Restoring spark in marriage

[Anonymous]

For those of couples in sexless marriage, what helped you to improve this?
Let’s not talk about divorce, open marriage this time as we had enough of those posts. Share your tips, practical suggestions for people who want to save their marriage and improve their marriage

[Anonymous]

Schedule sex.

[Anonymous]

In dire need of a relight as well.

[Anonymous]

How did you get to this point? How was the marriage before it became sexless? Do you know what each like? Turn ons? Gotta communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you get to this point? How was the marriage before it became sexless? Do you know what each like? Turn ons? Gotta communicate.

Above is good advice. Is the rest of the marriage good, OP? You like each other as people, you talk about your interests, share the same sense of humor, don't get into petty huffs over little domestic stuff? Just checking. If the issue is "I love my spouse, spouse loves me, we just don't have sex much/at all" BUT you did previously: What changed? Kids? Jobs? More hours spent on kids/hauling kids places/making dinner/work etc.? Sit down and actually think about what has started to consume time and energy you would have spent on each other.

Then, as a PP said: Schedule sex! I know it sounds like the least romantic, least arousing thing ever, but it is a place to begin. And if your spouse (or you) says, "But...that feels like pressure to perform," then schedule a time for something else that could lead to sex but there won't be so much pressure if it doesn't. Get the kids (if any) out of the house, or you and spouse get a sitter and go to a hotel (it can help to be in an anonymous, neutral place --helps you not feel distracted by the bedroom needing tidying up, or the sound of the kids getting out of bed, etc.). Then plan to have a shower together and/or watch something sexy on TV or whatever.

Also, if you can't get away or get the kids away -- have you tried switching up the times you usually have/had sex? For years we had sex at night before bed. Never super. Then we realized: Mornings as we woke up were MUCH better for us both. Started waking up earlier, then didn't even need to do that, we began waking anyway and moving into sex increasingly easily. All with simply switching from bedtimes to mornings.

Does your spouse need a lot of cuddling, leading to foreplay, etc. to get going? Do you? Or does one of you, or both of you, go from zero to 100 quickly if the circumstances are right? (Or rather, did you, before things petered out?) You have to talk about all this as a couple. Like the PP says: Does each of you know--really know--what the other likes and what's a turn on? Not from years ago -- now. Things change. Also: Is your definition of "sex" basically PIV ending in orgasm for you both, every time? Rethink that, both the technique and the end game. Sometimes it can be, let's say (not getting explicit), one of you having a happy ending, and that's fine, especially if the other enjoys giving pleasure. And so on. Mix. Things. Up.

We are a strong couple (married 26 years) and get along as people very well, but weren't having much sex at all. And both of us were OK with it, mostly. Super busy. But something flipped my switch a couple of years ago and I started initiating, and we made the commitment to try mornings, and things have improved infinitely. We both talked and made a commitment to having sex more often, period. I know -- easy to say, difficult to do. But it takes effort and a willingness to talk about sex and preferences very openly. I suspect a lot of couples don't want to get very explicit about what they want, even with a spouse. But it's essential, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get to this point? How was the marriage before it became sexless? Do you know what each like? Turn ons? Gotta communicate.

Above is good advice. Is the rest of the marriage good, OP? You like each other as people, you talk about your interests, share the same sense of humor, don't get into petty huffs over little domestic stuff? Just checking. If the issue is "I love my spouse, spouse loves me, we just don't have sex much/at all" BUT you did previously: What changed? Kids? Jobs? More hours spent on kids/hauling kids places/making dinner/work etc.? Sit down and actually think about what has started to consume time and energy you would have spent on each other.

Then, as a PP said: Schedule sex! I know it sounds like the least romantic, least arousing thing ever, but it is a place to begin. And if your spouse (or you) says, "But...that feels like pressure to perform," then schedule a time for something else that could lead to sex but there won't be so much pressure if it doesn't. Get the kids (if any) out of the house, or you and spouse get a sitter and go to a hotel (it can help to be in an anonymous, neutral place --helps you not feel distracted by the bedroom needing tidying up, or the sound of the kids getting out of bed, etc.). Then plan to have a shower together and/or watch something sexy on TV or whatever.

Also, if you can't get away or get the kids away -- have you tried switching up the times you usually have/had sex? For years we had sex at night before bed. Never super. Then we realized: Mornings as we woke up were MUCH better for us both. Started waking up earlier, then didn't even need to do that, we began waking anyway and moving into sex increasingly easily. All with simply switching from bedtimes to mornings.

Does your spouse need a lot of cuddling, leading to foreplay, etc. to get going? Do you? Or does one of you, or both of you, go from zero to 100 quickly if the circumstances are right? (Or rather, did you, before things petered out?) You have to talk about all this as a couple. Like the PP says: Does each of you know--really know--what the other likes and what's a turn on? Not from years ago -- now. Things change. Also: Is your definition of "sex" basically PIV ending in orgasm for you both, every time? Rethink that, both the technique and the end game. Sometimes it can be, let's say (not getting explicit), one of you having a happy ending, and that's fine, especially if the other enjoys giving pleasure. And so on. Mix. Things. Up.

We are a strong couple (married 26 years) and get along as people very well, but weren't having much sex at all. And both of us were OK with it, mostly. Super busy. But something flipped my switch a couple of years ago and I started initiating, and we made the commitment to try mornings, and things have improved infinitely. We both talked and made a commitment to having sex more often, period. I know -- easy to say, difficult to do. But it takes effort and a willingness to talk about sex and preferences very openly. I suspect a lot of couples don't want to get very explicit about what they want, even with a spouse. But it's essential, IMHO.

