My husband is not invested at all in my HFA kid's treatment; I don't have a partner in this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem like men are more likely to accept differences/behaviors in kids and think they aren't as big of a deal. I don't know why this is. .

NP here. This is interesting, in my special needs friend group this definitely seems to be the case. Definitely true with my husband. They all seem to recognize their differences but they more like "I'm sure it will all work out, he'll figure it out/ be fine" mentality while the wife is staying up late googling therapies, accommodations, social skills groups, etc. Are men more "rose-colored glasses" or lazy or what?

Mine thought it was all kind of overblown until he started to realize our DD with inattentive ADHD was exactly like he was at that age. In the 80s, we just called it “bright but unmotivated,” or “not living up to your potential.” But he said the report from her psychologist was kind of like déjà vu. And she’s a pretty self-aware and articulate teen, so hearing her explain how she experiences a certain symptom or other I think helped explain a lot that he was never able to pinpoint as a kid. Nobody ever talked about things like inattention or executive function in a clinical way, he was just “daydreaming again” or “disorganized and sloppy,” and he took the adults at their word.

I still do most of the legwork because my job is more flexible, and frankly, because I have a compulsive need to know everything on a topic, but he’s not being dismissive or downplaying things anymore. He’s more patient about things like not quite finishing a chore or leaving dishes on the coffee table. And he’s quicker to praise the successes she’s worked hard to build.

Considering that things like this tend to run in families, it’s not surprising there are so many men who struggle to either understand or cope with their children’s diagnoses. They either assume these things are totally normal because it mirrors their own experience, or their own ongoing challenges make it hard to understand the issues or contribute to the therapies in a meaningful way.

I’m sure there are families with the opposite dynamic in place, too, but this site does tend to skew predominantly female, so that’s the side we see most often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:be direct. tell him "I resent how unengaged you are with the needs of our family. I feel like I'm on my own. This dynamic cannot remain." see where that takes you. It could head towards divorce. It could shock him into action. It could start a real conversation where you both feel heard. Good luck.

Noooo. Too combative. We don’t know his side. If he is a good dad in other ways be careful throwing around inflammatory words like “resent” and “I engaged.” Start positive and focus on how you are overwhelmed. Don’t throw blame right away. If you are to the brim with true resentment, sort in therapy and don’t take stranger advice on DCUM. Divorce is not something to be flippant about.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have an alternative.
You are not going to wave a magic wand and get an invested husband
You are not going to divorce and find an invested step dad
Treat this like a your project and be grateful he isn’t stalling it
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Is he their father or step-father? You keep referring to “my” kid rather than “out” kid, which makes it sound like this is not his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:be direct. tell him "I resent how unengaged you are with the needs of our family. I feel like I'm on my own. This dynamic cannot remain." see where that takes you. It could head towards divorce. It could shock him into action. It could start a real conversation where you both feel heard. Good luck.

Noooo. Too combative. We don’t know his side. If he is a good dad in other ways be careful throwing around inflammatory words like “resent” and “I engaged.” Start positive and focus on how you are overwhelmed. Don’t throw blame right away. If you are to the brim with true resentment, sort in therapy and don’t take stranger advice on DCUM. Divorce is not something to be flippant about.

I don’t know. Sometimes during my darkest days I would daydream about being divorced because I would get a break half the time. Realistically I know it never truly works out that way but having every other week “off” felt like hope.

Sometimes saying that out can be a wake up call to your spouse. (And sometimes it’s not.)

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. He is my kid's biological father.

Really appreciating the comments here. It's all very helpful food for thought.