How long did it take your parent(s) to pull the trigger on independent living?

[Anonymous]

My 89 year old dad and I have viewed 5 very nice independent living facilities and he now knows which one is his choice. However, he's in no rush to make the move or even apply. To be fair, he's healthy, robust for his age, and fully functioning. But I can't help but think this is the best time to make a move. Why wait and have to apply when you risk not being healthy enough to get in? What is your experience with your parents? Any tips?

[Anonymous]

When my mom fell and had a hip replacement, it was too much for them to go back to a townhouse on Cape Cod when siblings lived in Boston area. So they moved to an independent living in a CCRC within 10 minutes of two brothers and in the area of three other siblings.
My dad had been able to provide care for my mother who had memory issues and being in a CCRC, she was able to move to memory care the final year of her life. My dad was unusual in that he had cognitive skills intact until he passed a year ago a few months at 99. It did take my siblings putting down their foot that moving closer and to a more accessible place was necessary. Dad did not like it in general because there were few men. But he was always independent and did his local shopping, prepared healthy breakfast and lunch for them with one meal provided daily. The daily check-in is also reassuring to relatives for those who will not wear a Medic Alert item. He had his independence as he drove very locally until 98. I will say having a unit with an outside patio or porch can be key to be sure a parent still got easy access to the outside and their mental health.

It is key to have one close if you can as one ages, there will be doctor visits to deal with, checking in on folks at a CCRC etc. My folks had a good quality of life in their 90s due to the support provided by local siblings and this can take many shapes such as taking one out to their home, dropping by or taking out for breakfast or lunch, taking one out for a drive etc. or calling. I remember when Covid hit, one brother would pick him up and go to a McDonald's drive-through, eat in the car and take dad on a drive through various sections of Boston, and I do not think he had ever been to McDonald's before, but how he raved about their fish sandwich! So short answer is that it is better to have one transition to a new living situation - condo, apartment, CCRC etc. while one is in better health and can be engaged in the actual move. Realistically, it was made while my mother was in rehab and choosing the place, furnishing it, setting it up within a week --- and it took all five locally to do this which, of course, is not the usual case.

[Anonymous]

Y mom took 6 years from first conversations and a tour to when she finally agreed. Exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Moving is hard. But also, independent living ended up being kind of a waste for my MIL. She had an OK experience for the few years she was there, but when she needed more care, the care available in assisted living was poor because of staffing issues, and she didn't really retain her friendships from independent living (partly because she was declining, partly because they were, partly because moving to a new building made it hard). It ended up being a very unhappy situation, she had to move within the community a few times, and each time she became more disoriented. She would have been better off staying in her original living situation and then moving to assisted living somewhere (near us) when needed.

[Anonymous]

IME, they do not have the energy to cope with organizing the move. Someone else has to do it. They can choose what gets moved and you do the rest. The inertia is worse if they have to switch any doctors.

[Anonymous]

I started talking to them seriously around 2015. Dad was 72, Mom was 75. In 2017 or 2018, I insisted we look at some facilities and get on the waitlist for one of them. Which they did, but still said they weren’t going to move.

In 2020, at the beginning of the pandemic, my Mom started physically abusing my Dad because of her dementia. She still didn’t want to move, but my Dad realized they had to move.
I took care of everything. Hired some people to help with downsizing. Hired people to fix up little things and do the roof. Dealt with Realtor and CCRC people. Bought things they needed for their new apartment (with their money).
My Mom didn’t want to move. And any talk of moving caused her to take it out on my Dad. So we kept as much hidden from her as possible.

My parents went to my house. I stayed back at their house. Movers packed everything, moved it to their CCRC. Then I hired some people to help me unpack. (Did about 80%) Then surprised my Mom with her new apartment.
She wasn’t happy, but there was no choice. Having them close and getting them doctors that specialize in Geriatrics was a blessing.

Dad admits being closer to me and DS, and not having to deal with a house, was a good choice. Especially since they quickly went downhill and I needed to help them a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you want to share more? Share more about this plan for if/when he needs more care. Independent Living has it's advantages, social advantages to living alone. At 89 though, you will want to know that his likely-soon medical/assisted living needs can be met.

[Anonymous]

OP - Yes it is important to have a knowledge of a parent(s) financial situation and what they can afford in the short and. Also, it is important to even get legal help in reading through the contract specifics, especially if their are options on buy-in packages for medical care "for a lifetime'" advertized and/or information that if one's funds would run out that their entrance package guaranteed lifetime care. Another aspect is to realize what any guarantee of say a skilled nursing bed really means --- since if they are filled already and you have a need to such a bed what happens? Just do not be afraid to ask for help in looking at what can be a complicated contract. Also, be clear on how assessments are done as to when an individual may be told one does not qualify for Independent or Assisted Living unless one brings in extra help etc.

[Anonymous]

We knew we did not want a CCRC, so we pay month to month for AL. I want the place to have to work for the business a bit.