if your child is living at home while in college

[Anonymous]

18 yo DS decided to go to CC and transfer to his school of choice next year, since he was rejected as a first year applicant. He is living with us and driving himself to classes at the community college. Supposedly this is his last year at home. We've agreed that we will treat him as if he is adult and took away most of the restrictions he had in the past years. He is our oldest and I found myself struggling to let go of control. I wonder if anyone is/was in the similar situation with DC living at home. Or just WWYD?

1) Staying up all night playing video games with friends or socializing (online) and going to bed in the morning. Then after two hours of sleep he goes to classes. Comes back and sleeps for the rest of the day. Wakes up in the evening and plays all night. I understand he could be doing that same thing living in the dorm. But it's really hard watch and not to say anything.

2) Room is a terrible mess. It no longer seems appropriate to nag him but it's just plain awful with trash and clothing on the floor. I made a rule about "no food" for sanitary purposes, but it's still terrible. Really hard to ignore.

3) Skipping classes. After being up all night he felt too tired and skipped full day of classes. Again, he could have done it without me knowing if he lived away. But I do know and it drives me nuts. When I expressed my concern he said that he has everything under control and I should worry.

4) Laundry. Original plan is for him to do it, but seeing how it just accumulates all over his room I am really tempted to do his laundry for another year. Also, another reason for skipping school was that he didn't have any clean shirts. So he spent all day at home, but he still did not do his laundry. (sigh)

5) Chores. Would you still make your grown child do chores if he lived with you while in college? It was always a source of constant nagging from me, so I am not sure I want to continue doing that. His friends are having fun living on campus while his mom is demanding he walks the dog and takes the trash out.

Please share your experiences or any advice. This has only been two weeks, but our relationship is already suffering. I understand now why it's so much better when they are in college and we parents don't see all this.

[Anonymous]

Wtf? This is your house. Yes, it is fine and good to expect him to do his laundry, keep his room clean, and do chores. And don’t let him have girlfriends sleep over. This will incentive him to get good grades and move out.

Tell him if he complains, Look, if you do well this year and transfer, you can live in the dorms and have more control over your life. But as long as you are here, you have to abide by some house rules.

If he wants to not abide by his rules, he needs to get his act together and transfer and move to the dorms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wtf? This is your house. Yes, it is fine and good to expect him to do his laundry, keep his room clean, and do chores. And don’t let him have girlfriends sleep over. This will incentive him to get good grades and move out.

Tell him if he complains, Look, if you do well this year and transfer, you can live in the dorms and have more control over your life. But as long as you are here, you have to abide by some house rules.

If he wants to not abide by his rules, he needs to get his act together and transfer and move to the dorms.

House rules, not his rules

[Anonymous]

Tell him if he wants to be an adult behave like one. Clean up his room, help around the house, and get a job in his free time if he has that much time. And, make it clear you will NOT pay for an adult to go to college away if he continues to behave like that and not attend classes. Or, move out.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Good points, but how would you do that? If I tell him to clean his room, but he doesn't? I am not going to take away his car or computer, since he needs it for classes. I talk to him about going to bed at reasonable time and he says "sure" but stays up. How would you enforce those rules? I like the point about not paying for college unless he improves his lifestyle. But will I really not let him go to college because he cannot keep his room clean? I do think education is important. And if we kick him out and force him to get a job and live on his own without college degree.. would you really do that to your kid because of dirty room and bad habits? He doesn't drink or do drugs. He doesn't bring people over at night. His girlfriend is in college at a different state.

[Anonymous]

Idk Op, in college you have peer pressure of roommates who get tired of your mess and don't hold back telling you. I never knew how annoying I was to live with before that. I think for your sanity you concentrate on him getting in somewhere (4 yr college) for next year. Rolling schools are taking applications NOW. Can't he get in somewhere? I'd insist he have some safeties nailed down (admitted) in a month or two. Even if it's based on his HS record only. Then, he can apply and hope he to get into his school-of-his-choice.

Do not let him hang all his hope and future plans on 1 college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Good points, but how would you do that? If I tell him to clean his room, but he doesn't? I am not going to take away his car or computer, since he needs it for classes. I talk to him about going to bed at reasonable time and he says "sure" but stays up. How would you enforce those rules? I like the point about not paying for college unless he improves his lifestyle. But will I really not let him go to college because he cannot keep his room clean? I do think education is important. And if we kick him out and force him to get a job and live on his own without college degree.. would you really do that to your kid because of dirty room and bad habits? He doesn't drink or do drugs. He doesn't bring people over at night. His girlfriend is in college at a different state.

