Please advice - Impact on kids of In Laws Comments

[Anonymous]

We have MIL (spouse died a long time back) who is late 70s. Staying with us for several weeks.

Keeps saying to our kids (their grandkids) that "you do not care about me because you used to do xxx a few years back and not now anymore". Child is 7 years and they dont do the things they used to do when they are 4 years old. Child is very sensitive and really kind. Telling kids that we live in a small house because we do not want to spend money. Telling that we drive old cars because we dont want to spend money. We live in a house that is around $1 million. We do live in a smaller home by choice and drive old cars by choice. This goes on at least twice a week.

Tells spouse many times that they do not take care of her. I find infuriating because we support him/her financially.

My main concern is the impact her comments would have on kids. I do not want them to feel guilty. I do not want them to feel ashamed of where they are living and what we are driving.

I saw in my spouse how much guilt her mom created and really want to avoid that with my kids. Both our kids are sensitive and kind and as a parent I cannot be happier with them.

What would you recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have MIL (spouse died a long time back) who is late 70s. Staying with us for several weeks.

Keeps saying to our kids (their grandkids) that "you do not care about me because you used to do xxx a few years back and not now anymore". Child is 7 years and they dont do the things they used to do when they are 4 years old. Child is very sensitive and really kind. Telling kids that we live in a small house because we do not want to spend money. Telling that we drive old cars because we dont want to spend money. We live in a house that is around $1 million. We do live in a smaller home by choice and drive old cars by choice. This goes on at least twice a week.

Tells spouse many times that they do not take care of her. I find infuriating because we support him/her financially.

My main concern is the impact her comments would have on kids. I do not want them to feel guilty. I do not want them to feel ashamed of where they are living and what we are driving.

I saw in my spouse how much guilt her mom created and really want to avoid that with my kids. Both our kids are sensitive and kind and as a parent I cannot be happier with them.

What would you recommend?

What I mean is I cannot be more happier the way they are. I would not change one thing with them.

[Anonymous]

What does your spouse think?

IMO, the best (only) way to manage an issue like this is to 1) tell your MIL to knock it off directly and clearly when the kids are not around and 2) monitor after that by ensuring that your MIL is never alone with your kids and push back / defend your choices (and your kids' behavior) every single time it comes up.

This is most effective if your spouse (MIL's kid) does it, but it can be whoever is policing the MIL/grandkid interactions if necessary. The main thing your are trying to do is make sure that your kids see you standing up for them/your choices. Otherwise, they will wonder if MIL is right/has a point.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like some is based in fact "Telling kids that we live in a small house because we do not want to spend money. Telling that we drive old cars because we dont want to spend money. We live in a house that is around $1 million. We do live in a smaller home by choice and drive old cars by choice. This goes on at least twice a week."

Tell your kids you prioritize money & time over a more expensive house or cars. Tell kids that sometimes people say things that are impolite, rude, weird. . . and if not harming the listener mentally to accept people say things they might not like and move pass it.

[Anonymous]

My mother-in-law started making comments to our tweens that were making them uncomfortable and very similar to this. I flat out told my children that their grandma was making comments that were inappropriate and sometimes adults don’t always say or do the right thing. They could come to us if something was making them uncomfortable, that being said it was so important for them to spend time with her in a healthy way. We separately discussed with mother-in-law that if she continue to do those things it would push grandchildren away. You can’t expect a 13-year-old to do the same things they wanted to do when they were three years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse think?

IMO, the best (only) way to manage an issue like this is to 1) tell your MIL to knock it off directly and clearly when the kids are not around and 2) monitor after that by ensuring that your MIL is never alone with your kids and push back / defend your choices (and your kids' behavior) every single time it comes up.

This is most effective if your spouse (MIL's kid) does it, but it can be whoever is policing the MIL/grandkid interactions if necessary. The main thing your are trying to do is make sure that your kids see you standing up for them/your choices. Otherwise, they will wonder if MIL is right/has a point.

Tells them when I am not there or can barely hear it. Spouse just tries to keep mom from getting angry, so keeps quiet or grumbles a little but never stands up to mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like some is based in fact "Telling kids that we live in a small house because we do not want to spend money. Telling that we drive old cars because we dont want to spend money. We live in a house that is around $1 million. We do live in a smaller home by choice and drive old cars by choice. This goes on at least twice a week."

Tell your kids you prioritize money & time over a more expensive house or cars. Tell kids that sometimes people say things that are impolite, rude, weird. . . and if not harming the listener mentally to accept people say things they might not like and move pass it.

