How do you model something when it wasn’t modeled to you?

[Anonymous]

When I was growing up I felt my mother was just not supportive of, the best way I can describe it, my academic/social growth. In hindsight, I think she had a lot of anxiety herself that perhaps she projected, but also, she was busy herself (I grew up in a blue collar home with overworked, tired parents.)

I was not encouraged to do anything other than coast along. Sports were not encouraged because they were expensive and required time (transportation, etc.) Learning instruments wasn’t encouraged because of the cost. She did try her best, I acknowledge that, but I definitely didn’t feel encouragement in anything other than not causing her trouble, which I always seemed to do despite my efforts. Maybe it was the only attention I received?

As a parent myself I find that while I do encourage my children, it feels foreign, and I feel like a fraud. I have time to volunteer not only in school but in extracurriculars. They absolutely loved it in early elementary school, not so much as tweens now, lol.

But here’s the latest problem: I feel like a fraud, and like I don’t know what to do. Latest example:

My DD11 came home and said she was considering running for student council. I got very excited for her. Her teacher at conferences mentioned how she rallies and cares for her classmates and I couldn’t have been more proud. She even spearheaded a candy gram fundraiser with some friends, and I was so proud. I pointed out all of these qualities to her and told her I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity, but I didn’t know how to model that encouragement any more than that. I tried my best, but I just felt like a fraud, a failure. In the end she said she didn’t want to run because she was scared to speak in front of the whole school. I’m plagued by what I could have said or done differently to encourage and support her.

How do you model something when it wasn’t modeled to you? Help!

[Anonymous]

You are really over the top with the anxiety there. What you did was fine. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Don't parent yourself through your daughter. Don't put any pressure on her. And go to therapy for yourself

[Anonymous]

I think what you did was great, but also I think you could look into PEP classes (parent encouragement program)-- those are the best opportunities I know of for people who want to consciously improve their parenting.

[Anonymous]

You are doing fine. No parents are perfect.

Re: your DD, you could get her talking about what bothers her about speaking to the whole school. Maybe in her conversation, she may realize that maybe it is not that scary, or is worth a try. But ultimately, you can only offer aid. The decision to take it is hers

[Anonymous]

A lot of us who didn't have parents who squelched our enthusiasm also didn't have parents who were nonstop gushing cheerleaders. Don't think of your job as boosterism -- focus on talking to them. Find out why they're interested in what they're interested in. Get to know your own kids. Having parents who are interested in you as a person (not in your achievements) is the biggest boost a kid gets.

[Anonymous]

I think what you did was great. I can relate because I had poor parenting models and I'm having to rewrite the script too. Here is where I get some of my models for how I now parent:

- Friends parents, both from growing up and then now. This is part of how I figured out that my family was dysfunctional, by observing other people's families and noticing that they seemed to like each other and support each other, instead of being constantly rude and sarcastic and undermining of one another all the time. I will sometimes channel specific parents I knew growing up, especially one friend's mom who was also a teacher at my high school, so I got to know her more than one way. I'll think of how those parents might respond to their kids or offer support and love to their kids.

- Read lots of parenting books. I read them all. I don't take every single piece of advice but I find that just reading these books and thinking about what they are saying helps me to feel more confident in my approach. The two I've found most helpful are How to Talk so Kids Will Listen... And Listen so Kids Will Talk (this book is the best, I think you will like it a lot because it will make total sense based on your own childhood experience -- it will explain clearly WHY you didn't feel supported or encouraged by your mom and give you ideas for how to change that pattern), and, weirdly, The Danish Way of Parenting. The latter book is a really quick read and not super specific. I'm not Danish and got this book for free for a little free library but it wound up being great. I actually like that it's not super detailed. It just talks more generally about how Danish parents approach communication and creating a supportive, comforting environment for kids. Like it's harder for me to say what specific thing from this book resonated, it's more like I read it and thought "yeah, that's my general parenting philosophy." It made me feel more confident in what I was already doing by presenting it as a unified idea.

I know it's hard sometimes. I have moments when I feel pretty adrift too, because most of my memories of my childhood are sad or stressful, and as you parent your child over the years, it becomes really depressing to realize how poorly you were parented. But when this happens, I remind myself that I'm a chain breaker and that I'm giving my daughter a gift she can carry with her the rest of her life. I'm sure I'm not perfect and I'm sure there's stuff I'm messing up and she'll remember later with sadness. But I also know for sure that she'll remember how much I love her, how I cheered her on and supported her, how I clearly wanted her to be her own person and was willing to support the person she chose to be. No matter what, she'll have some good memories to look back on that might serve as a positive model in her own parenting, if she chooses to become a parent, one day. And that's already a huge victory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of us who didn't have parents who squelched our enthusiasm also didn't have parents who were nonstop gushing cheerleaders. Don't think of your job as boosterism -- focus on talking to them. Find out why they're interested in what they're interested in. Get to know your own kids. Having parents who are interested in you as a person (not in your achievements) is the biggest boost a kid gets.

This is great advice. OP, the most encouraging thing you can do for your kids is be genuinely interested in their activities and interests. You don't need to push your DD to run for student government, you just need to talk to her about the fact that she wants to, listen when she tells you about, and provide any support she asks you for.

[Anonymous]

I had poor parenting models, too. My parents were both raised poor, didn't even start college, and so had no clue how to help us achieve things in school or sports, but they did pass on a very strong work ethic. My siblings and I ended up going to T20 schools and we all have professional jobs despite almost no parental guidance. I think we are a stunted emotionally relative to our now peers. I was a bit envious that their parents could give them solid relationship and career advice.

To answer the direct question, I read a lot of parenting books and follow scripts with regard to certain parenting issues as they arise.

[Anonymous]

You're overthinking things here. Nobody modeled for me how to do my profession, and I just do it. You're not a fraud - you're a person doing things you've never done before.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. I was raised by a dad that grew up in an orphanage and was never adopted. He literally had never seen a familial let alone parent-child relationship or interaction before and so much of his trauma was past down to me. It takes SUCH a conscious effort to retrain my brain for my own kids. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

My whole generation (and culture) was like that. Parents stayed out of kids' business and vice versa. It helped that all parents were like that, all. Don't put pressure on yourself because other parents do it differently.
We all turned out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of us who didn't have parents who squelched our enthusiasm also didn't have parents who were nonstop gushing cheerleaders. Don't think of your job as boosterism -- focus on talking to them. Find out why they're interested in what they're interested in. Get to know your own kids. Having parents who are interested in you as a person (not in your achievements) is the biggest boost a kid gets.

Exactly. My parents encouraged, but they were not cheerleaders in my life. Sometimes they forced me to do things, sometimes they didn't. There was no "rah rah you are so wonderful" chorus going on. I was loved, we had a happy home, we had not only enough money but enough to do plenty of extras. Our family members were similar (no one in dire straits).

[Anonymous]

If you are a self-aware and educated person, you can learn to model good parenting. Remember also that one size does not fit all children. You may have to parent different kids differently. You have to meet their needs and make sure that they have the opportunity to grow up to be happy, well adjusted adults who meet their potential.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy