Not to tell children/family that I am out of job?

[Anonymous]

I am actively looking for a job now. In the mean time, I decide not to tell our children that I don't have a job. And, I don't think they would find out if I don't tell them so since they attend school and after care.

I hope that I can find a job soon or else we may cut expenses or change our lifestyle if I am out of job for too long. DH does not make enough to maintain our lifestyle solely on his income even though we are not a big spender.

Holiday is coming, and I plan to hide this news from families as well. It will just cause all unnecessary anxieties and sadness because they won't be able to help.

Am I doing a right thing? For hiding this news to children/family?

[Anonymous]

I see nothing wrong with it for now, especially leading up to the Holidays, as long as DH knows. If you still don't have a job in the new year, then you can decide how much everyone needs to know.

[Anonymous]

It's mental to lie to your kids. Do they have money anxiety?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know your family, how old your kids are, or what their concerns might be. I would tell the kids in a straight forward way - that you’re not working at your job anymore and you’re looking for a new one. At a later point, there might be some advantages (so we can go skating on school holidays) and disadvantages (so we need to be more careful about spending) that get discussed as well.

If the kids know, then I think you might have to tell your family, because the kids shouldn’t have to have the stress of keeping this news a secret.
A plus might be that a family member might directly or indirectly connect you with job opportunities.

Having said all of that, if there is something potentially noxious that would keep you from telling your family, it’s definitely worth re-thinking everything I’ve said. My biggest concern about not telling the kids is that they might pick up tensions or secrets and either feel anxious or even blame themselves for something that is straightforward information—if you present it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's mental to lie to your kids. Do they have money anxiety?

I had a parent who felt the need to share everything good and bad. No thanks. At younger ages the brain hardly knows how to process all the stressful adult situations parents find themselves in.

As an adult, I tell my kids info on a need to know basis.

[Anonymous]

Depends on how old your children are. If they're 7, I could see the argument for not telling. If they're teens, I think you're doing them a disservice. Life is hard, it includes setbacks, I don't know ANY adults who haven't dealt with a period of unemployment. You're trying to raise adults, and I think leading by example here is very valuable. Yes, this thing has happened. Yes, it's sad and a bit scary. Yes, I will handle it, there is no need for you to worry. Yes, job searching is hard, but I can do hard things.

And then when they face these challenges as an adult, they've seen the kind of attitude and resilience and hard work that will get them through it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't want to pull them out from aftercare because they (early ES kid and preschooler) loves their aftercare even though they are not cheap ($1k for both aftercare only, additional $1.5k for 1 kid's daycare). It is a stress for me to keep them at home and I don't want them to see my sadness and anxieties. I just don't want to destroy their routine and I hope that I don't have crush their happy childhood. They are expecting their birthday gifts and santa gifts and I don't want to make any changes for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on how old your children are. If they're 7, I could see the argument for not telling. If they're teens, I think you're doing them a disservice. Life is hard, it includes setbacks, I don't know ANY adults who haven't dealt with a period of unemployment. You're trying to raise adults, and I think leading by example here is very valuable. Yes, this thing has happened. Yes, it's sad and a bit scary. Yes, I will handle it, there is no need for you to worry. Yes, job searching is hard, but I can do hard things.

And then when they face these challenges as an adult, they've seen the kind of attitude and resilience and hard work that will get them through it.

Agree. I don't see any point of lying to your family and relatives. Just be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't want to pull them out from aftercare because they (early ES kid and preschooler) loves their aftercare even though they are not cheap ($1k for both aftercare only, additional $1.5k for 1 kid's daycare). It is a stress for me to keep them at home and I don't want them to see my sadness and anxieties. I just don't want to destroy their routine and I hope that I don't have crush their happy childhood. They are expecting their birthday gifts and santa gifts and I don't want to make any changes for now.

$2.5k would pretty well cover Santa gifts. I would leave the baby in daycare and pull the others out of aftercare until the new year. You can job search during school hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see nothing wrong with it for now, especially leading up to the Holidays, as long as DH knows. If you still don't have a job in the new year, then you can decide how much everyone needs to know.

+1 If you tell the children, then they may worry. This is not something they should worry about because they are children and there isn't anything they can do to help with it. In the meantime, control expenses as much as possible and cut out what you can so that you can stretch your money further.

Good luck, OP. I hope you find a good job soon!

[Anonymous]

I think whatever you want/need to do for your sanity and/or to help your job search is fine. I did want to ask, though, are you sure your friends/family are not in a position to help you find a job? Depending on your network, it can be an amazing resource, so I would just say don't overlook that. Of course, if they are all a bunch of nutjobs....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see nothing wrong with it for now, especially leading up to the Holidays, as long as DH knows. If you still don't have a job in the new year, then you can decide how much everyone needs to know.

+1 If you tell the children, then they may worry. This is not something they should worry about because they are children and there isn't anything they can do to help with it. In the meantime, control expenses as much as possible and cut out what you can so that you can stretch your money further.

Good luck, OP. I hope you find a good job soon!

This truly is the answer for ES and preschooler. Keep your current schedule with daycare and gifts, but cut everywhere else you can. Apply, apply, apply. Revisit sharing the info in the new year after the holidays are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think whatever you want/need to do for your sanity and/or to help your job search is fine. I did want to ask, though, are you sure your friends/family are not in a position to help you find a job? Depending on your network, it can be an amazing resource, so I would just say don't overlook that. Of course, if they are all a bunch of nutjobs....

I'm a PP who votes for telling only DH until after the holidays. However, this would be an exception--if you have family who can help. I've never had family who could help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see nothing wrong with it for now, especially leading up to the Holidays, as long as DH knows. If you still don't have a job in the new year, then you can decide how much everyone needs to know.

+1 If you tell the children, then they may worry. This is not something they should worry about because they are children and there isn't anything they can do to help with it. In the meantime, control expenses as much as possible and cut out what you can so that you can stretch your money further.

Good luck, OP. I hope you find a good job soon!

This truly is the answer for ES and preschooler. Keep your current schedule with daycare and gifts, but cut everywhere else you can. Apply, apply, apply. Revisit sharing the info in the new year after the holidays are over.

+1 For these. Maintain your structure and routines for your little ones. Don't let them get caught up in the stress. They cannot do anything to help you find a job and you don't need them becoming stressed out and anxious on top of everything else you are going through.

In the meantime, cut everything you can and apply for jobs like crazy. Also, use your network of family and friends as much as possible but be sure to tell them that you aren't telling the kids because you don't want the kids to worry.

[Anonymous]

I agree no need to tell ES and below. However my DH is in a volatile field (high tech start ups) and is in between jobs every 2-3 years. He is a high earner and we live very modestly so this is no big deal - we have literal years worth of savings. By the time my oldest got to MS, she started to pick up on it more and we didn't want to lie to her since she is mature. So we told her the truthd but assured it her it was no big deal, we were not worried, money was fine, and nothing was changing. They could tell by our tones that it was okay. So this is just to say that yes kids of a certain age CAN handle it without worrying and often like to be included rather than excluded. Obviously, know your own child.