Mother said something crappy - don’t think I can say anything to her about it

[Anonymous]

My mother and I have had a strained relationship historically that’s improved as I’ve come to accept her many limitations and the fact that she’s never truly been a mother. She’s always had a strange competitive quality in relation to me which I hated, and still hate, but again - I accept it.

The other day we were talking and she mentioned she was getting rid of old work clothes. She has great taste and always buys quality clothes and I said oh, I’d love to take a look (I’ll be visiting in a few weeks). She said “well, okay, but they’re mostly a size 8.” Sidebar: I am currently four months pregnant, and lost a pregnancy at four months in May of this year. I’ve basically been pregnant since February and I put on weight when I’m pregnant (this is my third kid; fourth pregnancy). When I’m not pregnant, I wear a size 6/8 consistently: dresses, jeans, etc. I put on maybe ten pounds last year but I was still able to fit into my clothes. I’m not a large person!

It really stung because my mom has a very dysfunctional relationship with food etc and would fat shame me even as a skinny teenager. Like I said, I am *pregnant* so obviously not at a normal weight. It just stinks and it really hurt and I want to say something, but I’m afraid she’ll just brush it aside and won’t take me seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP I so get it and could say the same about my mom. There are a lot of things she is giving away that I might want, but cannot take because it will give her permission to do her crazy dance and insult me. So I just let it go. It may seem like it's free because she is giving it away, but it isn't free because it gives permission to insult, nag, manipulate or whatever. When I calculate in the cost of what it would be to process it all in therapy and make peace, it is cheaper to save for those things I want and buy them myself. What is really sad is there is a photo of my late father I want and I cannot purchase that somewhere. It is not worth the mental torture to get a copy from her so i need to just enjoy my memories and let it go.

[Anonymous]

You're obviously reading a lot into the comment because of your history. But the reality is you're a long way from being able to fit into those clothes and your mom wants to purge now. Would you want to take a bunch of clothes now that you may not be able to wear for a year or so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're obviously reading a lot into the comment because of your history. But the reality is you're a long way from being able to fit into those clothes and your mom wants to purge now. Would you want to take a bunch of clothes now that you may not be able to wear for a year or so?

As long as she's getting them out of her mom's house, who cares?

OP, couldn't you just deliberately misunderstand her? "Yeah, I might need to have them taken in a year after I have the baby, but 8s would be nice as I transition back to my normal size"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're obviously reading a lot into the comment because of your history. But the reality is you're a long way from being able to fit into those clothes and your mom wants to purge now. Would you want to take a bunch of clothes now that you may not be able to wear for a year or so?

As long as she's getting them out of her mom's house, who cares?

OP, couldn't you just deliberately misunderstand her? "Yeah, I might need to have them taken in a year after I have the baby, but 8s would be nice as I transition back to my normal size"

I love this answer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're obviously reading a lot into the comment because of your history. But the reality is you're a long way from being able to fit into those clothes and your mom wants to purge now. Would you want to take a bunch of clothes now that you may not be able to wear for a year or so?

As long as she's getting them out of her mom's house, who cares?

OP, couldn't you just deliberately misunderstand her? "Yeah, I might need to have them taken in a year after I have the baby, but 8s would be nice as I transition back to my normal size"

I agree with this comment. I have a similar relationship with my mother, especially regarding my weight. Acceptance plus deliberate misunderstanding has been a helpful tactic.

[Anonymous]

I think you haven’t reached as strong a place of acceptance of your mother’s flaws and limitations as you wish you had. She’s the stinging scorpion from the story, that comment was par for the course. Time to practice some mindful “letting go” on your part. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're obviously reading a lot into the comment because of your history. But the reality is you're a long way from being able to fit into those clothes and your mom wants to purge now. Would you want to take a bunch of clothes now that you may not be able to wear for a year or so?

As long as she's getting them out of her mom's house, who cares?

OP, couldn't you just deliberately misunderstand her? "Yeah, I might need to have them taken in a year after I have the baby, but 8s would be nice as I transition back to my normal size"

+1 Perfect answer

[Anonymous]

You seem extra sensitive. Take the clothes or don’t, but don’t be rude to your mother.

[Anonymous]

Your mil did not say anything crappy here. You are hypersensitive and maybe insecure. It's not about your weight. If I was getting rid of clothes and someone expressed interest I'd let them know which sizes the clothes were. If you define this as a crappy comments you might need counselling.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your pregnancy hormones are making you wacky. What your mother said was reasonable. You don't fit into the clothes now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you haven’t reached as strong a place of acceptance of your mother’s flaws and limitations as you wish you had. She’s the stinging scorpion from the story, that comment was par for the course. Time to practice some mindful “letting go” on your part. Hugs.

DP - how does OP (anyone) do this?

[Anonymous]

OP knows her own mother best and so it probably is a subtle dig, but it wouldn't even register as a blip on my radar. Don't give it any more thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're obviously reading a lot into the comment because of your history. But the reality is you're a long way from being able to fit into those clothes and your mom wants to purge now. Would you want to take a bunch of clothes now that you may not be able to wear for a year or so?

As long as she's getting them out of her mom's house, who cares?

OP, couldn't you just deliberately misunderstand her? "Yeah, I might need to have them taken in a year after I have the baby, but 8s would be nice as I transition back to my normal size"

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mil did not say anything crappy here. You are hypersensitive and maybe insecure. It's not about your weight. If I was getting rid of clothes and someone expressed interest I'd let them know which sizes the clothes were. If you define this as a crappy comments you might need counselling.

This was my first thought, but I’m assuming OP went here because of some history with her mom. The comment sounded like it was designed to give information and let pregnant OP know the clothes may not work for her for a while..