Unwanted gifts

[Anonymous]

What do you say when you don't want gifts, and don't want to reciprocate giving gifts, but feel the giver will be offended or unwanting to accept the boundary.

The gifts are usually stuff I don't like, want or need, so I end up tossing or donating but feel bad they don't see me using the gifts or see the gifts they've given me in my home.

I like buying gifts sometimes and choosing things that are thoughtful or consumable, or replaceables for things I know they use, in brands I know they like.

Are gifts something I have to deal with for the sake of relationships? Is it rude to ask to be left out of gift giving or exchanges? Often it's a same gift for each aunt/cousin/sister over 25 or so, about $15-20, for any occasion (Christmas, Mothers Day, Valentines day, etc)

[Anonymous]

Now, with all that is going on with our environment the entiquette has finally changed. You simply state you value people over gifts, you no longer want to do gift exchanges and you don't want to contribute to environmental issues. You do it politely. If you truly love them, let them know and if you truly enjoy their company let them know and make it clear that is the gift.

Don't be surprised if they ignore you. You can say "no thank you" when presented with a gift. The pearl clutchers will gasp, but it is not a gift. You have made it clear you don't want anymore stuff. Now it is an imposition and a boundary violation. It's not your job to find a place to donate or to throw it out and add to the landfill. You said no.

[Anonymous]

1) You should always graciously accept a gift, unless it’s wildly inappropriate.

2) Once it’s yours, you don’t have to keep it.

3) You do not need to reciprocate gifts.

4) You may decide to keep/display gifts and/or reciprocate even if you don’t want to because you think it will strengthen the relationship.


I mostly hate gifts too. It’s just something you have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

I did this when my kids and their cousins were high school age. By then, the kids only wanted gift cards or expensive electronics. We still did the holiday meals but didn’t participate in the gift exchange. To make it fair, we did this on both sides of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now, with all that is going on with our environment the entiquette has finally changed. You simply state you value people over gifts, you no longer want to do gift exchanges and you don't want to contribute to environmental issues. You do it politely. If you truly love them, let them know and if you truly enjoy their company let them know and make it clear that is the gift.

Don't be surprised if they ignore you. You can say "no thank you" when presented with a gift. The pearl clutchers will gasp, but it is not a gift. You have made it clear you don't want anymore stuff. Now it is an imposition and a boundary violation. It's not your job to find a place to donate or to throw it out and add to the landfill. You said no.

I’m sorry, this is bonkers. I’m a person who hates gifts but “boundaries” are not an excuse to be rude and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now, with all that is going on with our environment the entiquette has finally changed. You simply state you value people over gifts, you no longer want to do gift exchanges and you don't want to contribute to environmental issues. You do it politely. If you truly love them, let them know and if you truly enjoy their company let them know and make it clear that is the gift.

Don't be surprised if they ignore you. You can say "no thank you" when presented with a gift. The pearl clutchers will gasp, but it is not a gift. You have made it clear you don't want anymore stuff. Now it is an imposition and a boundary violation. It's not your job to find a place to donate or to throw it out and add to the landfill. You said no.

I’m sorry, this is bonkers. I’m a person who hates gifts but “boundaries” are not an excuse to be rude and selfish.

If someone asks you to stop giving gifts, it is rude to give a gift. Hugs are nice. If I tell you, I don't want hugs, you need to respect that. It doesn't matter if it makes you feel warm and fuzzy to give hugs.

It's creepy to insist on giving gifts when someone asks you to stop. It is selfish to impose your will on others. Why would you want someone having to drive around and find a place willing to take your "gift." It is downright gross to expect someone to be throw it out and add to pollution. Just save your money and be kind and respect boundaries.

[Anonymous]

It is interesting to see how people react. Our chill family who we really enjoy spending time with were totally fine with it and didn't even miss a beat. We enjoy get-tgethers with them and nobody feels like something is missing. In fact, we comment about how nice it is not to have to deal with that.

The annoying relatives we don't really enjoy ignored the request and then nothing was enough. "Thank you" was not enough and it turned into another way for them to be nutty and get all hot and bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) You should always graciously accept a gift, unless it’s wildly inappropriate.

2) Once it’s yours, you don’t have to keep it.

3) You do not need to reciprocate gifts.

4) You may decide to keep/display gifts and/or reciprocate even if you don’t want to because you think it will strengthen the relationship.


I mostly hate gifts too. It’s just something you have to deal with.

This is what my grandma might say, but I suspect even she would disagree if she knew what all that junk was doing to the landfill and the earth her offspring would inherit. No, you do not have to accept a gift graciously if you have already said you do not want gifts. In grandma's day people violated boundaries all the time. Now we know better. People are allowed to say no to you. It's up to you to accept no graciously.

