For fun: Let's be the worst Thanksgiving ever

[Anonymous]

I'm your mom's third glass of white wine, after which she'll begin telling you how annoying your father has been since retirement.

[Anonymous]

Fox News on in the background 24/7, at a surprisingly high volume level because your parents can’t hear too well but are in denial about needing hearing aids.

[Anonymous]

Mine was alone in a chilly flat in grad school with a hungry man meal from stop and shop and a two channel broken tv for company because I couldn’t afford to fly home that year.

[Anonymous]

The conceit is, "I'm the..."

As in: "I'm the undercooked stuffing Aunt Hildy brings each year."

[Anonymous]

I'm the turkey that was cooked the day before and just hanging out on my sister's minivan roof but it's OK because it's in the garage and it's so cold these days.

[Anonymous]

I’d like to summarize in a haiku.

You see them rarely
One day won’t hurt, might be fun
Stop making that face!

[Anonymous]

I'm the host cat's puckery a-hole, up on the counters, winking at you while I plop myself down on eating surfaces.

[Anonymous]

I’m the poopy diaper that your SIL changed on the counter and then threw in the kitchen trash before washing her hands in the kitchen sink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine was alone in a chilly flat in grad school with a hungry man meal from stop and shop and a two channel broken tv for company because I couldn’t afford to fly home that year.

One year, my MIL gave everyone except me food poisoning bad enough to go to the ER, but berated me for being overly dramatic and not eating the funny-tasting food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d like to summarize in a haiku.

You see them rarely
One day won’t hurt, might be fun
Stop making that face!

Nope! They are racist!
And guess what? I am not white.
Yearly is too much.

[Anonymous]

I’m the toddler cousin who puked in front of the spread. You are 16 years old and have no say…all the adults decide to clean it up and carry on.

Every.One. Gets a stomach bug for the next three days. You puke so much you literally pass out on the staircase trying to go up from the basement guest room to find your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d like to summarize in a haiku.

You see them rarely
One day won’t hurt, might be fun
Stop making that face!

Mine are not coming
One of mine is borderline
So more ranch for me!

-Flip Driscoll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the toddler cousin who puked in front of the spread. You are 16 years old and have no say…all the adults decide to clean it up and carry on.

Every.One. Gets a stomach bug for the next three days. You puke so much you literally pass out on the staircase trying to go up from the basement guest room to find your mom.

Oh no, poor teen.

[Anonymous]

I’m the double mattress your ILs bought in 1985 and that you’re sharing with your spouse for the next 3 nights. I’m friends with the bathroom that 5 adults and 3 kids are sharing.

[Anonymous]

I am the hangover you deserve after going out with college friends on Thanksgiving Eve.

No Grandma, I am not pregnant. Just woefully hungover.