This is helpful. Our marriage is good otherwise. Just like many other couples who are busy with work, kids and going through perimenopause, frequency of sex has decreased overtime. Sex has not been our priority. Thanks for the tips

[Anonymous]

Have DH take TRT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have DH take TRT

Wow, someone can diagnose low T over the internet without seeing the DH! Magical. Show us your medical degree, PP. We'll wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you get to this point? How was the marriage before it became sexless? Do you know what each like? Turn ons? Gotta communicate.

Above is good advice. Is the rest of the marriage good, OP? You like each other as people, you talk about your interests, share the same sense of humor, don't get into petty huffs over little domestic stuff? Just checking. If the issue is "I love my spouse, spouse loves me, we just don't have sex much/at all" BUT you did previously: What changed? Kids? Jobs? More hours spent on kids/hauling kids places/making dinner/work etc.? Sit down and actually think about what has started to consume time and energy you would have spent on each other.

Then, as a PP said: Schedule sex! I know it sounds like the least romantic, least arousing thing ever, but it is a place to begin. And if your spouse (or you) says, "But...that feels like pressure to perform," then schedule a time for something else that could lead to sex but there won't be so much pressure if it doesn't. Get the kids (if any) out of the house, or you and spouse get a sitter and go to a hotel (it can help to be in an anonymous, neutral place --helps you not feel distracted by the bedroom needing tidying up, or the sound of the kids getting out of bed, etc.). Then plan to have a shower together and/or watch something sexy on TV or whatever.

Also, if you can't get away or get the kids away -- have you tried switching up the times you usually have/had sex? For years we had sex at night before bed. Never super. Then we realized: Mornings as we woke up were MUCH better for us both. Started waking up earlier, then didn't even need to do that, we began waking anyway and moving into sex increasingly easily. All with simply switching from bedtimes to mornings.

Does your spouse need a lot of cuddling, leading to foreplay, etc. to get going? Do you? Or does one of you, or both of you, go from zero to 100 quickly if the circumstances are right? (Or rather, did you, before things petered out?) You have to talk about all this as a couple. Like the PP says: Does each of you know--really know--what the other likes and what's a turn on? Not from years ago -- now. Things change. Also: Is your definition of "sex" basically PIV ending in orgasm for you both, every time? Rethink that, both the technique and the end game. Sometimes it can be, let's say (not getting explicit), one of you having a happy ending, and that's fine, especially if the other enjoys giving pleasure. And so on. Mix. Things. Up.

We are a strong couple (married 26 years) and get along as people very well, but weren't having much sex at all. And both of us were OK with it, mostly. Super busy. But something flipped my switch a couple of years ago and I started initiating, and we made the commitment to try mornings, and things have improved infinitely. We both talked and made a commitment to having sex more often, period. I know -- easy to say, difficult to do. But it takes effort and a willingness to talk about sex and preferences very openly. I suspect a lot of couples don't want to get very explicit about what they want, even with a spouse. But it's essential, IMHO.

This is helpful. Our marriage is good otherwise. Just like many other couples who are busy with work, kids and going through perimenopause, frequency of sex has decreased overtime. Sex has not been our priority. Thanks for the tips

You're very welcome, OP. One other point -- I post this here at times -- if you are in perimenopause, are you still on hormonal birth control? When the time comes you can get off of hormonal BC, you might find your libido increases. One side effect of hormonal BC (the pill etc.) can be, for some women, suppressed libido. Doctors don't always make that clear, either. If you are still on BC, be sure you talk to your doctor about being on the lowest effective dose. And be aware that maybe you're one of the women for whom BC does have this side effect. I realized that it actually had probably suppressed my libido for many years. Menopause was frankly one of the best things to happen to our sex life, ever. I'm NOT saying BC is definitely an issue for you; it isn't an issue for every woman on BC. But I've found it's not something lots of women realize can take a real toll on their libidos. Over and out, end of PSA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have DH take TRT

Wow, someone can diagnose low T over the internet without seeing the DH! Magical. Show us your medical degree, PP. We'll wait.

You sound miserable OP. Just get a divorce and let the poor man move on.

[Anonymous]

The older your kids get, the later they will stay up.

If you insist on waiting “until the kids are asleep,” well, you can see where that leads.

Plan. Meet over lunch hour. Send kids on a sleepover at a friends or Grandmas.

But make “it” a priority. Your marriage could depend on regular “it.”

Also: try something outside your comfort zone. Something wild and crazy (whatever that means for you).

[Anonymous]

Make it a priority.

Or don’t.

That’s how you ended up here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older your kids get, the later they will stay up.

If you insist on waiting “until the kids are asleep,” well, you can see where that leads.

Plan. Meet over lunch hour. Send kids on a sleepover at a friends or Grandmas.

But make “it” a priority. Your marriage could depend on regular “it.”

Also: try something outside your comfort zone. Something wild and crazy (whatever that means for you).

^^ Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Like so much in life, we often can't control things that happen. But we can totally control how we look at them.

Get a broader understanding of intimacy and the history of your sexual relationship with your spouse. Understand that what worked when you were in your 20s and 30s may not work now. Bodies change, and you have a lot of history together.

Here's a very good book for starting this thinking process: Couple Sexuality After 60, by Marry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy. Read it together and discuss.

Communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have DH take TRT

Wow, someone can diagnose low T over the internet without seeing the DH! Magical. Show us your medical degree, PP. We'll wait.

You sound miserable OP. Just get a divorce and let the poor man move on.

You're not responding to OP; I'm not her. But you go right on dispsensing meaningless advice. You didn't even read the OP's post. She said divorce, open marriage etc. is not on the table and they are happy as a couple but need to work on sex. Maybe you need to work on reading comprehension and losing the snark.