This is not how it works right?

[Anonymous]

My mom signed a lease on an apartment in independent living today. She asked me to Zoom into the tour of the apartment and the meeting where she signed in case I had questions.

She also sent me copies of all the paperwork she signed.

One of the papers says I have POA for both health and financial. Also that she has a DNR and an advanced directive. This is news to me. Doesn't it seem like if you are going to pay an attorney to draw up those documents, you'd then let me know about them? She says that if I need them her attorney will have them, and he's a nice guy who works (general location). It's like if she said "in one of those tall office buildings around Tysons" except she's in another city.

Obviously, I need to pressure her, but I was very relieved she agreed to move to some place with a little supervision, so I didn't want to push today. But what things do I need to know. I need copies of those documents right?

I had assumed my brother was the person she would choose, but she says he doesn't answer the phone so she chose me.

This mostly a vent.

[Anonymous]

I’d contact the attorney myself and ask for copies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d contact the attorney myself and ask for copies.

It's a little hard to do when all I know is that he's male and he works in "one of those big tall buildings around there". If I knew his name, it would be easier.

[Anonymous]

Oh man, if you think this is bad?

Wow.

Your mother is in the top 1% of aging gracefully and responsibly. You have not even smelled a whiff of the vast mountain of shit that can fall upon adult children whose parents don’t do the things your mom has already done, proactively, until there’s a crisis. A crisis that may or may not involve literal shit.

Count your lucky stars, you sweet, innocent baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d contact the attorney myself and ask for copies.

It's a little hard to do when all I know is that he's male and he works in "one of those big tall buildings around there". If I knew his name, it would be easier.

Call the nursing home, explain the situation, ask for copies of whatever paperwork they have on file. One of those should be on his letterhead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d contact the attorney myself and ask for copies.

It's a little hard to do when all I know is that he's male and he works in "one of those big tall buildings around there". If I knew his name, it would be easier.

Call the nursing home, explain the situation, ask for copies of whatever paperwork they have on file. One of those should be on his letterhead.

She's not in a nursing home.

I have copies of everything she provided to them. She didn't provide the document, she just checked boxes on the paperwork saying that she had these things, and writing my name as POA.

[Anonymous]

Do you believe that your mother really has an attorney who prepared these documents or are you thinking she made it up?

[Anonymous]

Op, it’s possible the lawyer recorded the documents. You can look it up through the county office that records POAs, wills, etc, in her county. Try both her old county and her new one, if they are diffferent.

What state and county are you in? If you can not track the documents, down, you could also get her to sign and notarize new ones. Some states have forms you can use for this. Other states, you would need to hire a lawyer to draw them up.

You could also just start calling around to different trusts and estates lawyers in Tysons. I’m not sure if they are allowed to tell you or not if she is a client though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you believe that your mother really has an attorney who prepared these documents or are you thinking she made it up?

I think she does. I think she has this idea that she's being all proactive in getting them together, and that one day when she gets to be the kind of old where they matter they'll be ready and she'll tell me the info.

Except, I think the fact that she can't remember the name of her attorney off hand, along with some other things, might be the sign that she's "that kind of old". And that there is no point in having these documents if you don't tell someone. Like if I've been assuming it's my brother, and he's been assuming it's me that's not good.

Plus, it breaks my heart that my brother who lives an hour away, has paid so little attention, that she didn't put his name on the form, and only put mine. I live 7 hours away. I've seen her for a total of less than 24 hours since the start of the pandemic, because we've had some really major issues. But I'm the one she thinks she can count on?

[Anonymous]

Attorneys don’t typically release the names of their clients without authorization from the client.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, it’s possible the lawyer recorded the documents. You can look it up through the county office that records POAs, wills, etc, in her county. Try both her old county and her new one, if they are diffferent.

What state and county are you in? If you can not track the documents, down, you could also get her to sign and notarize new ones. Some states have forms you can use for this. Other states, you would need to hire a lawyer to draw them up.

You could also just start calling around to different trusts and estates lawyers in Tysons. I’m not sure if they are allowed to tell you or not if she is a client though.

Thank you!

She's in Massachusetts. I'm in Maryland. It's not actually Tysons, it's just an area like it in the sense that there are more than a few "big buildings".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attorneys don’t typically release the names of their clients without authorization from the client.

Would the fact that there's a POA make a difference?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like something my family would do. We are very midwestern and we don't talk about hard things and it would be like, "oh, did I not mention this?"

[Anonymous]

She needs to get you copies, or at least the name of the atty so you can obtain them.

The day could come when she's in the hospital, with, say , a broken hip...and the dr and nurses are asking you what her directives are and are you the POA and do you have the paper? That's really stressful-ask me how I know! (mom had said 'the papers are in the safe'. This ended up actually meaning on a random tabletop in the same room as the safe, under other stuff....)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She needs to get you copies, or at least the name of the atty so you can obtain them.

The day could come when she's in the hospital, with, say , a broken hip...and the dr and nurses are asking you what her directives are and are you the POA and do you have the paper? That's really stressful-ask me how I know! (mom had said 'the papers are in the safe'. This ended up actually meaning on a random tabletop in the same room as the safe, under other stuff....)

Exactly.

I don't see the point in her having gone to the trouble of creating those documents if I can't get them. I mean your situation sounds really hard, but it seems like it was probably faster to search the entire room than it would be to search all the office buildings in Tyson's.