Charge him rent. Keep raising the rent each month until it's cheaper for him to live elsewhere. You think education is important but he's skipping classes to sleep because he didn't sleep at night because he was playing games. That's not very adult-like.

[Anonymous]

Here are my rules for adult kids at home, who want to live there rent free:

1. Do you own laundry & dishes (this has been the rule since they were 12)

2. I don't care about the room itself, but the common areas of the house need to stay clean

3. Go to school (no skipping)

4. Hold a job

5. Pay for your own gas/car/clothing

6. Chip in around the house. If you see the trash full, take it out, replace the bag. If dishwasher is full, run it, empty it.

7. Be home at a reasonable hour or let someone know if you will be staying out a friends house

8. No sleep overs with a GF/BF. It's awkward and I have younger kids.

Get your own apartment if you don't like the rules.

[Anonymous]

If he is skipping classes, he is never leaving home for a 4 year college. Let him know he is on track to drop out and get a low.paying job, and paying for his own rent and college tuition later in life.

At a minimum he needs to go to all classes, make at least a C or above, and wash his own clothes. After he does this, he might be ready to go away to college next year.

[Anonymous]

I lived at home and still had rules like keeping my room clean. I did, so I don't have advice for consequences. But just because I turned 18 didn't mean home rules went out of the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived at home and still had rules like keeping my room clean. I did, so I don't have advice for consequences. But just because I turned 18 didn't mean home rules went out of the window.

and I had to pay rent and work for my own expenses.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Just to clarify: DS did get accepted into safety and they will hold his spot for one year. However, he wants to go to UVA with VCCS guaranteed transfer agreement.

Charging him rent seems illogical. He is saving us a lot of money by going to CC first year. The program designed so that he does not loose credit/time. We are saving at least 20K this year. If he is unable to transfer to UVA he can still go to safety and transfer all the credits.

I love the list of rules. I am curious how do you enforce them? It's easier to draw the line with bringing home guests/girlfriend. But how do you control bedtime/skipping classes with 18 year old? He tells me that he has it under control and "everything is fine".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Just to clarify: DS did get accepted into safety and they will hold his spot for one year. However, he wants to go to UVA with VCCS guaranteed transfer agreement.

Charging him rent seems illogical. He is saving us a lot of money by going to CC first year. The program designed so that he does not loose credit/time. We are saving at least 20K this year. If he is unable to transfer to UVA he can still go to safety and transfer all the credits.

I love the list of rules. I am curious how do you enforce them? It's easier to draw the line with bringing home guests/girlfriend. But how do you control bedtime/skipping classes with 18 year old? He tells me that he has it under control and "everything is fine".

PP with the rules, I don't care about bed time. Just be quiet when other people are sleeping. Skipping classes is non-negotiable. You go to school or you move out. FWIW my hard headed adult kid who did live at home grew up by age 20. He's a different person now. Nothing major happened, just needed time and space to figure things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Just to clarify: DS did get accepted into safety and they will hold his spot for one year. However, he wants to go to UVA with VCCS guaranteed transfer agreement.

Charging him rent seems illogical. He is saving us a lot of money by going to CC first year. The program designed so that he does not loose credit/time. We are saving at least 20K this year. If he is unable to transfer to UVA he can still go to safety and transfer all the credits.

I love the list of rules. I am curious how do you enforce them? It's easier to draw the line with bringing home guests/girlfriend. But how do you control bedtime/skipping classes with 18 year old? He tells me that he has it under control and "everything is fine".

I'm the PP above. Rent was really a small token amount, like $200, if I remember.

[Anonymous]

I lived at home while attending GMU and I did NOT have to:
- do laundry,
- cooking,
- cleaning,
In other words, I did nothing but studied, played sports, practiced guitar/piano. Everything was ready for me. My parents did have a couple of rules: 1- always keep the room clean; 2- no sex in the house; 3- no video games.

I strongly disagreed with them on item #2 because I got approached by countless young women wanted to sleep with me because I am a very good musician. Anyway, I followed the rule for four years while living at home. I graduated in Computer Sciences and was offered a very high paying job so I left home shortly after that. It is their house, their rules as I got older.