My husband is not invested at all in my HFA kid's treatment; I don't have a partner in this

[Anonymous]

My husband will sort of go through the motions, and do something very specific if I ask him, but he never makes an effort to attend IEP meetings, meetings with special ed teachers. I take my child to therapy, too.

His emotions in general tend to be muted, and he doesn't seem perplexed by much of anything (for example, he was rarely concerned during the pandemic, when most people were at least a bit anxious). I think he could be slightly on the spectrum.

The *only* time he seems to have made an effort to participate in my kids' activities is when they were enrolled in basketball. Then, apparently, he hustled to get to practices and the like.

He tends to be on the unambitious side, but he lets me do everything. I'm at my wits' end. I feel so unsupported and overtaxed. I'm a type A person, and our combination is often a decent one (he sometimes levels me out), but oh my goodness, I don't feel like I have a partner in this.

I would be grateful for advice and words of wisdom. TIA.

[Anonymous]

Do you have your own therapist? or couple therapy? Either (or both) can help.

[Anonymous]

It does seem like men are more likely to accept differences/behaviors in kids and think they aren't as big of a deal. I don't know why this is. My husband never took the initiative on setting up any testing, therapies, iep meetings, etc. How old is your kid? I have teens now, and I do feel like my husband is a lot more involved than when they were little.

If your husband is generally a good husband and father, I would focus on how he does help now, and then figure out what he can pickup if you overwhelmed. He may never be invested in all of these therapies/iep meetings/ etc. as you are. You have to accept that. Figure out what he is invested in then let him run with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does seem like men are more likely to accept differences/behaviors in kids and think they aren't as big of a deal. I don't know why this is. .

NP here. This is interesting, in my special needs friend group this definitely seems to be the case. Definitely true with my husband. They all seem to recognize their differences but they more like "I'm sure it will all work out, he'll figure it out/ be fine" mentality while the wife is staying up late googling therapies, accommodations, social skills groups, etc. Are men more "rose-colored glasses" or lazy or what?

[Anonymous]

It's very common that only the mother comes to IEP meeting, etc unfortunately. We divide by strengths. I am better at advocating-being polite, yet assertive, and knowing the lingo and needs and being tenacious. My husband is better about taking to sports practice and allowing our son to face highs and lows rather than wanting to march onto the court and tell off any kid who is rude to mine (haven't done it, but have wanted to . I do make sure he comes to any neurodevelopmental pediatrician appointments so he understands these are issues that must be addressed and he doesn't slip into denial.

As others said, if he's a good father otherwise than is huge. If you are burned out, figure out a division of labor that focuses on strengths. If he sucks at IEP meetings and dreads them and you don't like them, but know how to get the job done, then do it. If you hate helping your kid with homework and you husband is more patient, have him do that.

Also, yes to your own therapist. If you truly feel you cannot negotiate a division of labor that works and you are drowning do couples therapy. My experience though was it was easier to figure it out on our own. The couples therapist had no clue what it was like raising a kid with HFA. I think she just googled it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband will sort of go through the motions, and do something very specific if I ask him, but he never makes an effort to attend IEP meetings, meetings with special ed teachers. I take my child to therapy, too.

His emotions in general tend to be muted, and he doesn't seem perplexed by much of anything (for example, he was rarely concerned during the pandemic, when most people were at least a bit anxious). I think he could be slightly on the spectrum.

The *only* time he seems to have made an effort to participate in my kids' activities is when they were enrolled in basketball. Then, apparently, he hustled to get to practices and the like.

He tends to be on the unambitious side, but he lets me do everything. I'm at my wits' end. I feel so unsupported and overtaxed. I'm a type A person, and our combination is often a decent one (he sometimes levels me out), but oh my goodness, I don't feel like I have a partner in this.

I would be grateful for advice and words of wisdom. TIA.

After we started having problems with the school system, I told my dh he had to be involved. It was too stressful to manage alone. It made a big difference for me as he became more involved and more knowledgeable. I don't agree with the posters saying men accept their children's differences more easily. After helping other parents and working with a very busy advocate, most dad's seem to want to bury their heads in the sand and not deal. What also happens often is that when they do start going to meetings, all the school staff treat them with more respect than the mom.

