Mild Dementia Care

[Anonymous]

My father was caring for my mom with mild dementia. He died suddenly and now I am scrambling. I am a single mom of school aged children. I have no idea where to start. I am just beginning to sift through my dad’s estate.

Is there such a thing of day dementia care for adults? I’m willing to live with my mom Monday-Friday and like the idea of her attending a facility during the day. Culturally keep mom in the house is the goal until we get to the point where she cannot care for herself.

Fortunately I live a short distance (20 minutes) away but my kids would also come too. They do spend weekends with their father.
My other sibling is not very supportive and is ready to leave for back home in another state. This despite the sibling being single, a renter, and having a job that is 100% remote. I own a small condo and my job cannot be done remotely. Any advice for moving past resentment with them? Yes, I’ve talked to them several times and they tell me what I want to hear but no follow-through.

[Anonymous]

OK so you think because your sibling is single and childless, they should relocate to take care of your parent?

No. Just no. Just because you have children does not mean that your life is more important than your siblings life. You are not more important just because you procreated.

To answer your question, there are agencies that you can hire to send caregivers to your parents home. It’s about 20-25 dollars an hour. Some examples are Home Instead and Senior Helpers and Bayada. They are franchises so quality varies according to location.

[Anonymous]

There are also adult day care programs where you to take her to a group setting for the day. The socialization aspect of that is very nice and positive.

[Anonymous]

Yes, there are adult day care centers.

If your mom needs day care, she’s already at the point where she can’t live alone. You’re going to find out that the overnight shift and particularly the evenings will require a LOT more than just “being there.” You need to get a handle on your mom’s finances as fast as possible and figure out a full time placement for her or home aides. It’s very unlikely you can replace your dad with just yourself and daycare. People vastly underestimate what spouse caregivers are doing, a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are also adult day care programs where you to take her to a group setting for the day. The socialization aspect of that is very nice and positive.

Good way to get COVID

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK so you think because your sibling is single and childless, they should relocate to take care of your parent?

No. Just no. Just because you have children does not mean that your life is more important than your siblings life. You are not more important just because you procreated.

To answer your question, there are agencies that you can hire to send caregivers to your parents home. It’s about 20-25 dollars an hour. Some examples are Home Instead and Senior Helpers and Bayada. They are franchises so quality varies according to location.

The sibling is unwilling to make a commitment in assisting by coming back up here for a few days per month. They live five hours away. The sibling has not been asked to move back here.

[Anonymous]

I was in this exact situation except my mom had moderate dementia at the time. OP I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and that you are going through this. it is really hard. I recommend that you talk to a grief counselor to help you process everything.

In terms of practical stuff, yes there are definitely adult day care places. How is your mom sleeping at night? My mom would wake up at night very confused so having her stay with us would not have worked - we would have never slept. And definitely do not waste energy resenting your sibling. And remember your mom would likely slowly decline over 10+ years - it is not realistic to expect your sibling to move and upend his/her life for that period of time.

Does your mom have assets? I would talk to a lawyer about getting things set up so your mom can qualify for Medicaid after the 5 year lookback. Depending on the state, Medicaid will pay for home aides so it is an option even if you don't want to put your mom in a nursing home. Where do you live? In NYC I recommend connecting with CaringKind.

I'd also recommend the book "The 36-Hour Day: How to take care of People who have Dementia".

[Anonymous]

PP here I would just add that when I was taking care of my mom, it was not possible to get any work done. She was constantly interrupting me with questions. Sometimes she would nap but it was not predictable so I couldn't schedule work calls or count on being able to focus. If I were advising someone, I would say committing to driving 5 hours and taking care of someone with dementia for a few days every month is a pretty big commitment. Personally I would not do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are also adult day care programs where you to take her to a group setting for the day. The socialization aspect of that is very nice and positive.

Good way to get COVID

Different poster. They take precautions and it is well worth the risk. Brain rot is far worse without socialization.

OP you need to think long term. What you are proposing does not sound sustainable. I would research memory care now. It's not all going to magically fall into place when you realize she is farther along that you thought. Also, one fall/surgery/life trauma and she could progress quickly. Better to already be in the right setting.