I told them exactly that (the bolded part). That is how I handled it so far. What I am worried about is how much of an impact it might have on kids in terms of inviting their friends to our house if they feel ashamed of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse think?

IMO, the best (only) way to manage an issue like this is to 1) tell your MIL to knock it off directly and clearly when the kids are not around and 2) monitor after that by ensuring that your MIL is never alone with your kids and push back / defend your choices (and your kids' behavior) every single time it comes up.

This is most effective if your spouse (MIL's kid) does it, but it can be whoever is policing the MIL/grandkid interactions if necessary. The main thing your are trying to do is make sure that your kids see you standing up for them/your choices. Otherwise, they will wonder if MIL is right/has a point.

Tells them when I am not there or can barely hear it. Spouse just tries to keep mom from getting angry, so keeps quiet or grumbles a little but never stands up to mom.

So you hear it because they repeat it to you? Talk it out, nonjudgmentally: "Sometimes people have a hard time understanding why other people like different things. Grandma really likes living in a big house, and she thinks we should want a big house, too. But we like our house! It's full of my favorite people!" Then talk about things they like that other people don't, or vice versa. Talk about spending money (or not). Get it out there.

[Anonymous]

"Oh, Martha, of course seven-year-olds don't behave the same as four-year-olds!" "Oh, Martha, how silly! Of course Larla cares about her grandmother!"

Or

"Please don't tell my kids that they don't love you or care about you. That's very unkind, and not true." If she does it again, take the kids away (to another room, the yard, the park, whatever.

"Please don't discuss our finances with our children." If she does it again, take the kids away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like some is based in fact "Telling kids that we live in a small house because we do not want to spend money. Telling that we drive old cars because we dont want to spend money. We live in a house that is around $1 million. We do live in a smaller home by choice and drive old cars by choice. This goes on at least twice a week."

Tell your kids you prioritize money & time over a more expensive house or cars. Tell kids that sometimes people say things that are impolite, rude, weird. . . and if not harming the listener mentally to accept people say things they might not like and move pass it.

I told them exactly that (the bolded part). That is how I handled it so far. What I am worried about is how much of an impact it might have on kids in terms of inviting their friends to our house if they feel ashamed of it.

Don’t catastrophize the situation. Mil is clearly unpleasant and says bad things, but that doesn’t mean your kids are going to take it to heart and let it impact their peer relationships. I think 12:10 has a good strategy and I would follow their example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse think?

IMO, the best (only) way to manage an issue like this is to 1) tell your MIL to knock it off directly and clearly when the kids are not around and 2) monitor after that by ensuring that your MIL is never alone with your kids and push back / defend your choices (and your kids' behavior) every single time it comes up.

This is most effective if your spouse (MIL's kid) does it, but it can be whoever is policing the MIL/grandkid interactions if necessary. The main thing your are trying to do is make sure that your kids see you standing up for them/your choices. Otherwise, they will wonder if MIL is right/has a point.

Tells them when I am not there or can barely hear it. Spouse just tries to keep mom from getting angry, so keeps quiet or grumbles a little but never stands up to mom.

Work with your spouse to cut back on MIL's visit. She doesn't need to stay for weeks. Is she from another culture? The bolded is what really stood out. Spouse is walking on eggshells around her and this woman is toxic. Limit all her future visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother-in-law started making comments to our tweens that were making them uncomfortable and very similar to this. I flat out told my children that their grandma was making comments that were inappropriate and sometimes adults don’t always say or do the right thing. They could come to us if something was making them uncomfortable, that being said it was so important for them to spend time with her in a healthy way. We separately discussed with mother-in-law that if she continue to do those things it would push grandchildren away. You can’t expect a 13-year-old to do the same things they wanted to do when they were three years old.

Sounds very similar. I do want kids to know their grandparents. I also want them to see how we treat and care when someone is older.

Our older child complained about some other comments she made - she does not make them directly, she talks loudly over the phone to someone else and makes these comments while in the same vicinity as kids are. If you tell her about her comments, she complains why kids are listening on her conversations.

[Anonymous]

Send her packing. Tell her you can not help her financially because you need to spend more an a bigger house and nicer cars like she suggested.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that f she doesn’t stop it you will stop supporting her financially. She’s the type that would place strings on anything she gave you, so put strings back on her. She’ll understand this far more than appealing to any type of decency.

[Anonymous]

This must happen to a lot of older people after they lose their spouse. They just get weird. Your kids are fine. Your MIL is concerned about image - flashy cars and bigger houses, and grandkids who flock to them. It's common especially if they grew up in poverty to want to flaunt these symbols of success, as proof of their hard work. Brush it off, and just keep doing what you are doing.