Please advice - Impact on kids of In Laws Comments

[Anonymous]

Privately and firmly, "Do not say to my children (and list her exact words) again. This is a non-negotiable position. You will no longer be permitted to see them if you do." Then keep your word. Do not threaten, just act.

From as long as I can remember, I was called fat, ugly and stupid, and not only did my parents fail to protect me, they often agreed.

[Anonymous]

I do not want to send her packing or even mention that we would stop supporting financially as this would be very painful for spouse. MIL mentions several times that spouse does not take care of her - we cook what children like, not what she likes, etc. Spouse feels guilty about that.

I do not want to stress out my spouse any more than what MIL does and did not bring out my concerns about children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like some is based in fact "Telling kids that we live in a small house because we do not want to spend money. Telling that we drive old cars because we dont want to spend money. We live in a house that is around $1 million. We do live in a smaller home by choice and drive old cars by choice. This goes on at least twice a week."

Tell your kids you prioritize money & time over a more expensive house or cars. Tell kids that sometimes people say things that are impolite, rude, weird. . . and if not harming the listener mentally to accept people say things they might not like and move pass it.

I told them exactly that (the bolded part). That is how I handled it so far. What I am worried about is how much of an impact it might have on kids in terms of inviting their friends to our house if they feel ashamed of it.

I think you overestimate the power of a visiting old lady. If the kids already liked their house, hearing their grandma call it small won’t give them a complex about it. Most of their friends probably live nearby and have similar ish houses.

I prefer jokes to serious conversations, so I would keep it light with MIL. “But Judy, if we had a fancy car and car payment, we wouldn’t be able to buy you so many presents!” “Eh, I tried going into a Cadillac dealership once and they told me I was too young - not gonna argue with that!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not want to send her packing or even mention that we would stop supporting financially as this would be very painful for spouse. MIL mentions several times that spouse does not take care of her - we cook what children like, not what she likes, etc. Spouse feels guilty about that.

I do not want to stress out my spouse any more than what MIL does and did not bring out my concerns about children.

Let her mention that stuff! “Yep you’re right. How about those Mets?” Just let it roll off you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This must happen to a lot of older people after they lose their spouse. They just get weird. Your kids are fine. Your MIL is concerned about image - flashy cars and bigger houses, and grandkids who flock to them. It's common especially if they grew up in poverty to want to flaunt these symbols of success, as proof of their hard work. Brush it off, and just keep doing what you are doing.

My parents grew up in poverty. When I bought my dad a set of nice golf clubs for his birthday, he complained they were not top of the line callaways. When his friend suggested a less expensive car to buy to replace his old car, he was seriously offended and didn’t speak to him for a year, for thinking he would buy such a lowly foreign car (a Toyota RAV4) instead of a luxury american one. It was how he measured his success and hard work.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse needs therapy, you both need to learn boundaries, and the toxic MIL needs a one way ticket home. I can't imagine putting up with this kind of toxic narcissism in my own home. The biggest issue is your spouse's dysfunctional relationship with their parent. That has leaked into your relationship as well if you are having to tip toe around this. If she is this stressed about her parent, that parent shouldn't be around. Your spouse's priority should be the kids and you, not the toxic parent.

[Anonymous]

My dad’s mom did the same thing. Always snide comments about what my parents, especially my mom was doing wrong. My grandma was completely dependent for money on my dad. I think she resented that and took it out on us this way. Dad was reluctant to stand up to her. My mom sat us down one day and told us just to nod and then ignore what grandma said.
Grandma then moved on to the same tactics with her daughters’ kids. My uncles wasted no time in telling her to stop or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse needs therapy, you both need to learn boundaries, and the toxic MIL needs a one way ticket home. I can't imagine putting up with this kind of toxic narcissism in my own home. The biggest issue is your spouse's dysfunctional relationship with their parent. That has leaked into your relationship as well if you are having to tip toe around this. If she is this stressed about her parent, that parent shouldn't be around. Your spouse's priority should be the kids and you, not the toxic parent.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your spouse needs therapy, you both need to learn boundaries, and the toxic MIL needs a one way ticket home. I can't imagine putting up with this kind of toxic narcissism in my own home. The biggest issue is your spouse's dysfunctional relationship with their parent. That has leaked into your relationship as well if you are having to tip toe around this. If she is this stressed about her parent, that parent shouldn't be around. Your spouse's priority should be the kids and you, not the toxic parent.

The first time I experienced this 15 years back, I put my foot down and sent her packing. At that time spouse felt very bad for her parent and was in tears. I can do the same now but do not want to hurt spouse. Why put spouse in a difficult situation?

This time around it is much better actually, as spouse pretty much kept ignoring the comments and not really getting too bothered about them. This is why I think this time, the comments started being directed at the kids.

[Anonymous]

My parents grew up poor but spouse parents were not wealthy but were a little better off.

When my parents came, they asked how old the car is and when I told them, they said it looked so new. They were so happy that we are doing so well. The contrast of MIL with my parents is jarring to me.

Spouse puts kids first and cannot really ask for a better parent. Spouse is just an overall very nice person.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is a pain who is needy and overly dramatic.

Your husband is a people pleaser that needs therapy to deal with his mother.

You also don’t want to actually do anything about this, but are overly dramatic and catastrophizing the actual impact this dumb stuff willl have on your kids. Thinking grandma’s dumb comments will make them not invite friends over is nuts.

You all could use some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is a pain who is needy and overly dramatic.

Your husband is a people pleaser that needs therapy to deal with his mother.

You also don’t want to actually do anything about this, but are overly dramatic and catastrophizing the actual impact this dumb stuff willl have on your kids. Thinking grandma’s dumb comments will make them not invite friends over is nuts.

You all could use some help.

+100. You're a help-rejecting complainer, OP.