Does she even have friends where she is? You said for cultural reasons you want to keep her in her home. Is it even safe for her? Does she hav e a network besides you? The old fashioned cultural ideas go along with villages and communities where people can support this. They don't jive well with busy parents being stretched thin and neighbors who have their own lives and stressors.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to mention one more thing, be careful what you expose your kids to. Is she volatile? If not, she still could become volatile,. irrational and abusive. We just checked on mom a lot and I will never forgive myself for exposing my kids to mom behaving like a monster. It caused them a lot of trauma and they never want to see her again after her outbursts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are also adult day care programs where you to take her to a group setting for the day. The socialization aspect of that is very nice and positive.

Good way to get COVID

OP you need to think long term. What you are proposing does not sound sustainable. I would research memory care now. It's not all going to magically fall into place when you realize she is farther along that you thought. Also, one fall/surgery/life trauma and she could progress quickly. Better to already be in the right setting.

Does she even have friends where she is? You said for cultural reasons you want to keep her in her home. Is it even safe for her? Does she hav e a network besides you? The old fashioned cultural ideas go along with villages and communities where people can support this. They don't jive well with busy parents being stretched thin and neighbors who have their own lives and stressors.

Mom has been here for over sixty years so she has friends and family in the DC area. The younger members work and have children and the older members can help on occasion. Truthfully, I’m thinking short term as the unexpected passing of my dad has added depression to the dementia. I have an elder family member helping now but she will be going back home to another state in October. I also will be going back to work in a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are also adult day care programs where you to take her to a group setting for the day. The socialization aspect of that is very nice and positive.

Good way to get COVID

OP you need to think long term. What you are proposing does not sound sustainable. I would research memory care now. It's not all going to magically fall into place when you realize she is farther along that you thought. Also, one fall/surgery/life trauma and she could progress quickly. Better to already be in the right setting.

Does she even have friends where she is? You said for cultural reasons you want to keep her in her home. Is it even safe for her? Does she hav e a network besides you? The old fashioned cultural ideas go along with villages and communities where people can support this. They don't jive well with busy parents being stretched thin and neighbors who have their own lives and stressors.

Mom has been here for over sixty years so she has friends and family in the DC area. The younger members work and have children and the older members can help on occasion. Truthfully, I’m thinking short term as the unexpected passing of my dad has added depression to the dementia. I have an elder family member helping now but she will be going back home to another state in October. I also will be going back to work in a few weeks.

My family had been here just as long. When they get too needy those willing to check on them and visit stop. Her friends will have their own medical issues. The depression needs to be treated because it will make things far worse, at least it did in our case. If she is not receptive, let doctors know your concerns so they screen and try to persuade her. Grief support groups can be enormously helpful, but many elders refuse. If you can get the doctor to mention it as well, may help. My aunt finally went and made friends there who really understood what she was going through and that is even with mild dementia it helped. I know this is all sudden and you are dealing with loss as well. Just start looking long term when you can and figure out something that will not do you in. Things can go south at rapid speed. Frankly, our mistake was not going right to residential. Mom became more and more needy and that led to the volatility and tantrums. Her friends seemed to evaporate as she got more difficult and I don't blame them. Better to get settled where she can stay and get proper care and social activities. You can hire someone to help you make a good choice of placement, just don't get a case manager who specializes in aging in place. They use contractors who don't always show and they promise the moon and feed the insanity. They also feed the fears of the elder about memory care. We found residential best for all-much easier for us to visit and enjoy our time, and after an adjustment period, much better for well being of elder-no more lonliness and tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Hire an agency.

Schedule the caregivers for 8:00 am - 5:00 pm or so.

The going rate in Maryland on the eastern shore is $29 per hour.

We had caregivers driving Mom around to hair appointment, grocery etc.

[Anonymous]

OP,

When Mom was first diagnosed everyone told us she would get angry and violent.

We have not had one angry or violent episode in 15 years of care.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the 11:54 poster.

We had family handle the overnight with Mom for years.

This was no big deal.

About 15 years ago we started Mom on 400 mg of magnesium glycinate in the evening. This helps her sleep through the night and also helps with "regularity."

Mom's at about 18 years of alzeimers/dementia.