo.

Most of this goes for the target in this forum too, in terms of travel teams, overuse, and the reasons we sign our kids up for these activities.

[Anonymous]

So well said. I wish many of the parents at my ds school would read this!

[Anonymous]

Thanks, this is "the coach" here. I should emphasize that I don't want to be overcritical-- you parents collectively are raising some funny, smart, competitive athletes who make coaching a joy, and for the most part getting to know the team parents (where DID junior get that fierce streak? Ah, there's where her dry wit comes from) is also rewarding. But there are a few exceptions so I thought I'd put my two cents in on a board read by thoughtful and involved parents.

[Anonymous]

Good stuff. Thanks, coach.

[Anonymous]

Great post! Thank you, Coach.

[Anonymous]

With the fall sports season in full swing, worth a look at this oldie thread.

[Anonymous]

Coach, what if you want your child to get exposed to a specific position (i.e. midfielder, point guard,etc.)? What is the best way to communicate this to the coach without violating #4?

[Anonymous]

I disagree with number 4. A coach should be able to explain a kid's playing time if a parent wants to ask. As a coach, I welcome those inquiries and see nothing wrong with letting a parent know why her/his kid isn't playing.

[Anonymous]

With regard to #4, keep in mind that if we're talking about school-based teams the kids are, at a minimum, in 6th grade and probably older. A sixth grader might not be ready to independently ask the coach about playing time or position. A high-school student should be managing these things for him/herself. So yes, if your child is in sixth or seventh grade, a politely phrased question (e.g., what could my child do to earn more playing time, not why aren't you playing my child more) might be appropriate. After that, it's just obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With regard to #4, keep in mind that if we're talking about school-based teams the kids are, at a minimum, in 6th grade and probably older. A sixth grader might not be ready to independently ask the coach about playing time or position. A high-school student should be managing these things for him/herself. So yes, if your child is in sixth or seventh grade, a politely phrased question (e.g., what could my child do to earn more playing time, not why aren't you playing my child more) might be appropriate. After that, it's just obnoxious.

I think it's kind of over the top for a parent to ask about playing time for grade 6-7 teams; this is on the assumption that everybody gets playing time on such teams, though. Maybe that's incorrect, I have a limited range of observation (a few girl's sports).

[Anonymous]

When I was in 7th grade, I played on my middle school basketball team. While it was a small independent school where all the kids played on a team, the coach gave most practice reps and almost all of the game playing time to the 5 starters, and maybe 3-4 alternates (out of a team of around 15 kids). At that age and skill level, and in a school league where wins and losses were completely meaningless, this offended my very strong sense of what a middle school sports team should be: an opportunity for every kid on the team to learn the fundamentals of the sport and to compete. My parents did not intervene on my behalf. Rather, with my parents' implicit and teammates' explicit support, I went directly to the coach and demanded more equal practice and game time for every player. It was a terrifying experience for a 12 year old kid to go toe to toe with a coach three times my age, but that in itself was a valuable learning experience. I realize that parents want to grease the wheels for their kids, but the best lesson you can teach your kids is how to solve their own problems.

[Anonymous]

in my cultural no list is complete & comprehensive unless there're exactly ten items on it. i wish the coach would come back and provide one more for us

[Anonymous]

What sport do you coach OP? This doesn't sound real to me. It sounds like some do-gooder goody-goody trying to come up with a new topic on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

This was posted a year and a half ago so it is possible that the OP is not checking in.

Since it was posted in June I am going to guess a spring sport, so maybe lacrosse, softball or baseball.

As a parent of 2 HS athletes I totally agree with the points, with the exception of the cowbells/cheering. We've had people at soccer games with cowbells and vuvuzeulas. The vuvuzeulas are annoying as heck if you are near them, but the cowbells are fun (and these have always been on the opposing team so I'm not being defensive). And the kids actually really like it - it's like being at a DC United game. On the playing time point - I would never speak to the coach about this. In fact both my kids schools specifically have this as a policy. So does club soccer (actually these guidelines sound exactly like our club soccer guidelines).