if your child is living at home while in college

[Anonymous]

It is going to be a rude awakening for him when his habits make getting the required 3.5 GPA for guaranteed UVA transfer impossible.

[Anonymous]

My 19 yo son and 21 yo adoptive daughter are both at college and still at home. Our main rules are they keep their rooms clean, go to college every day and on time, help with a few household tasks and always do their study time before watching tv, playing video games or going to see friends. We do let them have friends over and we let our son bring his girlfriend over.

[Anonymous]

OP, I thought the guaranteed transfer was a 2-year process? He could certainly reapply to UVA this year and get in as a transfer if his fall semester grades are strong, but it's not guaranteed. Just make sure you both understand the process. It's a great program, but not as easy as people think.

As for the rules, I'd try to talk to him as an adult. Think about how you'd want a roommate to behave. For example, you probably would never be tempted to do your roommate's laundry or require them to keep their room a certain way. So leave the piles of clothes and close the door.

I would expect common areas to be kept clean, though. So if he makes food in the kitchen, he has to clean up after himself. He can't leave his laundry piles in the laundry room and needs to keep shared bathrooms clean, etc.

As for skipping classes, if he has any hope of getting into UVA, he's going to need mostly As, if not all. So maybe talk through that with him and let him know he will be going to the safety school if his grades aren't strong. Then you have to sit back and let him experience the consequences. It's hard, I know.

[Anonymous]

Is this normal for college aged kids? Were they coddled before or had too many rules so that they now have to rebel? I wonder because my friends and I all lived at home for the first year and we were up at 7 am, spent all day at school and came back 9 pm. We partied on the weekends. My sister, the only person I know who dropped out, had a lifestyle like your son. But she has many personal issues, including, IMO, an undiagnosed learning disability. She got her degree when she was 40.

[Anonymous]

Enforcing a bedtime with 18 year old, lol?
Seriously, let go of anything that is not house related.
Treat him like a roommate. Draw up a list of expectations that deal with the house. So long as no food in his room, shut the door and leave it. HE shouldn't be doing 'chores' but he does have household responsibilities - semantics, perhaps, but the idea is that you contribute to your living space. No bedtimes, no nagging about skipping classes, homework. This is is his opportunity to learn how to manage it. Better now than last year in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enforcing a bedtime with 18 year old, lol?
Seriously, let go of anything that is not house related.
Treat him like a roommate. Draw up a list of expectations that deal with the house. So long as no food in his room, shut the door and leave it. HE shouldn't be doing 'chores' but he does have household responsibilities - semantics, perhaps, but the idea is that you contribute to your living space. No bedtimes, no nagging about skipping classes, homework. This is is his opportunity to learn how to manage it. Better now than last year in college.

Whoops, meant to say better now than next year in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 19 yo son and 21 yo adoptive daughter are both at college and still at home. Our main rules are they keep their rooms clean, go to college every day and on time, help with a few household tasks and always do their study time before watching tv, playing video games or going to see friends. We do let them have friends over and we let our son bring his girlfriend over.

Ugh. It's not relevant to the conversation; why would you say that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 19 yo son and 21 yo adoptive daughter are both at college and still at home. Our main rules are they keep their rooms clean, go to college every day and on time, help with a few household tasks and always do their study time before watching tv, playing video games or going to see friends. We do let them have friends over and we let our son bring his girlfriend over.

Ugh. It's not relevant to the conversation; why would you say that?

+1
I noticed that too. Why write she's "adoptive". Why not say my daughter? Ouch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18 yo DS decided to go to CC and transfer to his school of choice next year, since he was rejected as a first year applicant. He is living with us and driving himself to classes at the community college. Supposedly this is his last year at home. We've agreed that we will treat him as if he is adult and took away most of the restrictions he had in the past years. He is our oldest and I found myself struggling to let go of control. I wonder if anyone is/was in the similar situation with DC living at home. Or just WWYD?

1) Staying up all night playing video games with friends or socializing (online) and going to bed in the morning. Then after two hours of sleep he goes to classes. Comes back and sleeps for the rest of the day. Wakes up in the evening and plays all night. I understand he could be doing that same thing living in the dorm. But it's really hard watch and not to say anything.

2) Room is a terrible mess. It no longer seems appropriate to nag him but it's just plain awful with trash and clothing on the floor. I made a rule about "no food" for sanitary purposes, but it's still terrible. Really hard to ignore.

