Estranged from parent and always triggered at work

[Anonymous]

I work in healthcare as a primary provider. I have really close relationships with most of my patients. I generally see 15-30 patients per day.
I have become estranged from my mother- mostly due to her extreme cruel judgement, critiquing, and total inability to be supportive at all (unless it’s writing a check- but at some point, that became not worth the guilt.) I have moved away from DC into a very popular area to move to. I have tons of patients that come in and as we get to know each other, just gush over their family, one member moved here, they couldn’t stay away from their grandchildren, they missed their daughter so much they moved here, etc. I have this conversation usually 2-4 times per day. Obviously I keep it completely professional but on the inside I’m just sooooo sad. It really takes its toll on me.
Has anyone had any success dealing with this? I’ve done therapy but I really didn’t feel like it helped with this. I know I’m uniquely situated in the having to reopen this wound what seems like a million times a week. Generally my patients will then reflect to me, or make comments like, “I know your parents feel the same way about your kids!” Actually, no, my mom told me she’s disappointed in the way she raised me on my wedding night and has told me she doesn’t really want to help with my kids ever, she has other things to do.
Of course, I’ve had the thanksgiving conversation every single patient this week and everyone can’t wait to tell me about their big get together.
Sigh. Help me stop wallowing.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

That's really hard and I feel for you. You know on one level that their joy and family relationships have nothing to do with you but it's hard to hear about it. There are others in your position but they are not talking about it.

Perhaps go to a new therapist and work on self-esteem or negative beliefs about self that are still getting in the way of healing? EMDR might help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it would help to know they may have difficulties with their families too. My family is far from perfect but I talk in positive way about them with everyone but closest friends because otherwise I burst into tears.

Someone who works for me toldmeonce what an amazing family I had. That was because Jackie joy told highlights

[Anonymous]

You're the one who initiated the estrangement, so you can't blame your mother for that. Maybe you miss her and estrangement was not the best way to handle things?

[Anonymous]

This happens to everyone who has an atypical lifestyle, OP. We face continual reminders that our way of life is not the "traditional", expected way of life.

So you'll just find a way to be OK with that.

[Anonymous]

I would re-engage with therapy; it really can help you develop an emotional boundary around these conversations to keep them in your 'work' brain and out of your 'personal' brain.

It's not a quick fix, and the pain of a parent being shitty is really, really deep, but that's where I woudl start.

[Anonymous]

Part of the problem is that you are a nice person. You like your patients and take an interest in them. They, in turn, feel safe and tell you about their family. Try to see that they trust and like you and not dwell on your own sadness. Don’t change OP.

[Anonymous]

You need to get back into therapy. This requires some really hard work, but you can do it. Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're the one who initiated the estrangement, so you can't blame your mother for that. Maybe you miss her and estrangement was not the best way to handle things?

Oh, I miss her every day. But at some point you have to realize that grieving someone harshly still outweighs constant emotional abuse especially around holidays/big events. I am a typical “lost child” who bears the brunt of a lot of familial issues. I am also the only one who moved away. My sister is her golden child who she worships. It’s too sad and difficult to be around.

[Anonymous]

OP, appreciate what you do have and not what you don't. My family is the same way and even though we are close by not even spending the holidays together. No big deal. We do the holidays our way and make it fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're the one who initiated the estrangement, so you can't blame your mother for that. Maybe you miss her and estrangement was not the best way to handle things?

Oh, I miss her every day. But at some point you have to realize that grieving someone harshly still outweighs constant emotional abuse especially around holidays/big events. I am a typical “lost child” who bears the brunt of a lot of familial issues. I am also the only one who moved away. My sister is her golden child who she worships. It’s too sad and difficult to be around.

I'm sorry. I'm the PP you responded to. I actually was shocked (and hurt) as a young adult when I started working around adults with children, and realized how much they adored them, how much they talked about them -- how much they knew them. They knew what they were up to, what they liked and didn't like, who their friends were, etc. My mom basically knew nothing about me and couldn't care less. It was a rude and painful awakening to hear people talk about their kids like they loved them. Hugs, PP.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's easier to tell people that parents of this kind are deceased.

[Anonymous]

I get it. And I know it hurts. I would go back to therapy, as others have suggested. But I'd also start building a family where you are -- a family of friends. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does take some work, and it's worth working on.

Also, realize that some of those patients are lying to you. Probably lying to themselves. Not all. But some. Everybody is carrying some pain, somewhere. Try not to idealize what a 10 minute conversation holds.

[Anonymous]

Two tracks here, OP.

First: more therapy.

Second: Time to start lying, truly.

I am in the same boat. It took me a long time to learn the best answer is something like: "My mom's in Texas. I don't miss wearing shorts and sweating on Christmas! Love the BBQ though." blah blah blah

[Anonymous]

OP I so relate and I think we have the same mother. I am so glad I built a loving relationship with my husband and kids. They are amazing and she could care less about them too.

It's funny because I am not close with one of my sisters at all. She hated me from birth and went out of her way to do mean things. I had no problem telling people we weren't close when asked.

When enough stress hit, I drifted from my mother because I could no longer bend over backward to please her and I was just sick of the guilt trips and rage and criticism and insults. It is much harder for me to admit we aren't close and I think it's because I tried for decades to be lovable to her. I accepted my sister didn't care about me because I was close to my other sister and brother. It's different with a mom.

So when people ask, it triggers me, but I just detach and say we had a lovely holiday....which we do without her. My sister I am close with is abroad and my brother passed away. It's just a hard question and I dread the whole thing, but I put on a smile and fake it.