[Anonymous]

My husband is hand off and he is on the spectrum & probably have adhd inattentive. He will show up on all IEP meetings, parent-teacher meeting or other important meetings because English is not my first language & sometimes my brain sometimes shut off and can't process or understand all information.

I take care of all other things, like therapies, doctor appointments, insurance, camp registration, class registration etc. Of course I will "consult" him letting him know that I will do this/that before paying $, and if he doesn't like the idea, he will let me know. I will consider his opinion. Do I feel lonely sometimes? Yes. But I am better at doing all these.

[Anonymous]

NP. My husband is so overinvolved and controlling, I can't make any decisions, everything is a committee decision, every email to every provider, every form needs to be reviewed in draft by both and edited, it's exhausting. Even though it's 2 of us working on everything, it's not done in half the time, and there is a lot of controversy along the way. It sounds like you're doing a very heavy lift, props to you! But please know that having the decision power is a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Op this is extremely common with men of sn kids but it is also extremely common of men in general. They do the stuff they are interested in and that's about it.

[Anonymous]

be direct. tell him "I resent how unengaged you are with the needs of our family. I feel like I'm on my own. This dynamic cannot remain." see where that takes you. It could head towards divorce. It could shock him into action. It could start a real conversation where you both feel heard. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP your situation reminds me of my bf. She used to complain that she always had to make all decisions; anytime anything got done (house repairs, vacations, parties, etc) it was always her idea and up to her to plan. He'd help in any way she needed him to, but he never took any initiative. She took care of all the kids needs; doctors appointments, school stuff, birthday parties, etc. He had a flat affect and anytime she wanted to discuss issues within the marriage he always claimed he was perfectly happy and had no complaints. Obviously, she was livid when she found out he was cheating. All the times she expressed why she was unhappy and tried to get him to open up about his own feelings and his answer was always "I'm happy, things are perfect".

She's since left him and they've been separated for about a year now. She said at first when they separated the kids would sometimes ask her to uber eats them dinner or ask her to bring them something and she always said - nope, tell your father what you want for dinner. She said she's very happy and feels relieved of the burden she felt in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. My husband is so overinvolved and controlling, I can't make any decisions, everything is a committee decision, every email to every provider, every form needs to be reviewed in draft by both and edited, it's exhausting. Even though it's 2 of us working on everything, it's not done in half the time, and there is a lot of controversy along the way. It sounds like you're doing a very heavy lift, props to you! But please know that having the decision power is a blessing.

No, it is not when every single thing falls on your shoulders. A marriage is a partnership. It sounds like you have one extreme and the OP has the other extreme. Neither is a blessing. There is a comfortable middle ground; it shouldn't be like this for you or the OP.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, you describe my situation perfectly. In my case, I have talked to DH and he will do better for a while...but then inevitably slip back into old habits. He cannot seem to sustain attention on anything that isn't of deep interest to him.

I also feel similarly to 13:15.

You (and others) are not alone.

[Anonymous]

He would probably do better with explicit instructions. You have learned he won't take initiative, but will he do things if you ask? Sounds like he is comfortable letting things go until late in the game, and you aren't, so you might actually be jumping to do it before he is thinking about it, but that doesn't mean he won't or can't. Tell him you want him at the iEP meeting or need him to drive to therapy every other week

[Anonymous]

Have you tried any home-based therapies? I work with SN kids and often times one parent during the interview process might raise concerns like this. By focusing on parent training with that parent we are able to get to a point where the child responds “better” with one parent than the other. Many times after a few months the other parent will start showing up to meetings and express interest in getting the child to respond better with them as well.

I also use this same technique when a parent isn’t necessarily on board to try a specific intervention that I’m fairly certain will work but is ok if I try it. I will implement the program when I’m there, and as the child progresses the parent sees this progress and hops on board to try it as well. I toilet trained a 5 year old this way once, mom wasn’t on board at all to do it herself. I told my supervisees to toilet train when they were there, after a month mom hopped on board, after 3 months dad did as well.

I think by having someone focus specifically on things at home your husband is more likely to see results of those interventions. This would be different than taking the child to an appointment away from the home where it doesn’t seem as “real-life”.

Just a thought.