3) Skipping classes. After being up all night he felt too tired and skipped full day of classes. Again, he could have done it without me knowing if he lived away. But I do know and it drives me nuts. When I expressed my concern he said that he has everything under control and I should worry.

4) Laundry. Original plan is for him to do it, but seeing how it just accumulates all over his room I am really tempted to do his laundry for another year. Also, another reason for skipping school was that he didn't have any clean shirts. So he spent all day at home, but he still did not do his laundry. (sigh)

5) Chores. Would you still make your grown child do chores if he lived with you while in college? It was always a source of constant nagging from me, so I am not sure I want to continue doing that. His friends are having fun living on campus while his mom is demanding he walks the dog and takes the trash out.

Please share your experiences or any advice. This has only been two weeks, but our relationship is already suffering. I understand now why it's so much better when they are in college and we parents don't see all this.

OP, I would put the list in writing for him and your expectations. I'll give him a week to do all his chores. ALL.

If not, then I would go in his room and put everything that's on the floor in trash bags. Then I will take all the remote controls to the gaming.

I assume you pay for the phone as well? I would take that phone every night at midnight.

Do this for a while until he gets the point that you are serious about his education. He might be 18 but still very immature. 18 might get him to vote and go to jail only. haha.

He is your son, not your roommate. Set the expectations and follow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is going to be a rude awakening for him when his habits make getting the required 3.5 GPA for guaranteed UVA transfer impossible.

This. Mention it once: "Handle your life however you see fit, but you need to think about your GPA and whether you'll actually be able to transfer."

His room can be a mess as long as it's just messy: not smelly, not infested, not a hazard to anyone who needs to walk through it (to get to a window or air duct or whatever). He needs to clean up after himself in the rest of the house. You have a right to come downstairs to a clean kitchen in the morning. If the sink is full of dishes or the dishwasher hasn't been unloaded, go wake him up.

Do not do his laundry. Do not manage his life in any way: car inspection, doctor's appointments, groceries, whatever.

I wouldn't argue with him about bedtime, but I also wouldn't make an effort to be quiet in the mornings. I'm not arguing for spite vacuuming, to be clear, but I would just go about my day as though he weren't there.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of the people responding to you have younger kids. I have one in college and one who is a senior in high school. I do not think I would require a kid living at home to keep their room clean. I definitely wouldn't charge them rent. This isn't a punishment, it is just a living arrangement.

My own house rules for when college age kid is at home (holidays and summers)

Do your own laundry
No drugs in house
No underage drinking in house
No sex when other people are in the house
Work or internship of 10-15 hours per week.
Help clean common areas of house
Help with other household chores as determined.

I don't police room cleanliness, bedtimes, going out, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP you've asked a couple times about how to enforce your rules in a way that seems fair. I think you should explain that -- much like it will be at UVA or wherever he lands -- your provision of room and board (including food and utilities) is contingent on him meeting his academic responsibilities and abiding by the rules of the house (as he would also have to do in a dorm or an apartment). If he does not do those things, then you will stop providing room and/or board. So maybe you cut off his internet access and he has to go to the library. Or you start charging him rent but let him know that he can satisfy his rent bill by demonstrating that he is on track to get the grades he needs to transfer.

Also, since it sounds like it was his choice to stay home for another year, I don't think you need to be bending over backwards so much to try and give him the dorm experience. He's your kid and he's living in your house. If he's annoying or worrying you, you should tell him that.

[Anonymous]

OP is mostly being unreasonable.

You agreed to let your son live with you for a year and to treat your son as an adult (which he is). You don't get to back out of an agreement because you have second thoughts about it. You made the agreement and you need to abide by it, just as your son does.

Adults play video games. Adults make messes. He's obviously smart if UVA is an option for him, so skipping class shouldn't be your concern as long as his school performance is acceptable (which itself should only be an issue if you are funding it). Adults do laundry and your son needs to be expected to do the same. And to suffer any consequences of not doing it. Chores should be whatever you agreed on originally.

OP needs to treat this person as an adult, abide by the original agreement's terms, and let his son fail if necessary. If this is too much of a burden, then give him a deadline by which he needs to find alternative living arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Number one rule for my college students, whether home or away, since I’m paying tuition and they graduate debt free: attend class!!! Not doing so is the quickest way to fail.

Seriously, your student sounds like he’s on a downward path. I’d sit down and have a heart to heart on his goals and what it takes to get there. The messy room and laundry I would ignore.

[Anonymous]

The reasons that your kid did not get admission and had to go to CC - remain. It just manifests in loser behavior that you are seeing.