Lingering guilt

[Anonymous]

My grandmother more or less raised me and was a second mother to me. My mother was an only child and as she and my grandmother did not get along, I was my grandmother's POA in her later years. At one point in her life her physical health deteriorated and she went into a nursing home as she needed more care than the family could provide. At the time I was a young adult and not at a point in life to take her in. Given her many health issues it wasn't expected she would live very long however that turned out to not be the case. While she always complained about the care, things seemed okay until she had a stroke and lost much of her independence and some of her speech and needed a great deal more care. She also became very depressed. She told me many times that they were not treating her well and she was always so sad. I wasn't really able to move her to a different location for a variety of reasons and so I did what I could to make life as good as possible while she was there. I also reported and complained when she would tell me something was wrong. However right before her death, I actually witnessed two events that made my heart drop as it pretty much confirmed that they had been abusing her or at least treating her very roughly and without dignity. She desperately didn't want to die there but I failed her on that as well.

She was such a vibrant woman throughout her life and I hate that at the point where she became vulnerable, I let her down and let her be mistreated and die in a place she hated. I am not sure how to get over the guilt. I saw a therapist to try and work through it but found her very unhelpful. It has been years now since she died and I still get waves of guilt and shame and sadness for her over what she endured and my role in that. I wish I could talk about her and remember all the good times but I can't as every memory is tarnished by guilt and the pain of having let her down.

Anyone else have guilt about decision made about vulnerable parents and how do you deal with it?

[Anonymous]

This is difficult, but you went over and above your role as a grandkid to care for her. I'm not sure things would have been better if she had lived with you, and it would have been very difficult for you to get on with your own life. I'm sure your grandmother would want you to look forward and live your best life.

[Anonymous]

My mother was in a nursing home for seven years before she died, so I understand the emotional difficulty you are experiencing.

Have you ever thought about volunteering with an elder organization? I do and I find helping elderly in nursing homes is fulfilling and an homage to my mother. I do for them what I couldn't always do for her. I think she approves.

[Anonymous]

That is really sad and I’m really sad for you that you carry around this guilt. I will say, I agree with PP that you went above and beyond as a grandchild. Also, look around, how many twenty-somethings do you know that are taking care of a grandparent solo? It’s hard enough for an established middle aged child to take care of an elderly parent, it’s way too much to expect that of a grandchild. I’m so sorry about your pain. You were really lucky to have such a good grandma.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a very solid/compassionate person. Your grandmother undoubtedly loved you very much and was grateful to have SOMEONE in her corner in the final, difficult years of her life.

Your reporting of her complaints was being her advocate. You cannot fix an entire broken system. You are not a nursing home regulator.

I also feel somewhat guilty that I did not visit my mother more often when she was bedridden and being cared for by a somewhat cold (though not abusive) paid aide.
At the time, I was working full time, parenting a young child by myself and lived five hours away.

I think you have to cut your young self much slack. You did the best you could, given your limitations (of all kinds) at the time.

You are probably so empathetic, that it hurts you that you could not alleviate your loved one's suffering in the last years of her life. That feeling comes from your love and compassion. Those are traits she undoubtedly saw and loved about you. She would want you to be happy and free...not haunted.

The past is gone. You are still healthy and should use your life to make a difference or contribution. To take your MANY admirable traits and change the world (in some way that is meaningful to you). It is not too late, unless you let the past contaminate the future.

[Anonymous]

I have my mom living with me and she mistreats me. I feel guilty I brought her into my home where she is a negative influence on the whole family.

When she was younger, she was nice. Now I wake up every day unhappy at the decision to take her in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have my mom living with me and she mistreats me. I feel guilty I brought her into my home where she is a negative influence on the whole family.

When she was younger, she was nice. Now I wake up every day unhappy at the decision to take her in

So reverse that action.

You have agency in most things.