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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How did you get to this point? How was the marriage before it became sexless? Do you know what each like? Turn ons? Gotta communicate. [/quote]

Above is good advice. Is the rest of the marriage good, OP? You like each other as people, you talk about your interests, share the same sense of humor, don't get into petty huffs over little domestic stuff? Just checking. If the issue is "I love my spouse, spouse loves me, we just don't have sex much/at all" BUT you did previously: What changed? Kids? Jobs? More hours spent on kids/hauling kids places/making dinner/work etc.? Sit down and actually think about what has started to consume time and energy you would have spent on each other.

Then, as a PP said: Schedule sex! I know it sounds like the least romantic, least arousing thing ever, but it is a place to begin. And if your spouse (or you) says, "But...that feels like pressure to perform," then schedule a time for something else that could lead to sex but there won't be so much pressure if it doesn't. Get the kids (if any) out of the house, or you and spouse get a sitter and go to a hotel (it can help to be in an anonymous, neutral place --helps you not feel distracted by the bedroom needing tidying up, or the sound of the kids getting out of bed, etc.). Then plan to have a shower together and/or watch something sexy on TV or whatever.

Also, if you can't get away or get the kids away -- have you tried switching up the times you usually have/had sex? For years we had sex at night before bed. Never super. Then we realized: Mornings as we woke up were MUCH better for us both. Started waking up earlier, then didn't even need to do that, we began waking anyway and moving into sex increasingly easily. All with simply switching from bedtimes to mornings.

Does your spouse need a lot of cuddling, leading to foreplay, etc. to get going? Do you? Or does one of you, or both of you, go from zero to 100 quickly if the circumstances are right? (Or rather, did you, before things petered out?) You have to talk about all this as a couple. Like the PP says: Does each of you know--really know--what the other likes and what's a turn on? Not from years ago -- now. Things change. Also: Is your definition of "sex" basically PIV ending in orgasm for you both, every time? Rethink that, both the technique and the end game. Sometimes it can be, let's say (not getting explicit), one of you having a happy ending, and that's fine, especially if the other enjoys giving pleasure. And so on. Mix. Things. Up.

We are a strong couple (married 26 years) and get along as people very well, but weren't having much sex at all. And both of us were OK with it, mostly. Super busy. But something flipped my switch a couple of years ago and I started initiating, and we made the commitment to try mornings, and things have improved infinitely. We both talked and made a commitment to having sex more often, period. I know -- easy to say, difficult to do. But it takes effort and a willingness to talk about sex and preferences very openly. I suspect a lot of couples don't want to get very explicit about what they want, even with a spouse. But it's essential, IMHO.[/quote]

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