[Anonymous]

Gifts are highly ingrained in some societies. But that usually consumables like candy/ wine/ cookies.

[Anonymous]

Good timing with the Christmas holidays coming up. It’s October 13, now is the time to tell your relatives NO MORE GIFT GIVING ! No need to tell them they give gifts that you don’t like. Instead, tell them you have had a good life and don’t need any more material things in your life.

This isn’t hard, but you have to say the words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good timing with the Christmas holidays coming up. It’s October 13, now is the time to tell your relatives NO MORE GIFT GIVING ! No need to tell them they give gifts that you don’t like. Instead, tell them you have had a good life and don’t need any more material things in your life.

This isn’t hard, but you have to say the words.

Ew, don't say those words.

"Hey, Beatrice, now that fall is here and the holidays are looming, I wanted to mention that we're trying to minimize the amount of stuff we get and give, so we're going to skip exchanging gifts with the grownups this year. [Hoping to see you on Christmas Eve/whatever] [Still planning to get something for your kids, though (they aren't grownups yet, are they?) and open to suggestions]"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) You should always graciously accept a gift, unless it’s wildly inappropriate.

2) Once it’s yours, you don’t have to keep it.

3) You do not need to reciprocate gifts.

4) You may decide to keep/display gifts and/or reciprocate even if you don’t want to because you think it will strengthen the relationship.


I mostly hate gifts too. It’s just something you have to deal with.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) You should always graciously accept a gift, unless it’s wildly inappropriate.

2) Once it’s yours, you don’t have to keep it.

3) You do not need to reciprocate gifts.

4) You may decide to keep/display gifts and/or reciprocate even if you don’t want to because you think it will strengthen the relationship.


I mostly hate gifts too. It’s just something you have to deal with.

This.

Perhaps in the 1950s this was the case. It's not a gift if you already said no gifts.You don't have to accept it. Gifts for centuries have been used to manipulate people and to give passive aggressive swipes at people. Wealthy world leaders try to win eachother's favor with gifts. MILs might give their DIL a vacuum to say once again "your house is a mess" and she was supposed to smile and say thank you. Now we can simply smile and say "no thank you." That is allowed. We women are allowed to say "no thank you." Whenver you find yourself saying "always" take pause or throwing around "the shoulds".Women have driven themselves insane with the shoulds.

I don't want to find a place to donate this. I don't want more junk in my home. If I like or love you it has nothing to do with things. Your being is a gift. If I don't like you, a gift will not help that. If you like or love me, you will respect my boundary. If you don't respect my boundary I will say again "no thank you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now, with all that is going on with our environment the entiquette has finally changed. You simply state you value people over gifts, you no longer want to do gift exchanges and you don't want to contribute to environmental issues. You do it politely. If you truly love them, let them know and if you truly enjoy their company let them know and make it clear that is the gift.

Don't be surprised if they ignore you. You can say "no thank you" when presented with a gift. The pearl clutchers will gasp, but it is not a gift. You have made it clear you don't want anymore stuff. Now it is an imposition and a boundary violation. It's not your job to find a place to donate or to throw it out and add to the landfill. You said no.

I’m sorry, this is bonkers. I’m a person who hates gifts but “boundaries” are not an excuse to be rude and selfish.

NP. “Rude” and “selfish” would be people continuing to push gifts when someone clearly asks for no more gifts.

No means no. Do you get it?

“I’m sorry, Sylvia, I really did mean I’m not longer accepting gifts. I cannot do so in good conscious, because I have too much stuff already and I am concerned for the environment.”

Just like a vegan or vegetarian shouldn’t “shut up and accept it” if someone makes them a meat pie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now, with all that is going on with our environment the entiquette has finally changed. You simply state you value people over gifts, you no longer want to do gift exchanges and you don't want to contribute to environmental issues. You do it politely. If you truly love them, let them know and if you truly enjoy their company let them know and make it clear that is the gift.

Don't be surprised if they ignore you. You can say "no thank you" when presented with a gift. The pearl clutchers will gasp, but it is not a gift. You have made it clear you don't want anymore stuff. Now it is an imposition and a boundary violation. It's not your job to find a place to donate or to throw it out and add to the landfill. You said no.

I’m sorry, this is bonkers. I’m a person who hates gifts but “boundaries” are not an excuse to be rude and selfish.

NP. “Rude” and “selfish” would be people continuing to push gifts when someone clearly asks for no more gifts.

No means no. Do you get it?

“I’m sorry, Sylvia, I really did mean I’m not longer accepting gifts. I cannot do so in good conscious, because I have too much stuff already and I am concerned for the environment.”

Just like a vegan or vegetarian shouldn’t “shut up and accept it” if someone makes them a meat pie.

*Conscience, but you know what I mean